Sex and drugs and rock and roll!

Well gang...its been a while I KNOW! I am back in civilisation. Glastonbury was aweseome.

Its a long story so here goes...

Day one Ashley and I fly to London and meet my mate who will be driving us there. I hire a great car all big and has fully cool air con ( and fuck did we need it!). The weather was BURNING and we are Scottish and not used to the sun. I bought some fold up chairs and a 'Camping Wardrobe' -its basically a tall tent that is slim and good for getting dressed in as I believe that the only people who can get dressed lying down are hookers and nutters and I am neither...well i am a nutter but I can not possibly pull on jeans whilst horizontal!

Ashley assembled the tent and did a great erection ( hee hee), there was a load of really cute young guys around us also doing erections (hee hee..I will never tire of that!) and as I pulled out the sleeping bags I spoke loudly to her and said "Ashley do you want me to zip the two bags together and we can snuggle up tonight?"

She dropped the tent pegs and glared at me as she replied "Why dont you just say I am NEVER going to have sex?"

I looked around at all the young guys giggling as she blushed and huffed around the tent. "Mum I HATE you" she sneered. Oh dear, I may just have ruined her chances of fun at the festival...(good). I contemplated drawing on her head "I HAVE HERPES" as there is no mirrors in Glastonbury that I could see and she would never have known! That would have stopped any flip flapping fungus chewing hippy from trying to touch my preciousness!!

The first day was great, we sat there in the blazing sun chatting with Stewart Lee, Phil Nichol, Simon Munnery and all the other Glastonbury stalwarts...we did of course all feel the empty space that the legendary Mr Malcolm Hardee usually fills up, he died tragically last year in the Thames. He was sorely missed by all his friends who turned up to do a sepcial tribute to him. He booked me last year and although I didn't know him very well, I was very much appreciative of his help and will always respect him for believing in me.

I was worried about Ashley as she was suffering terribly from dreadful hay fever, she could hardly breathe...yet she soldiered on. She fell totally in love with Eleanor. The wee tot is Simon Munnery's daughter, he and his wife Janet also brought their new wee baby ' Grace' but Eleanor who is two years old became Ashley's best mate. Ashley loved her and spent lots of time chasing her and getting the wee tot to chase 'Cabin' also known as Kevin Eldon...who was fucking hilarious beyond belief and Ashley is now a huge fan of the funny man.

Day two started at 5am as rain torrentially battered down in huge fucking crashing waves, the thunder clobbered over the dark sky as if Mother Nature was playing ten pin bowling in a right bad mood and getting strikes everytime-the lightning shrieked out of the thick depressed clouds and sparked around us. I was terrified, I realised my tent was letting in water at the top as I had not secured the wee flap. I had no chance to go to my 'Changing room' and dress accordingly, there was water streaming in, so I forgo the modesty and run in the rain in my knickers and wet vest (not sexy) and could hear Ashley screaming in fear of the storm as I secured our tent, then screaming in shock as she realised her mother was half naked in the rain! I dived back into the tent soaked and Ashley and I sat there until 7am waiting for the storm to subside, yet the rain lashed our wee tent and the lightning made scary shadow puppets on the walls of our tent. We made a decision to get our wellies and waterproofs on and make a run for the green room.

We could not even see five feet in front of us as the rain soaked and blinded us both until we reached sanctuary....yet it wasnt..the green room was in water up to our thighs. This was a huge long tented room with all the tables and full kitchen where we ate, it was frightning to see the place flooded and watch tables float around, bread rolls bobbing up and down, people trying to hold up small kids above the rising tide of dirty water.

Ashley ran back to the campsite to help people and other comics rescue their dry clothes and to check on our campsite, -we were safe! Our tent was on a slight incline and managed to avoid wipe out but some other people could only watch as their tents floated away. She made her way back to the green room and as the small bridge was overwhlemed with the rising tide beneath- she went into the water. I didnt see this as I was in the green room unaware of the danger, but I was told she fell in by other people. She was never in any real danger but I was panicky and was the happiest person alive when she came sludging through that tent flap towards me.

Everyone was in shock at the deluge of water that seemed to surround the cabaret area, we were ok really and we heard horror stories about people up in the camping fields who had the shelters and dry clothes completely wiped out and now the sewage was mixing with flood!

We went from sunburn to drowned rats in hours! After what seemed like hours of rain...the sun began to break through, people started to peel of water proofs and began getting burnt again! There was concern that the cabaret tent would not function and that the show would be pulled...but in true showbiz fashion THE SHOW DID GO ON!

I was nervous about my performance but it all went good, the crowd was busy and everyone was in a good mood as the sun was out again. I wrote on my knees with bright blue ink FUCK RAIN...and made a joke about it onstage. Late on that night as i had shower, I panicked as I seemed to have bright varicous veins...then recalled my home made tattoos! I am a fucking nutter.

Day three saw Brendon Burns lose his voice, he asked me to come with him on an adventure trip to the outside world to collect loads of 'LEGAL' mushrooms to give to the crowd during his performance as part of his protest against the government making these particular mushrooms illegal. They are magic 'shrooms' and apparently very trippy...but I dont take anything like that in case I get a trip I dont like...to be honest this fucking trip I call life was hard enough and I dont need anything to 'Exaggerate or Recall' with my brain!

We actually drove out of the site and into Taunton. I was so excited getting to a service station to piss in a clean loo that I forgot I was wearing dirty shorts with faded swear words on my knees, badger trap hair, no make up and stripy sox and wellies.

People sneered at me and looked at me like I was some kind of fucking tramp ( well I was) that didnt belong in a Travel Lodge bar! (fuckers).

We were on camera the whole time as Paul Provenza was making a documentry about the whole trip for a future project he and Brendan are working on. I cant tell you how awful I must look on that video, I mean I am manky. I would be porn to that dude swampy the eco warrior!

Ok the rest of this blog will resume tomorrow, remind me to tell you of the village that would not let me do a pee, so I pissed on their local churchyard..its all true! see you soon.