Sir Ian McKellern and nasty gold clowns

Place-Glasgow

Weather-Warm and sunny

I managed to forget it was 3rd May which is my sister's birthday, I thought tomorrow was 3rd ...oh dear.

Sat in the park today after I went and put a cheque into the bank (With wrong date on it of course).

The park was full of lunchtime visitors, enjoying the bright day. A family consisting of three kids and two parents joined me on the grass. They parked the pram, spread out a jacket to sit on and let the baby out to toddle. The father was tall, lanky, with greasy hair, a Rangers football top on, and his tattoo'ed fingers were covered in chunky gold rings. The mother was a small fat blonde girl wearing the biggest gold clown necklace I had ever seen, it looked positively uncomfortable and cumbersome.

The clown dangled and wiggled as she moved, its limbs were on small hinges and acted independently, it looked like a small gold man having an epileptic fit. They had an angry wee Jack Russel dog and every time the mum leaned down to get something from the ground, her clown wiggled and the dog tried to bite it. The dog then started snapping at the two wee boys and the baby.

One blonde boy, the tallest- looked around five years old, the younger blonde boy was around three and the toddler was a wee fat red faced girl, wearing a big pink satin dress that resembled a lamp shade from a brothel. All pink, shiny, with frills and bows. She kicked the dog hard in the white stomach, the dog turned on itself and snarled at her.

The tallest boy ripped open a big family bag of crisps, the bag popped and the crisps went flying out in a big flurry and covered the grass around him in a wee semi-circle.

The clown wearing fat mother, grabbed him from behind and shouted into his wee face "You stupid wee cunt, you will fucking eat them off the grass, ya wee bastard"

The wee boy's face crumpled into a tearful mess, his wee brother ran over and started helping him to pick the crisps up. The dog ran around like a wee fat hoover and was gobbling up the crisps between the kids wee chubby fingers trying to rescue the food.

The woman just kept shouting at the poor wee kids, I watched her as she lit up a ciggie and opened a can of beer. I wanted to ram her fat face into the grass. The kids sat at the side and ate the crisps, they shared some juice and played with the angry dog, who seemed to be ok with them now it had stopped growling and barking.

The dad uncrossed his legs and stood up to his full height, he lifted up the toddler and much to her protest, he brought her near to the wife and they started to change her nappy. The dirty nappy was rolled into a ball and thrown onto the grass beside them, the smell was awful and the dog went over for a sniff and then.....a lick..!!!

The older boy picked it up and took it over to the bin and threw it in.

I watched the family and wondered how people could be that rude and nasty to their own children.

I left the park feeling a bit sad, I then got a call to remind me that the Julian Clary press launch/dinner event is at 6.30pm, I had to make it home quick to tame the angry hair and look nice for the press and people from Ebury.

Am watching Sir Ian McKellern on Paul O'Grady show and he is so relaxed and funny. I remember the night I met him..by mistake..as always.

It was in London in June 2003, I was at Monica's, just having washed all my underwear and packed it into a plastic bag, I dragged up my hair into a greasy pony tail, as I had just been rehearsing my play Point of Yes. I was smelly and knackered.

I got a call from the Sikh Scottish writer Hardeep, he is a real funny dude, he wears a big blue tartan turban! Anyway he calls me and asks me to meet him within the hour. I agreed, and went down to Piccadilly to catch up with him.

We walked along Shaftsbury Avenue, he chatted and I carried my underwear in my Sainsbury plastic bag. We came to this big door, he pressed a buzzer, we walk upstairs, we sit down on these big leather sofa's, I take off my jacket, order tea, put down my underwear bag, breathe out and look up and sitting at our big table on the other side of the sofa was Matthew Perry from Friends, Minnie Driver and Sir Ian McKellern!

I wanted to die. No make-up, plastic bag full of off-white cheap underwear and a greasy pony tail. Nice!

Sir Ian smiled and I quickly spoke "I am sorry I have just came from rehearsals, I have my laundry bag and look a mess and you all look so lovely"

He just smiled again and said "Darling we are all gypsies, that's what actors are, it's what separates us from them, you look lovely"


What a nice man to put me at ease. Although -No matter how many times I tried to be at ease my mind kept saying"Chandler from Friends is sitting there using my lighter and smoking my fags!" ( yes he did, I have gave my ciggies to the most famous of people over the years including Jude Law, Ewan McGregor and Jonny Lee Miller, it seems they all never buy them as they keep saying they have stopped-great scam!)

I now carry make up and lipstick and a hairbrush and new hair clip in my bag at all times.....just incase!