Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Life in day!...

Went into the post office yesterday, I needed to post a DVD of my show to some TV dude, so I thought the big flagship Post Office was best in town. I walked around and around looking for those padded envelopes that the DVD can fit into perfectly. The place was so busy and I had to weave in and out of people who were in the long snake like queue. I could not find the envelopes anywhere…then I noticed they had SOLD OUT of all the posting wrap and packaging, but they now sell hairdryers and kettles IN A FUCKING POST OFFICE? For the love of God …why? How was I supposed to wrap up my DVD? In a kettle and post it?

The day didn’t get any better, I was walking through Boots chemist shop when I recognised this older woman, I could not think where I knew her from, then it struck me, she was a good friend of my Uncle who abused me. She was in court as support in 1996 when I took my Uncle to court for sexually abusing me; she stopped when she saw me and spoke straight at me.

“Hello Janey” She spoke, I smiled and said hello back, she then launched into a tirade of abuse and accusations at me “By the way, I bought your book, and all that stuff is lies, your poor Uncle could not walk the streets because of your lying shit that you fucking cunt bustards told everyone”
I stood there watching her mesmerised, her mouth moved really quickly and she kept threatening to walk away, but stepped back to deliver another piece of abuse, her shopping was cascading in fan-like circles around her legs as she swung back and forth and that was amazing, it was like an angry swirly dance involving shopping and handbags’!

“You are a fucking, lying cow, and shit lying bastard that made that poor man really sad, we all know he never abused you, we all know that you fucking bitch lying cunt”

I stood there watching her wee smoke pinched mouth jabber quickly, I was impressed by the amount of swear words she packed in and the bag dance was poetic, but to be honest I wasn’t catching the smaller words, I forgot how slang people talk and I am NOT posh…but it was a real thick East End Mud-like accent.
I looked at her when she stopped to breathe and I said “Thanks for buying my book, I am sorry I don’t really understand everything you are saying, but good on you for trying, and if my Uncle was worried about walking the streets, then good, he was paedophile who deserved everything he got. I am sorry I need to go I want to spend that £15 I made on you buying my book”

So there we have it, I managed to post my DVD, I looked at Kettles in the Post Office and I had a paedophile fight beside the lip-gloss counter in Boots.

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