how to work me FAQ

After all these years of marriage, you would think husband would know by now how to understand some 'Trigger signs'?

Well...No he doesn't. Even when I unleash the hormonal cloven hoofed hell that comes out of my mouth on these ever frequent occasions, he continues.

My daughter likened him to one of those confused lab rats, who despite being shocked by a small voltage every time they nibble food at the electric wire they keep going back and doing the same thing over and over.

When he says something really fucked up and annoying she whispers 'Thats right wee white rat, keep prodding your nose against the wire' or 'Ok heading for the shock again lab rat'

In last years blog I gave out some HOW TO WORK JANEY TIPS here is some more..for my husband...

tip 1) If I looked bloated and there is a red ring around my waist that indicates my knickers have become 'tools of the devil' and they are threatening to slice me like cheese wire DO NOT SAY " Are you too fat for those sexy knickers I bought you last year?"

tip 2) When I burn my hair trying to straighten it and cry at my curls DO NOT SAY " I love it when you look like a bushy woman, just leave it curly like Tina Turner, she loves her hair curly and it makes you look like Roseanne".

tip 3) NEVER SAY AGAIN IN PUBLIC "Janey is really weird coz she can even snore whilst lying on her side".

tip 4) Never be stupid enough to be offering a six foot three stand up comic one of my leather belts to hold up his jeans when his snapped because you think that I am the same waist size as a fifteen stone man.

tip 5) When you think I am really asleep, and you can tell this as I am snoring on my side, NEVER EVER assume that if you put your freezing cold hands on my boobs, that will tempt me to become awake and maybe turn around and kiss you.

tip 6) If I am ever pushed to buying make up in front you in a store NEVER EVER SAY TO THE ASSISTANT-"Please dont let my wife buy this incase she ends up looking like you do with all that purple stuff on your eyes..have you been too near a smokey fire?...why is that eye stuff 26 pounds?"

tip 7) If I want to pay fifty quid getting a back massage, you shouting you will 'rub me' for fifty pence is not funny.

tip 8) NEVER EVER assume that I want fucking 'lavender bath salts' as a birthday present, I will never get over that humiliation in January at my birthday. I wanted an IPOD and despite shouting it at you for three weeks prior, you still never got the hint. I bought it myself.

tip 9) NEVER look at old photo's of me and say' That was the years when you could really bend your legs and you didn't have a wee moustache"

tip 10) Always make me tea when you are busy and I want it, always ignore me when I cry about my mental hair ( but dont try to run your fingers through it, it's like a badger trap) Always tell me you love me, even when I feel too fat to bend down to tie my shoes. Always pretend to be interested when I tell you what happened on the way to the shops. Always do that nice thing when you put your hand on my thigh when you sleep, even when i am on the other side of the bed, you make contact. Always do that.

I will try to be less annoying and shouty.