Colin Farrell sex me up and how I stole from Gordon Brown

I read today in the newspaper that Colin Farrell, yet again spent two hours trying to seduce his co-star on location. 'What's new?' I hear you ask, well nothing is really new except the woman is Dame Eileen Atkins.

'Big deal' I hear you cry, he tried to fornicate with a bit of 'Posh Totty', yes I know this all sounds predictable and very familiar behaviour from the sexy Irish rogue.....

Dame Eileen Atkins is 70 years old.

She starred in the film 'Ask The Dust' with the Irish lad which will be released later this year.

Dame Eileen explained all on a live TV show yesterday, explaing that she was very impressed and loved every minute of the seduction, she refused his advances and she refused to name the famous man but her agents release Colin Farrell's name later and he DID CONFIRM IT!

Colin-"She is a sexy intelligent woman, I was very attracted to her"

This is great news, despite my wobbly thighs and slowly descending boobs COLIN would shag me!

I am off to perfect my diction, intellegent quotes and posh accent.

On another note, it's election day tomorrow and I am bored of the whole scenario already, my daughter has her first ever vote and asked me

Ashley-"Mum can i go into one booth and you go into the other and can i shout 'Mum who am I supposed to be at this polling station, do they know I am a failed Asylum seeker?"

me-"Please dont do that, we will get jailed or something"

Ashley-"Ok can i shout-'Mum why is the Nazi party not on here? and you can shout back-'Thats the Conservative's you cross for Nazi"

me-"Ok can we not do that either, why cant you just use your very first ever vote as a nice thing momentous thing to do, you know I was 18 on an election year as well, in 1979"

Ashley-"If you tell me you voted in Margaret Thatcher I swear I will burn you with an aerosol and lighter, I have perfected my long range burn spray"

me-"I thought I smelt burning in your room, are you actually burning an aerosol with a naked flame?"

Ashley-"Erm...I only did it once"

me-"For fucksake Ashley that is dangerous, when I sit down in my quiet time and consider what would be the most frightening thing to happen to you, I have pregnancy-HIV-Herpes-rape-car crash-heroin addiction all up there in the top fucking ten, I never thought at this age I had to worry about setting fire to your curtains at 19, you can't vote at all you are fucking a pyro maniac with the IQ of a rocking horse"

Ashley-" Calm down scary old woman, stop being a dreary cow I am never doing it again, Jesus you are a nut"

So the Election is upon us.

Back in late 80's I owned a bar and next door to it was spare room we gave to the local Labour Party group to use as a base, they never pais rent but I found out later they charged their own headquarters and kept the cash! ( How unlike the Labour Party!)

Anyway, one night Gordon Brown came in and had a long list of drinks to buy for 'The Troops on the Coalface of Politics' ( all the thieving Labourites next door) he barked out the drinks order and I had it up there on the bar in minutes. I whispered to my barman Wullie

me- "He is the shadow chancellor-he is the guy who controls the country's cash when he gets into power"

We both smiled and watched him with his wee pen counting up the order, I waited till he was finished and said '£34 please.' ( it was £12 over the real price) I watched as he blinked and then simply handed over his cash.

I stood there smiling at Wullie, who stared at me and raised his eyebrows as I had clearly vastly overcharged the man.

Brown said nothing.

Me-"See Wullie that fucker either cant count or cant cope with me overcharging him and cant challenge me and thats why I will never vote Labour"

I said it loud enough for him and the rest of my customers to hear. He simply went red and mumbled as he struggled to get all the drinks on one tray.

me-"Mr Brown dont over load the tray, you may find you have taken on more than you can carry"

That still appears to be true to this day!