The Brits and Naked girls…

I have had the most horrible couple of days. After the car crash, I had to stay up to 5am to get to the airport in the hope British Airways would let me on the first flight. I did this on the advice of their call centre staff, when I got there the staff did give me a stand by ticket, then a really angry supervisor decided that I wasn’t getting the ‘free’ upgrade to an earlier flight and made me buy a new ticket. I did this as I had an audition with BBC at 11.30am, I did explain to her I was acting on advice from BA staff but she stood there all angry and mental and said I was “immoral asking the ‘girls’ on the desk for an early ticket as this is impossible” I was about to tell her about how sitting in a BA plane for three hours on the tarmac after getting me out of bed at 4am for a 7am flight that never took off till 11am last December was fucking evil, never mind immoral, but I saw she was one of those women who will always be right, even in the face of wrongness…poor cow. But I am going to write and complain to her boss, when I get home.
So anyway, there I was flying into London early and got straight to the apartment in time for a change of clothes and coffee. I made it to the BBC centre in time and the audition passed very quickly, I think I did the best I could. This part is for a Scottish drama and the good thing is, IF I get this part I get to ride a ‘Penny Farthing Bicycle’ how cool is that?
I dashed off back to the flat to get ready for the Brits party; I took ages with my hair and make up as I did want to look nice. Finally I met up with Emma, my publicist from Ebury Press. We got through the whole ‘red carpet’ door scenario and walked downstairs at the Astor which used to be the Atlantic Bar, where I used to run a comedy club in 2001.
I love the old Art Deco bar, it really does remind you of a bygone era, all original Art Deco fittings, marble pillars, ornate ceiling, huge chandelier…it looks like the interior of the Titanic!
Anyway on the floor at the entrance to the main bar was a huge projection of a swimming pool complete with huge big Koi Carp dashing about…it was scary to step on, my brain knew it was a silver screen on the floor with a digital projector but my eyes kept dashing around trying to make sense of the image as I literally walked on water…and fish!
We got seated and then in came a horde of very near naked girls…I have to tell you how funny this was…one girl was small and very skinny but with HUGE un-natural globe like fake breasts, the nipples of which were poking though a fluorescent pink string vest she was wearing (she had no bra of course), all she had on underneath the pink string vest was a pink tiny g-string, her hair was that extreme white blonde and she looked like she had just opened her make up bag and shook it over her face!
She was surrounded by equally near naked girls who almost all looked the same, g-strings, big hair burst make up bag affliction…
As I went to the loo…pink fluorescent girl was lying on the swimming pool effect flooring, the digital fish swam everywhere as the blue water shimmered on the screen, she laughed with photographers around her, she then spread her legs wide and at that very moment I said loudly “I don’t know if you know but as you opened you legs a big animated fish swam into your vagina!”
The photographers laughed loudly and pink girl looked at me annoyed and sniggered “Well old woman, are you lying down here getting YOUR picture taken?”
I looked at her from a strange angle and then walked round to see her face and I replied “No, I am not because I managed to get an education, not a very good one to be honest but one that will ensure I never have let fish swim up my vag in front of strange men!”
Again people laughed and I then felt desperately sorry for her, I was annoyed at taking the piss out if her as she really believes she is doing what empowers her and maybe it does, I just don’t agree with it and I shouldn’t mock her for choosing that life…who am I to judge?
Now the whole room was heaving with minor and major stars of the music business, young men stared at the semi naked pouting girls for a short while, the pouting girls were now kissing each other, maybe for two reasons…
1) They were disappointed in the men there
2) If they pretended to be lesbians the men would want them more…
Anyway as I watched the men watching the women, the actually became strangely immune to them and after a while women who were dressed actually became objects of curiosity! I had four young guys come over to chat to me as they assumed that as I was older and had clothes on I must be influential in the music business, the pushed the sexy girls out of the way to sit beside me and were pretty annoyed to find out I was just a stand up comic/writer.
It was a funny night and yet good fun, I saw loads of famous people, who largely sat by themselves or with their minders and chatted intently, as the near naked girls giggled and chattered like wee gaudily dressed sparrows on the fringes of the room.
Lets hope they had fun!