soft furnishings and Red magazine

Another sunny day in Glasgow! I am so hungry and really want to stuff myself with cakes and buns but cant I must clean the house. The worse thing is - every TV programme at this time of day is just full of cookery shows or people who want to make their home better.

I dont really understand people who spend all their time 'Improving their home' the money spent is just astronomical!

It's just a house, why do people get so obsessed by soft furnishings and painted skirting boards?

I am the woman who finds things in skips and takes them home! That big lamp I found works perfectly, my daughter Ashley says it will have some electronic fault and burn us all to death in the night! Pah!

I have a few interviews to do soon and am not sure how I feel about that, it's all to do with the book coming out. I am quite happy to talk to people I know about it, but chatting to people I dont know who have just read my book makes me feel weird. I never really know how people really feel about the book, as they all say nice things. No doubt when the press start slagging me off, I will fucking wish that statement hadn't came out of my mouth!

God knows how I am going to behave when I have to do those live TV shows chatting about 'my life'. I will probably freeze and talk shit! I have done live TV before when doing comedy and stuff, but this is different.

The article I wrote myself goes in RED magazine in May as does the ELLE interview. I now have Guardian, Times and various others to get through. All will be fine I am sure.

Must lose weight incase they describe me as a wee fat rolly polly woman.

I really want cake. Even as I sit here and write I can feel my boobs getting in the way of my hands, that is not a good sign unless I am 23 years old and incredibly slim with a penchant for shagging TV soap stars and hanging outside clubs in my knickers.

I am 44 years old and if I am found outside a nightclub in my knickers then you know that I have finally snapped and took to drinking petrol, snorting drugs and running through the streets in my pants screaming about talking animals!

Wont that be a good article for the Guardian to write about?

I need to go eat. See you tomorrow.