Thursday, February 28, 2013

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 137



(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

 

In episode 137 of Janey Godley's podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo let rip about religion, the bedroom tax and police who deny women the right to press rape charges.

 

Ashley explains her hatred for the woman on Edwardian Farm TV show and how Oprah isn't as generous as first believed. Janey talks about the charity night coming up for Talk Now the charity she is a patron of. They also discuss their current podcast advert on RealXS radio in Scotland.

 

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

 

 

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 137

 

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal or like us on Facebook

 


 

Click here to see the art of Hannah Stone

 

Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording here.

 


 

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

 

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

 

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes

 

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

 

We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

 

 
 

 

 

 

Monday, February 18, 2013

First Class Godley

I love the train, it gets busy at half term time, like it did when I came home from London recently. I got my ticket ready, this time it was easy to find.

The new system is you get to print out your own ticket which is an A4 sheet with a scan code on it, much better than 58 wee orange tickets we normally get, so am happy about this. Anyway, I got into the first class carriage and sat at a four to a table seat and promptly stuck my case underneath, as I have short legs and it means I can raise my legs up and nap. If the train is busy and people need to sit with me, I move it. Am not a twat.

So, a big posh man, with elbow patches and mustard cords (what the fuck is that about?) kicked my case and asked me to move it so he could join me.

"listen there are heap of seats in the next carriage, it's all unreserved, if you don't mind, we won't have to share" I explained and pointed to the next first class carriage which was indeed empty. I didn't want to sit beside someone in a near empty carriage, there were plenty seats around me and next door.

"This is actually first class, are you meant to be here" he sneered and kicked my case again. Yes, he actually asked me that.

I looked at him, smiled and said "No, I have skipped in, please don't tell anyone, but I get free food and wifi and I take all the sandwiches home"

He looked horrified, pressed the door button and walked into the next carriage.

Seconds later, before the train had even moved, the ticket guy train manager came through shouting "Tickets and passes please?" looking at me with mustard cords behind him, pointing and twitching and waiting to see me get ejected. Who does that?


"Do I really need to get my ticket out?" I pleaded...I could see mustard cords stand still behind the ticket guy staring at me, still smirking. So I pulled out my first class A4 self printed ticket and presented this to the guard, who smiled thanked me and moved on.

Of course I had a first class ticket! Mustard cords was raging angry he sputtered "You said you didn't have a first class ticket, you are a filthy liar" he hissed at me, his face was red and angry and I could see a purple vein pulse on his temple.

At that the train manager stopped.... and watched our exchange.

"I can say anything the fuck I want to you, you are a member of the public and have no right to ask me questions, so shut it Cunty Mc Wunty! I have to be honest with him (I pointed to the train manager), you are an insulting dick, I can say whatever I want to you now move on mustard cords, you are ruining my first class experience" I plugged in my IPod and let Bob Seger take me away to his Hollywood Nights.

Mustard cords stood his ground, staring at me, hands on plump hips, the ticket man had moved off and I mouthed to mustard cords "I photocopied this ticket" and giggled.

He was about to explode when the catering guy appeared , I unplugged my ears, he poured me a coffee and said "Hiya Janey, how you- fancy a bacon sandwich?"  I know most of the catering crew on trains by the sheer amount of travel that I do, I smiled and said "yes".

Mustard cords tried to beat a hasty retreat, this is difficult with doors that you need to press and wait to open, he could hear me laughing as the door whooshed closed behind him.

That awful repugnant wee prick of a man got off at Preston and as the train pulled away I smiled and waved. He sneered and spat at the window...coz he thinks he is upper class and that's how that works sometimes.

Not all anti social behaviour is from working class commoners with track suits tucked into their socks, swigging beer and being obnoxious in public, sometimes it comes from people who regardless of their assumed standing in public....and they can be utter bastards.


So thanks for reading, if you want follow me on twitter @JaneyGodley for updates.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Check out Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 135


(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

 

In episode 135 of Janey Godley's podcast, the comedy mother and daughter talk about their recent stand up gigs and Ashley gives us her version of  The Carpenter's and how aliens would react to the song.

 

Janey discusses the recent Pope revelations and tells us a story from the 70s about her mammy's singing parties. The BIG NEWS about the podcast is REVEALED!

 

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

 

 

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 135

 

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal.

 


 

Click here to see the art of Hannah Stone

 

Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording here.

 


 

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

 

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

 

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

 

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

 

We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Taxing Times


“A make-up brush costs £30? Is it made of gold?” my husband shouted and threw up both his hands when he was observing me logging my tax return.

 

He rolls his eyes and makes that huffing noise and shakes his head at me. I have boxes of receipts, so you can imagine how many theatrical displays he has been through. 
His physical theatre and dance routine has to be seen to be believed. The Ballet Rambert would take note of his expressive routines.

 

The man practically does a Gangnam style exasperated jig every twenty seconds.

 

“£40 for a bra? Is it made of gold?” Yes he mentioned gold again.

 

“Salon haircut £80?” he screeched. “Did they cut your hair with gold scissors?”

 

I thought to myself: If he makes one more gold reference I may have to strap a canoe onto my back and fake my own death.

 

Husband does not understand the costs of make up and female maintenance. This is the man who audibly squealed like a girl at the cost of a supermarket’s own-brand moisturiser:

 

“How can they charge £7 for a wee bottle that size? What is in it? GOLD?”

 

Other female shoppers looked at me with pitying glances, probably thankful their own annoying husbands didn’t bother to come with them to buy face cream.

 

“Look - That pot is only £1 and it’s twice the size!”

 

He grabbed a tub of Vaseline and tried to tempt me with its moisturising properties. A frantic man shoving Vaseline into your face in a supermarket aisle does tend to draw a crowd.

 

I looked warily at the tub and suggested where he could shove it and I pointed out to him that it would go up there surprisingly easy. The crowd smiled and followed us slowly, surely there would be more purchase hilarity to follow?

 

He is such a tight-fisted scrooge when it comes to shopping.

 

He buys giant packs of cheap razors that leave my legs with more cuts and rashes than a bramble picker who has just survived an air crash that nose-dived into a nettle field.

 

His cheap, family sized bottles of gloopy green shampoo have literally blinded me in the shower, overwhelmed me with their apple scent and can make my hair look as if it’s been back-combed badly by an angry nun.

 

Oh – and, by the way - according to husband, I don’t need conditioner. This is a man who considers  'conditioner'  a luxury item.

 

Has he seen my curly, tufty hair?

 

Without a decent conditioner, it takes three hours to brush after the astringent shampoo has left my locks so squeaky clean. It’s like trying to brush out a wet Shetland pony with a nit comb.

 

Hair maintenance isn’t the biggest issue with his cheap buying tactics.

 

When rifling through my receipts, he was astounded that I had managed to buy three jumpers in one shopping trip. Why would I need three new tops? He was agog at my outlandish, extravagant lifestyle.

 

“I have had the same jumper since 1987,” he proudly announced. “It’s still a good top and I wear it all the time.”

 

“Yes, I know,” I sniggered. “That’s why the local kids call you Catweazle.”

 

He will only buy one pair of jeans, wear them, wash them constantly and throw them away when they fall apart. Then he buys a new pair for £7 in one of those giant cheap discount stores in Sauchiehall Street.

 

To him, men who wear designer clothes are either incredibly vain or mentally challenged. No single item of his clothing costs more than £10 maximum and he will shop around until he gets the price he wants.

 

That’s being clever in his head.

 

Husband isn’t one of those men who wears ‘Moisturiser for Men’ or other male grooming products.

 

 

I am not sure I would like the idea of my man going for a facial or having a skin regime. Somehow that makes me feel queasy.

 

God forbid he took to stroking some clear mascara on his eyelashes for a special night out! His spending habits are near to minimal… unless you count his Pound Shop habit.

 

He adores the stores that do ‘Everything for a Pound’. He is stockpiling cheap cups, doormats and giant sets of screwdrivers.

 

At least this leaves surplus cash for me to buy all my mascara, clothes, shoes, hair brushes …all made of gold obviously.

 

So thanks for reading, if you want follow me on twitter @JaneyGodley for updates.

 

 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Aspergers and never Having read a Book


Imagine never having read anything more than a bank statement and even then having trouble getting into it.

Slowly picking your way through the numbers and trying to make sense of the words, knowing full well you cannot understand them and then have to fake your way out of that situation in meetings with people who take reading and writing for granted. You can run a business successfully but you can't understand the terms of business that's written down in front of you, but you can memorise the words for later discussion. This is how some people live.

My husband had undiagnosed Aspergers most of his adult life (being recently diagnosed), meaning he coped and not only coped but set in place various strategies to get round his dyslexia and anti social behaviour. 

His achievements at this have to be admired, unlike other socially inept people (like me) who bluster and excuse their way through life, he manages to avoid, control and above all allow other people to make social faux pas without recrimination or judgement (something am not good at). Aspergers, dyslexia and social awkwardness are common, infuriating difficult bedfellows. He copes daily with this. Though it's worth noting that not all dyslexics have Aspergers or vice versa, this is just his experience.


My husband had never read a book. I wrote a book, it became a best seller, he can't read it. Then one day he was offered the Listening Books Scheme online and spotted audio books at the local library. This totally changed his life.

The local library are aware he has reading problems and yet they are increasingly helpful and patient. Even when my husband issues a constant verbal complaint that some of his favourite modern crime books are filed under 'historic crime' when they aren't OR when a series of books is in the library and they fail to tell you that this is number 6 of a series of 10...that makes people with Aspergers fractious and repetitive about this issue, in fact he is repeating it again as I write this.

Yet despite these tiny problems (he just asked me to refrain from calling it a tiny problem as it's a huge problem and needs attention) he finally gets to 'read' books. He has devoured the classics, the man is an expert on Ancient Rome, The History of London and everything that Dickens ever wrote. I am immensely proud of him. We now share and recommend books in our house.


It warms my heart to see him discuss the plot of a book with our daughter who has been a voracious reader from age 4 years old. She used to read to her dad. I cannot tell you how much the listening books scheme and audio section of the local library have changed my husband's life. He goes nowhere without his latest audio book and can happily switch off from life and lose himself in  good book, something I had taken for granted since I was a child.

We go to the library together and I attempt to read the synopsis out and before I can even start, he looks at the image and can tell me in seconds if he has read it, such is his ability to use memory imagery. 

Then he can tell me the whole plot of the book by remembering the colours and fonts they used on the cover. Aspergers is amazing.
Audio books and the Listening Book Scheme online are a life changer for us, I just wanted to write about this and let the library people and the Listening Book Scheme people know that. Thanks.

Friday, February 08, 2013

Travels & Trivia

Kuala Lumpur is where I went for one nights work. That's normal for a comedian, what's not normal is trying to explain that you are a female comic to Muslim women from Saudi Arabia on the flight over to Malaysia.


I still get a slight shock at seeing women with black gloves, socks and every inch of flesh covered in black material. I find it fascinating and try not to stare and behave like an ignorant oaf, but part of my brain has so many questions...questions that I can't ask for fear of being racist at best and disrespectful at worst. People remind me that the Koran does not require women to be covered and that it’s cultural and oppressive and other people explain that it's a woman's choice and she likes to show respect by covering her flesh outside the house. Either way I find it interesting but can't speak about it without sounding creepy and offensive.


I was talking to these women on the flight and they asked me (through translation of the husband of one of them) what I did for a living and why I was going to Kuala Lumpur. When I said "stand up comedian" the man stared at me, shook his head....had a think and then spoke in Arabic to the women.


I think he must have said "this woman is half mermaid and has fins for arms" as the women all had shocked eyes and stared at me for ages. Then I stupidly mimed having a microphone at my mouth and wiggling my head about, miming stand up....which must have just resembled a mermaid giving head and they all looked away. They were disgusted/confused at me. I had hoped that man explained it properly, but he didn't understand why a woman would do comedy so how could I expect him to communicate it correctly. Then one of the women who I discovered could speak English said "you speak on stage and get paid for it?" I nodded and she smiled and then she explained it to the other women, who weirdly looked more horrified and sad.


So after scaring the Muslim women with my mermaid porn career, I finally got off the plane and landed in KL, which by the way is so hot it feels like being followed about by a blow torch.


I left a snowy cold Scotland and landed in a damp humid busy city. I have to say the food in KL is amazing, I love, love, love Asian food and couldn't wait to get a big bowl of noodles and some fish down my Glasgow throat.


I was doing a gig for the Selangor St Andrew's Society Burns Night and the people there are so welcoming. They made me feel so at home and looked after me. The society members had an awesome Toast and Reply to the Lassie's and their Pipe Band brought a tear to my eye and am not even patriotic.


It must be a weird life living as an Ex Pat, staying in a country and having to be part of a community of your own people or part of a society you don't totally belong to....but they seemed to have found the balance. I couldn't do it, I think it takes a certain person to adhere to certain social rules, whether it be in amongst the ex-pat community or in amongst the people of that country...either way it feels like a limbo life. I know what a limbo life is, as am always somewhere in the world looking in and yet never being a part of.


That's what comedians do, we turn up, we go onstage, we walk through your streets, get to know your railways and airports very well and leave without feeling we belonged there in the first place.


I am a permanent Ex Pat...everywhere I go.


But to a few Saudi women, I am also a mermaid who does porn.



So thanks for reading, if you want follow me on twitter @JaneyGodley for updates.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 134


(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

 

In episode 134 of Janey Godley's podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo talk about Gay rights, marriage and religion. Janey tells us all about her trip to Kuala Lumpur and her experience with Saudi women and Ashley tells all about her recent brain scan.

 

They both talk about comedy and Ashley's recent return to stand up, Janey has an ear infection and Ashley is a bit sick and easily annoyed.

 

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

 

 

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 134

 

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal.

 


 

Click here to see the art of Hannah Stone

 

Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording here.

 


 

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

 

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

 

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

 

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

 

We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.