"Who washed the dishes?" my husband asked
last week. I put up my hand and said
wearily "I did, what did I do wrong?" he sighed, rolled his eyes and
brought me through by the hand to show me that I had stacked the plates facing
the right instead of his preferred left. I promptly fixed them as he stared at
them closely to check they were done right. He gave me a lecture that I was
putting 'the plates wrong, they could fall and break and the knives and forks
need to be facing down" He still reminds me of this daily.
No, am not married to the bloke from Sleeping With
The Enemy, though I do say that onstage. I am married to a man who has
Aspergers and now has been recently told he may have low spectrum Autism.
I watched him as he stood in the kitchen with me, 33
years of marriage down the line, I recall the sixteen year old boy who put a
diamond ring on my finger one month and pretty soon after that, he tried to commit
suicide as he 'felt out of his skin'. Not something the doctors of Glasgow
Royal Infirmary understood in 1980. Not something his hard -nosed gangster
father who had six other sons could make sense of either -which is understandable.
I try hard not to think of the sleepless nights of
the 80s where he ranted, raved and would develop violent rages that left me
exhausted and terrified. I try hard to recall the young man who tenderly held
his baby daughter moments after she was born and asked a bewildered midwife if
he could 'now take the baby home and I could follow when am ready' (he was
convinced Ashley would hate the feel of the hospital sheets).
The memories of the social awkwardness when he would
ask the strangest questions of people like "Do you like boiled beef?"
in the middle of a normal business conversation as that thought had just popped
into his head, still make me shudder. Or the times when he would deliver a monologue on his favourite
Roman Emperors as I am trying to tell him I have a lump in my breast. And then me
laughing as he gave me space to explain the breast lump and the minute my mouth shut
he explained Claudius in depth and ignored my concern, still make me giggle.
Loud sudden noises, velvet, courgettes, aubergines,
lemon flavoured cakes, people being factually incorrect, Princess Diana, public
displays of grief for celebrities, reality shows about talentless people,
people who don't pick up litter, pets in small apartments, large cutlery, square
plates, comedy oversized glasses, clowns, Michael Jackson, speaking to people,
comedy where people have to join in and clap or stand up etc, people who cycle
through traffic lights, audio libraries that release part 5 of a series of ten
and not the previous four books are just some of the THINGS he HATES.
Black pens, lists, opera, poetry, buying five pairs
of his favourite shoes, Roman history, audio books, history books, collections
of elastic bands, soft fabrics, warm coffee cakes, mint tea, babies, doing
anything with numbers, driving, photography, small cutlery, china cups- are just
some of the things he loves.
His Aspergers can control his basic emotions, for
example when my beloved step mum was dying in a hospital bed, he sat with her
for hours and when she finally passed he was distraught as he couldn't feel the
same sadness as everyone. We were deep in grief and he announced to the gathered
family "I dont feel anything, what is wrong with me?" I ushered him
away from the sad group to explain "that's not nice to say to people who
do feel stricken" he nodded and walked away bewildered.
His need to walk to the right shop and buy the milk
that is cheapest, the exhausting way he associates words I am saying into the
line of a song he remembers, his compelling drive to wake up and move
everything about in the cupboards as it has 'been bothering him all night' can
be so frustrating to live with.
Imagine living with a man who had done so many
hurtful things that are seared into your memory, yet you can't recriminate as
the majority of them are due to a syndrome he lives with? There is no marriage
guidance for a man who doesn't understand
what he did wrong and his only answer is "leave me then, am
damaged".
This is the man in 1996, who demanded we all sit in a
darkened hotel room at Disney Land Orlando and not turn the TV on as he wanted
to sleep and me and his ten year old daughter weren't to move. I can still
recall the tantrum he took when we walked into the sunshine and left him
behind. I still recall the tears of confusion as he tried to explain why he
behaved like that when we returned. Our daughter will have her own tale to tell
and I can't speak for her here. She loves her dad.
I love this man and yet when I see other women sit
round dinner tables at events I attend to do comedy or go to a night out, I
feel a deep pang of jealousy. My husband will never dress in a dinner suit and
pour me wine and chat idly to the guy on his left, neither did he see me
collect any of the comedy awards that I won, as he can't cope with those
events.
He sat in the car near a beach in Troon on the day his
daughter graduated university as he was worried he would embarrass her in front
of her peers. He listened to his favourite Roman book as she walked off the
stage. I watched other proud parents hug each other and I felt alone, yet
relieved he wasn't in a situation that would stress him.
My husband in his younger days was very sociable, he
ran a bar and used to regularly take customers on European bus runs and host
events in the pub. Having spoken to his psychologist it turns out he was 'role
playing' the part. Is he 'role playing' being my husband? Is he 'pretending' to
be a father?
I don't believe he is. I believe that his role
playing was his 'coping mechanism'.
He faked to the world that he was regular member of
society and inside waited for the world to catch him being the fake he always
felt.
It is no surprise his mental health suffered, and
explains his few suicide attempts and his struggle to make sense of a world
where he doesn't feel he can fit in.
The upside's are he is completely accepting of every
race, creed, colour and sexuality. He doesn't think lateral he thinks literal,
and doesn't understand why anyone would discriminate against people for no good
reason.
He was a feminist back in the early 80s when men in
the East End of Glasgow were worse than radio sport commentators of today. He
takes people as he finds them and doesn't have a single Daily Mail bone in his
body, as that attitude doesn't make any sense to him.
He is also great when I need someone to run my
comedy past, as he can immediately tell me if he doesn't understand the joke or
what am trying to say, and makes me reword stories so they make more sense.
When asked to describe his Aspergers he said
"Every day I fight with emotions and feelings I can't control, I suppose
it's like being homosexual and trying to pretend am straight to the world, or I
feel like my skin doesn't feel right and my brain wants to take me into a place
I can't get out of. Sometimes there are so many things to cover up in one day,
my dyslexia, my depression, my inability to make eye contact, my disdain of
other people, my obvious disinterest when someone talks to me and I don't want
them near me anymore...it's hard to hide all that inside....and the knowledge
of all the things I did to you".
He just sounds like a grumpy old man, but he isn't
he can be hilarious and loves that I joke about his syndrome on stage. He can
be funny with people he trusts and they are very few, he can be a constant font
of information as he retains screeds of facts and figures. His advice on
relationships to my girlfriends is utterly genius "he doesn't call you
because he doesn't like you enough, get over him now and find a man that isn't
indifferent to your needs". (they prefer his advice over mine every time).
The array of nieces and nephews love their uncle and
as they got older understood he was 'a bit different' but always found him loving
and helpful.
Last year we had booked a Disney on Ice for our wee
niece Abigail, I got ill and couldn't take her. Husband stepped in and sat
through a giant arena of screaming kids and Disney caterwauling. She was over
the moon and explained later "Uncle loved it and sung along with every
song" he told us later it was utter hell, the seats were velvet and he
faked the whole evening to keep her happy. That's one of the many reasons I
love him.
Our daughter is very proud of her dad and her mates
come to him for support and advice and even stay over when we are both out of
the country on tour, as they enjoy his company and like to hang out with him.
If you are
ever in need of someone to face a dilemma with my husband is the most practical,
helpful and rational person you could find. He cuts through all emotion and
sorts the problems.
When asked what he is happiest about, he often says
"that my daughter can read, write and is educated"
I once asked him if he was relieved that Ashley
doesn't have Aspergers and he replied "That's a stupid thing to say, she
doesn't have it, why would you ask that stupid question, as if you would
consider your kid being any other way than the way she is" and that is a
brilliant Aspergers answer.
