Slicing a Penis

Had the pleasure of headlining Billy Bonkers gig last night, I have to say his improv troupe is truly genius…Rock on State Bar! Billy is just the best; he has been running gigs in Glasgow for over ten years and was the guy who gave me my first ever gig! I love performing his wee gig. There was a woman there who had actually seen me in Edinburgh Fringe 2003 she lives in Oxford and was up visiting her daughter at Uni, anyway she swung by to watch the gig and we had fun catching up….can you believe she remembered me from Fringe 2003? Cool!

The night she came to see me two years ago, she brought her son Harry who was only eight at the time to the gig…we had such fun and we got Harry onstage that night to tell a joke…the wee man also revealed on that fateful night that he had once tried on his big sisters bra for a laugh in front of his wee mates! His parents were horrified. Harry I miss you if you are out there! Hope the bra thing has worn off.

So tonight I am in Manchester.

I am in the most glamorous hotel in Manchester, it’s the Radisson Edwardian. I am in a ‘suite’; there is a balcony (great for the UK this time of year) and the room is just divine. Thanks to a lovely bloke called Neil, he is a STAR! (He organized my hotel for me and I am well impressed) I may have to marry him, which is a shame for him really…coz he hasn’t actually asked me and that maybe a wee shock for him!
The gig at Laughing Cows was really good, the other females on the bill were just spot on. I suppose I was shocked when I asked the audience if anyone there liked sex and pain as I don’t really understand it and OH YES a man told us all how he cut his penis in half (down the shaft…he was explicit) as he liked sex and cutting…????

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?”

He merely smiled and said “It makes your cock desensitised and you can have sex for hours” was his answer.

The audience of mainly lesbian women went deathly quiet and stared at him.

“Well I think if you were going to cut your cock to bits, you should have done it here live on stage as 200 lesbians would have fucking cheered like K.D Lang had just flashed her minge, and excuse me but wanting to last longer at SEX is a good enough reason to slice your cock? Fucking hell dude what’s up with thinking about your mother like everyone else?”

The crowd liked that last bit and then I added ‘You really sliced it to last longer at sex? Isn’t that what dildos are for? You are frightening me!”

I can hardly believe that…I hate sex and pain, if my husband doesn’t take the weight on his elbows I piss in his tea.

This week is a big week for meetings, I am currently organising a ten date tour for my play and negotiating my return trip to New Zealand Comedy Festival in May 2006 with my comedy show. I hate the organising thing, just let me get up onstage and leave the details to others.

By the way if anyone out there can teach me or guide me into PODCASTING please do as I am really desperate to try it!