Men being handsy- yet again the whole of the late 70s and 80s you worked in factories, shops and pubs where men openly felt your boobs, tried to finger you when you changed a beer barrel and fuckwits regularly explained how you can’t rape a woman who isn’t a virgin or wears too much make up. Now when some bloke on the bus or tube puts his hand near you FUCK THAT you stab it with a nail file or shout like fuck into his face in public.

Fashion Mags telling you what to wear- are you fucking kidding me? We did the perms, the pink crimping, the peplum waist, the baggy dungarees, the neon leg warmers, the flat court shoes, the Lady Diana hair flick, the stiletto and miniskirts NOW we wear the flying fuck what we want. We will wear jeans and a jumper any time. Until men win as many Oscars as the costume designer who turned up at award ceremony’s giving not one fuck then she will be my spirit animal forever.

People on social media telling us what to do get fucked. You don’t like my comedy? My Writing? My body shape? My photo’s? Here’s what we will do…you get fucked. I had men tell me what to do my entire life and women judge my choices. This is my life now go stand in a corner and get yourself to fuck. I will be the one over there laughing.

Men telling me am old and ugly here’s the thing- are you stunningly perfect and beautiful? No…well listen up Quasimodo if you look like you swam up from Sellafield or are fat and bloaty that’s fine. Just don’t fucking dare comment on my body you clackwanker.

People being appalled at my sex life am sorry was I supposed to apologise for having a clitoris that worked? Did you really believe women over 45 don’t like sex or have never watched porn. Are you stunned that I like sex well listen up spunky, see when you were ten and wondering if you could see a mermaid’s vagina, I was getting laid. See last week when you were wondering if a woman would look at your cock? I was getting laid.

I am 55 years old, I have buried three family members, paid off my mortgage, jailed a sex offender, been put in prison for possessing guns that weren’t mine, been married since I my first period, raised a daughter who is also a comedian, ran a bar for 15 years, been self-employed since I was 18, wrote a bestselling book, wrote and starred in a play that went to New York, wrote 15 one women shows and watched my murdered mother lie in a coffin…now what is it you want to tell me about how I should be living my life? Now fuck off.