The Birds.

So I finally get to the airport and Heathrow is heaving with holiday makers. I HATE that! I am a moany cow and a half at times.
Anyway I do automatic check in with BA and proceed straight to ‘Fast Bag Drop’ as instructed.

There is a big queue at the regular check in desk but ‘Fast Bag Drop’ is empty.
I breeze up to the nice lady and as I drag my bag full of shoes and clothes yet again unworn (why do I wear the same old gear over and over?) I hear a big Asian man shout “Someone should tell her there is a big queue”
I turn and look at him pointing at me, yet he still can’t confront me.

Me-“Why don’t you grow some balls and say what you want straight to me then?” I shout back at him as I pass over my boarding card to check in my bag.

Asian man (Now annoyed) - “You have jumped the queue”

Me-“No I haven’t and the next time you decide to complain make sure you know you are right or you will look an ass for shouting at women, have you no respect? This is the fast bag drop that I was told to go to by that big British Airways man (I pointed to a ground staff member who put me in this queue) and stop shouting at me and pointing at me or I will get security to stop you”

My Check in lady-“This woman is right, have you already checked in at the automated machine Sir?, if not then stay in that queue as indicated, stop distracting my customer when I am trying to ask serious security questions please”

By now the queue behind him, who were once on his side three seconds ago, were now distancing themselves from ‘his’ embarrassing mistake!
I smiled at him, well sniggered actually, he saw this and started shouting at me and called me a ‘Whore!’
At this the security men came over and took him out of the queue!
Lovely day at the airport!

I finally arrived in Glasgow and went outside for a coffee and a cookie. As soon as I sat down I called my mate, and as soon as I unwrapped my cookie…SEVENTEEN wee aggressive Glasgow Sparrows came hopping onto my table and tried to peck me and my cookie…it was like a fucking Hitchcock scene I kid you not!

I literally could not hear my mate for the noise the birds were making…they were screeching and chirruping at me so loudly I screamed at them…nothing would deter them! They were so cocky!

My pal asked me if I had decided to call him from the Amazon rainforest as he too could hear the ‘BIRDS’ cheeping in the background!

My mate-“Where the fuck are you? On a David Attenborough show?”

Me-“I am swamped by angry wee birds trying to get my cake…FUCK OFF YA WEE FUCKER!” was all he could hear me say.

People were walking past laughing at the lone woman and her angry bird collection, a Policeman went past and I asked him to bludgeon them with his truncheon but he smiled and said “They are only wee birds, don’t be so nasty”

“If you find me here with my eyes pecked out in ten minutes, it’s your fault” I screamed at him. The wee brown, grey fluffy fuckers gathered around my ankles, some hopping dangerously close to my hand as I broke my cake with shaky fingers, so I pulled out a box of matches I had in my bag and lit three like a small torch and waved it at them.


People were now watching a crazy haired woman trying to burn small birds….Honestly I looked like a nutter. I stuffed the cake into my mouth, the birds fled and immediately there was silence. Gone…all of them…no cake to peck and I was left sitting with a mouth full of cake and three burnt matches swearing at nothing.

Welcome to Glasgow Janey…