Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Every part of my life results in me weighing up how much everything I do affects other people. For example, if I sleep late that means my husband will have to wait for me to get up before things can get done. Then again if I wake up early, and Hoover the house, I risk bothering everyone who is asleep. If I wake up early, Hoover, and sit and read my emails without calling my dad first, I may upset him, he likes me to call him when I wake up. If I wake up and leave the house without telling anyone I risk upsetting my family.

Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder how much I am upsetting people by not getting up or if me getting up will annoy people.

Sometimes I sneak out of the house, I don’t clean or Hoover, I just leave quietly and wander the city streets listening to my IPod. I look at stuff in shops and consider buying it, but if I spend cash on stuff I like, I might be depriving my family of cash they might need at a later date. Then I call them and let them know I am out and I am fine, they accept this explanation and wonder why I didn’t tell them I was going out, I tell them I am sorry. I say sorry a lot.

Then I will go to the shops and buy dinner, I have to make sure I take everyone’s taste into account. I would like caramel shortbread and toffee ice cream for dinner but my family will probably want mince and potatoes, so I buy a tray of minced steak and stare longingly at caramel cake. I get home and brush my teeth, I realise that the toothpaste is running low, so I only use a tiny bit as I can’t deprive my child or husband toothpaste, then I hate myself for not knowing it was running short.

I remember when I thought about nothing but me. I was 17 years old; I could sleep late, eat what I wanted and didn’t have to tell anyone where I was. It felt lonely at times, but I knew that was just what life was like.

Life just happened but I knew changes were coming and I recall hoping that I would find a boy who loved me. I found him, he married me the next year and since then every single thought I have has to include how it would affect him; I believe its called love.

No comments: