Thursday, May 31, 2007

Big Bugs scare me…

New York has the biggest crawly bugs I have ever seen. Standing in the street in flip flops I looked down and there running towards my foot was a big reddish cockroach, so I screamed like a girl.

In the apartment where I am staying, I saw another huge bug scuttle behind my suitcase, so therefore I had to take the whole thing apart and check Buggy McBastard hadn’t decided to live in my knickers and come home to Scotland with me.

I leave NY tomorrow morning at 5am…and head back to London.

I have had such an awesome time here in New York, though the heat has been debilitating. During the day it is so fucking hard to walk around as the sun burns you to the bone and the humidity makes you sweat more than a blind lesbian in a fish factory.

I am exhausted and missing my family. Though catching up with some old mates here in New York has been wonderful. I used to come over here in 1999, so I have pals from the past. That has been cool.

I am sure husband is enjoying the peace and quiet although from what I can gather Ashley is making extreme demands on his time. She really is a daddy’s girl. When I tried to call him she butted in about fourteen times and we gave up even trying to have a conversation.

I have been writing my weekly column from New York for The Scotsman newspaper, where I have a page on a Monday.
The highlights of my trip were performing at The Green Room on Bleecker St and going to Washington Square to listen to the wonderful buskers. It has been great.

I think when I go home I will take husband away for a couple of days and spend time with him; it’s been so long since we got to have a decent argument uninterrupted.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Seven Secrets You Won’t Know About Me…

By email a friend suggested that I had to write seven things that people would not know about me. Now this is hard for me as I have written my autobiography and have blogged my inner most feelings since 2004, so what’s to write that you might not know?

So I had a big long think and this is the seven things about me that most people won’t know.

One- I have a scar that runs from my belly button upwards from an operation that went wrong when I was two years old for a hernia problem. (I don’t know how babies get hernias unless I was weightlifting teddy bears)

Two- I have extremely erotic porn dreams about people I don’t even find attractive –like the man who works in the co-op near my home and a stand up comic I actually really dislike and then I sweat profusely when I meet them in case subconsciously realise I am in love with them and cant recognise it because I am mentally challenged.

Three- I miscarried a baby one night before I went onstage and didn’t know I was actually pregnant and did the gig. It was just a heavy bleed and I didn’t recognise what had happened till the next day (ok maybe that was too gross for most people to know but I am searching here for secrets….help me out!)

Four- I shout another mans name out in my sleep regularly, so my husband tells me and I suspect this may be connected to number TWO in this list.

Five- I used to enter competitions in conjunction with drinks companies through the pub I used to own years ago, and under false names I would win many gifts and had to get locals to collect the prizes. I was good at writing slogans and got bored talking to drunken Glaswegians so I entered all the booze comps!

Six- I screwed money from our new Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown our new Prime Minister was the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the 90s, we used to let the Labour Party use our next door shops for free when they were canvassing during an election-and Gordon Brown was there- he came into the bar to buy drinks for all his Labour chums. After ordering a huge round of drinks, he stood there and asked the price of whisky and lager.
“£1.40 a pint, £1.50 a whisky, so that’s ten pints and four whiskies’ comes to £30 in all thanks” I said with a smile knowing that I was overcharging him ten pounds, this was just to see if he could actually count.
He stood there, looked at me and then agreed and nodded.

I laughed took the cash and said loudly “You can’t count and that’s why I will never vote Labour”
So I screwed our new Prime Minister for cash!

Seven- I am incredibly shy with new people and am only talkative when I am onstage and it freaks people out when they meet me and I stare at my shoes and go quiet till I get a microphone in my hand.

Coney Island and the insect bites…

I am 46 and staying out to 5am to go partying is not a good idea as far as I am concerned. I hung out with friends and ended up catching a cab at dawn, the view of Manhattan and the sun rise was just worth the late night.

I had four hours sleep then got up and went off to Coney Island with John my manager and we were meeting up with Andrew J Lederer, he is a New York comic and lovely all round guy.

Coney Island is awesomely tacky and wonderfully cheap looking with ancient rides and amazing architecture. The beach is clean and the sun was hot as hell. I thought I was going to DIE; I actually sat in the shade and went grumpy. I looked at my legs and noticed I have been bitten to bits by nasty insects in NY…bastards! I have lumpy bumpy shins now.

I got really hungry, yet the only thing on sale in Coney Island is deep fried hot lard, I was so annoyed that I ended up shouting at John. Then Andrew showed up and we walked along to Brighton Beach where we went into a great Russian restaurant and had fine food…and it was air conditioned.

I don’t know what I was expecting in Coney Island? Salad? The place only does hot dogs! I need to stop assuming people will change their environment to suit me.

Meanwhile the sun battered down and shade was thin on the ground, I ended up on the beach under a huge umbrella and finally made a mad dash and jumped into the ocean, which was so cooling and cold I wanted to become a fish to escape the constantly scorching sun.

I am a moany cow, I finally get the most beautiful beach, the best weather and all I do is whinge and bitch.
The upside is Andrew J Lederer the US comic did give us a wonderful guided tour of the beach area, pointing out interesting buildings and giving us a really informed history of the area. If you want you can check his blog and really good page on

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Heat in NY…

It is stifling here and I cannot believe that all the clothes I have packed are useless and I am walking around Manhattan in my sloppy pyjamas, as these are the coolest clothes I own. I feel like a homeless person.

Mind you down in the Bowery where I performed my play and comedy, there was a tall slinky black man dressed as a woman but sporting a full beard, so I am normal in comparison.

The accent barrier is not an issue, but I always seem to go into shops and get served by some poor person with a speech impediment. I asked for REGULAR tea and the young woman with the cross eyes repeated this back to me as ‘BEBULAR’ tea and I stood there and laughed and that means I am going straight to hell.

It took ages for us to agree on the ‘regular’ tea issue and by the time I got it outside I was falling about laughing, now I know I am bad…but I couldn’t stop laughing as I thought it was ME who was saying it wrong.

So the play ‘The Point of Yes’ went spectacularly well in spite of me assuming the accent would ruin the dialogue. I was so pleased with the show and my comedy show Good Godley! Was just a joy to do in the Bleecker Street Theatre.

There were small audiences but there was one woman from Glasgow there and she made the show even better. How awesome was that?

I sat in Central Park and watched the Off Broadway Soft Ball teams compete and it was just wonderful, the heat is searing but my pyjamas kept me cool.
I think I may wear my pyjamas forever, very liberating, but I might start shaving my chin in case I turn into the bearded lady.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

I am in New York!

The weather is awesome, John Fleming (my manager and all round helper) is with me and I am doing my one woman play ‘The Point of Yes’ tonight at a theatre off Broadway.
I have been in New York before, but fuck how I forgot about the sheer noise level of traffic and every time I go to call my father in Glasgow a big police car goes screeching past with its siren on, so I cant actually call my dad till this stops as it would worry him. So I don’t think I will be chatting to daddy for a while.

The apartment I am in is quite small but great location, there is no kettle to make a pot of tea, and so I trotted off and bought one of those small tin tea pots that you fill with water and boil. It leaked and flooded water everywhere, so I am taking that right back to the shops.

I love New York and the images of me the columnist sitting in the apartment looking like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City couldn’t be further from the truth. I am tired, none of my clothes seem to fit and I cannot wear kitten heels for the life of me.

I went out last night with a gay mate of mine to a bar, for some unknown reason I drank beer…I DON’T drink…I am not an alcoholic or someone who has drink problems; I just don’t take booze very much. Anyway after two drinks I was hammered. I have been in New York one night and I have a smelly hangover.

My comedy show Good Godley! Is being performed tomorrow night so I need to get organised and stop staring out the fire escape at the ‘squirrels versus cats’ war that goes on daily at the Chinese woman’s balcony across on 35th street, opposite my back window.
It truly is the best show in New York…the cats are trying to catch the squirrels and the squirrels are trying to get into the Chinese woman’s opened patio door…maybe I should stop staring and go rehearse my play?

Monday, May 21, 2007

Bafta’s and Bare Feet…

Ashley and I have been in London since Friday. We went to the Groucho club Gang Show on Saturday. The show is basically all the talented musicians and performers who are members of the private club; they get together and put on a huge five hour show.

People like Heaven 17, Turin Brakes, Noel Gallagher, Richard O’Brien, Betty Boo and whole host of comics including myself were booked for the night.
I cannot tell you the names of all the amazing jazz and soul bands but my favourite Roland Gift from Fine Young Cannibals was on top form and he kissed me!

That man in a musical God and sex beast as far as I am concerned. Yum.
I am sure he knows I am slightly obsessed but despite this we had a great chat and I got to hear him sing four feet away from my seat…now that is HEAVEN!

Ashley’s life long ambition was also realised when she did the ‘Time warp’ with creator of The Rocky Horror Show Richard O’Brien and led the whole room in the dance. She was ecstatic.

The happiness didn’t last as on Sunday morning when we awoke, my poor baby Ashley started vomiting and we had the BAFTA awards that night…she did manage to stop the sickness and off we trotted all in our glad rags down the red carpet.

The award ceremony was long, but Joan Rivers was there and she was just wickedly funny as always.

The after party was held the awesome Natural History Museum, just yards from our flat here in London. Ashley and I had a fab time, we danced, we drank and we partied till dawn with the fabulous and the famous.
It was extremely odd dancing to Wham! Beside a huge dinosaur and ancient fossils that were on display at the world famous museum, also there were fossils in a dress and high heels – That was me!

So now it is Monday and I fly out to New York tomorrow morning to perform my play and comedy, I am tired, my feet hurt and I managed to rip THREE pairs of tights pulling them on last night…what the fuck are they made of? Butterfly wings? They are expensive and I need to learn how to be a lady and pull on pantyhose properly.

My next blog will be from New York…see you soon.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Blow Jobs and Bafta’s

Recent reports are saying that oral sex may lead to higher risk of throat cancer; my husband says the word ‘May’ in that sentence is important. I am worried sick and I might get his throat checked.

He doesn’t seem too bothered and so life goes on.

I have been slow with my blog again as I have been getting ready for London and New York, also my addiction to the Gilmore Girls has been very consuming. The last season finished last night in the US and that’s the end of the entire series.

I have seen every episode of every season and have been recently scanning all the websites that illegally show TV series uploaded and shared with people on the web.
I had three people in America who uploaded the show onto my favourite website and let me watch it as soon as the site accepted it. I was so excited.

I am now into 24 season 6. The finale was this week and my friends on the web have assured me it is up, the problem with 24 is, the people who represent the network that show it on television in America, have a team of computer legal geeks who scan all the TV web host sites and demand they get pulled down, so it’s a race against time to catch it….a bit like an episode of 24 as we the viewers try to outwit the corporations that prevent us from watching free of charge. My life is dull…I know.

I am off to the BAFTA TV awards in London on Sunday, so hopefully I will make it down the red carpet without falling over in my high heels. It’s always a worry.

Thanks to all who have helped me get accommodation in New York next week and thanks to Virgin Atlantic who may possibly see it in their hearts to upgrade me on my flight out of Heathrow on Tuesday morning…please?

Monday, May 14, 2007

New York and brain bleeds

My nephew Shaun who is ten years old fell and banged his head. Poor wee soul had a brain bleed and was rushed to hospital. I was so worried about him and went I went up for a visit; he was in no pain and was in a private ward getting all the attention from the nurses. Thanks nice nurses in Glasgow, he fine and well and home again.

Meanwhile I flew off to Belfast for my one woman show. The rain battered the cobbled Irish streets and yet people queued in the lashing rain and the show sold out.

Belfast was awesome and it looked and felt a bit like Glasgow, I was fascinated with the place and have vowed to go back and spend more than one night and actually get to see the place.

By the way I found a great apartment in New York thanks to Ivan my mate in London who knew and woman who rents out her place….I am so excited all I need now is an UPGRADE on the VIRGIN flight from London to New York…any people out there good at that task? Please? I will kiss your toes!

Ashley and I fly to London this weekend; I am taking part in the Groucho gang show and then am off to the BAFTA TV awards on the Sunday. Ashley and I always have such a great time and I can’t wait to spend time with her.

Thanks for all who helped me try to get a flat in NY…I love ya…and if you live there come and see me my one woman play The Point of Yes at the Green Room on Bleecker St on the 23rd of May and my one woman award winning comedy show Good Godley! On the 24th of May

Virgin flight upgrade? Anyone?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Fighting and bitching…

I sat there on the sofa and chatted to husband, it was one of my long funny anecdotes, it’s a really funny story and you had to be there to laugh at it. I looked at husband when I was in full flow and he was completely ignoring me and watching telly.
“You don’t listen to me ever!” I shouted.

“Yes I do, I have heard this story before but you insist on telling it all over again” he snapped back.

“I hate you and I like telling a funny story and you repeat lots of your shite and I listen with interest as if I need to hear it again” I shouted.

“Well you should tell me to shut up, maybe we shouldn’t ever talk because after 27 years we must have heard everything we ever need to say to each other, and by the way I DO LISTEN – you know that wee voice you have in your own head that tells you to go pee, or go eat, or you must remember to do up your flies? THAT’S been replaced by your voice, I don’t have my own voice in my head” he screamed at me.

“Really my voice has replaced your in your head?” I smirked.

“Yes, I hear your voice constantly” he said.

“What is it telling you know?” I enquired.

“It’s telling me to tell you to fuck off” he laughed.

Well at least I have accomplished something- he hears my voice all the time….deed done.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Baby Abi confesses all…

As you all know I love my wee baby great Niece Abigail, she is only 3 years old, but funny as hell. I got her on video last night chatting about how her mouse died. Now it has been a source of mystery how wee ‘Squeaky’ died.
Abi carried this wee grey mouse around for days and loved it then it just died.

Well as soon as I put the camera up to Abi’s face she confessed the whole ‘Mouse’ story and believe me its worth watching especially when she gets to the bit where she stops herself and realises that ‘Shaking the mouse’ was a bad idea….hilarious go watch it now on Here

On another note I am STILL desperate for cheap decent central accommodation in Manhattan from May 22nd till June 1st as I am performing my play and comedy over in the US…please help?

Sunday, May 06, 2007

New York here I come…

This blog gets over half a MILLION hits a week and I am sending out into the big wide world web a quick plea. I am coming to New York on 22nd May till 1st June; I am performing my play The Point of Yes at the Green Room on Bleecker Street on 23rd May.
I need a decent cheapish hotel for 10 days, I will also be writing my Scotsman Newspaper column (it’s actually a whole page that I get) from New York So WI/FI is very important.
I can’t wait to go to New York and I will also be doing comedy and will keep you all updated on this as soon as possible.

So let me know if you can help!

Meanwhile Glasgow has given up its global warming campaign and the weather has gone mental and started to rain. I was awoken by the heavy slashing rain that battered off my bedroom window. This wasn’t what actually woke me up, what grabbed me from my slumber was the men who work in the bathroom store beneath my flat.
Their back door where they come out for their 11am smoke is directly beneath my bedroom window, and my window is directly above where my pillow snuggles my head.
“So then I was fucking this woman and I said to her ‘Ask me who the daddy is man’ and she just fucking lay there squealing”
(Glasgow men say the word ‘man’ at every given opportunity, like ‘it was great man, you should have seen the car man’ except in this situation surly when you are talking about fucking a woman, the word MAN should not come into it. Who am I to teach the scummy poor how to talk?)
I heard these words being bellowed from the nasty wee skinny acrylic-wearing sales assistant in between gasps of dragging on his cheap fag.

I leaned out of the window looked down and there he was, acting out his fake sex life in full swing.
“Hey MAN” I shouted “Why don’t you save your breath for you blow up doll and shut the fuck up as I try to sleep or actually have real SEX as you stand down there shouting out shite”
The wee skinny man looked up in shock. “I am sorry missus” he then flicked away his ciggie and ran inside the shops back door.

So that’s how I woke up today.
I can’t wait to wake up in New York.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Southport and beyond…

Sorry I have been missing in action, I have been gigging in the hot sun of the UK.
Things have been so hot here, I was off to seaside town of Southport in England the other day working and the place is LOVELY, so nice except the beach had miles upon miles of sand and the water is so far out, to reach it was like walking to Ireland!

Then husband decided that on the way back from England we dropped off in the Lake District before we headed up to Scotland. The Lakes are truly beautiful and in the basking sun it beats any world wide resort. We headed up into the mountain route and stopped off in a wee pub that is nestled in the carved out hills and took in the awesome view.

It was so serene, wee sheep trotted about and suddenly this huge ear popping roar descended through the valley and I screamed and hit the ground, sheep ran into fences and trees shook as a huge UK Air force war plane screamed above our heads and twirled about looking like a black triangular enemy space craft from Star Wars.
I almost shit myself, my ears were ringing and my nose bled!
What the fuck does that mean?

How can such a beautiful place have to be destroyed by screeching horrid war planes? I asked the barman of the wee hilltop pub what the hell is going on and he told me “They use this place to train and its killing tourism in the area, Beatrix Potter is huge round here and people come from all over the world to visit her home and then leave hysterical at the loud noise and never come back”

Another reason to hate Tony Blair as far as I am concerned, I want him to fuck off to America at the first chance and I hope the next UK Prime Minister stops war planes giving nose bleeds to lambs and tourists in the Lakes.