Thursday, July 07, 2005

Home Thoughts From a BROAD!

Well I am finally home. I did try to blog but the internet crashed three times over there and I almost set fire to the shop in fucking frustration!

Well here's some things I need ot tell you.

A) I got my mouth electocuted!

I went to a beauty salon for a 'cleansing facial' and quicky recalled that involved squeezing black I LOVE squeezing them, in fact I would squeeze the black heads on atramps arse if he let me...but I digress...I HATE mine (If I can possibly have any) being ripped out of my face, this is a sport I like inflicting not being the victim of so to speak.

The 'Therapist' was a small dumpy black haired Italian woman who spoke no English and I of course have limited Italian and dont know the words for "Leave my blackheads alone ya cunt" as that is never quoted in any phrasebook.

She approached me with this scary big white tube circular light and in the middle was this think giant magnified glass which she squashed her face inot, making the image of HER blackheads temptingly squeezable and she had a moustache that made all the nuns jealous.

She procceded to delve into my sunburned skin till I screamed "Holy Jesus fuck" for which she smacked me hard!

"No Jesus word" she scolded and then went into yet another squeeze position...I was in agony.

Normally beauty salons are quiet and the woman floats about the room silently creating an aura of serenity not this wee Italian mamma...I actually thought the clatter of pots and stuff as I was' relaxing' was her making pasta or at least re-arranging her kitchen.

Then she applied roughly this odd thick paste...I lay there and then heard a buzzing sound which alarmed me greatly as I hate anything electrical touching me (OK Vibrators are run on batteries NOT live fucking feed).

My fears were well found because as she went near my lips a big loud spark and a bang rang out as my lips got SHOCKED. I screamed and jumped up...she ranted at me like Mussolini at his hanging party...I was now convinced this treatment no longer belonged in the 'Realxing' category.

My lips smarted she ranted and I fled the room...I dont give a fuck what new innovative treatment this being electrocuted was not going to reduce my wrinkles by any means. In fact I think I just gaines two new lines on my face.

The Italians are by nature a well dressed Nation, though I cant get sexually excited at any man dressed in Lemon Linen and sockless loafers. Who knows?

Last night I got drunk...yes I and my self proclaimed soberity...but I got well pissed on gin. Me and my mate both got a bit pissed and I had been stressed but that drunken night did manage to get rid of my tension.

All thanks to Tom and his great company and his hospitality.

I will remember Rome forever.

The other thing that struck me and made me laugh was the way the Italians smack their kids dont go all pretentious and moral on me here, it was like Glasgow in the 1960's where small tantrum makers were open handed slapped by anyone close enough to get to them! Great memories for me of neighbours of mine that would 'skelp' me for being cheeky...this still happens in Italy.

I can go on about the traffic, the pick pockets, the shit coffee's but I will concentrate on the great Pizza, the wonderful scenery and the amazing fashonista's who trip tropped over eight million black cobbles in sparklingly sexy spiked heels...that will stay with me forever!

I will post some of my favourite photo's soon.

No comments: