Day two of stopping smoking and other lung stories

Sunday was Mothers Day but as both the women who were my mothers are dead (birth mum and lately lovely step mum) I don’t really like this day much. Ashley hugged me but I saw she had a screw driver in her hand behind her back. She must be getting ready to do some DIY.

I woke up with a tabby cat growling in my chest, it seems the less I smoke the bigger this phlegmy cat is getting! I still haven’t had a ciggie and am determined not to, though everyone seems tense around me.

I have a smoking voice in my head, it tells me to smoke and fuck everyone else’s opinion about it, the voice is loud; I am resisting listening to it. It vaguely sounds like The Fonz, yes that’s exactly who is in my head, The Fonz “Heyyy! Janey get a smoke baby” he is cool and keeps trying to get me to smoke. Damn you evil Fonz. I went back to bed with husband.

I slipped in closer to husband and said “If I asked you would you go back in time and the kill the Fonz”. He stared at me. I snuggled tight to him.

Husband leapt out of bed, this is unusual as this is the man who would accept snuggles even during a brain haemorrhage (true story circa1987).

“Janey, you need to leave Ashley alone, if she wants to arrange her room anyway she wants to -that’s her business” he muttered and left the room.
I got a smoking pang and really needed a ciggie in that moment, instead of getting a fag out -I ate an anti acid tablet, I don’t have heart burn, but I needed to put something in my mouth, husband so missed an opportunity right there! I lay on the bed and pondered. The Fonz stared at me and winked, pointing to the drawer that keeps the ciggies. I shook my head and sucked on the chalky mint tablet.

Husband was annoyed at me for shouting at Ashley.

I didn’t know he was aware that Ashley’s messy room had been annoying me since I had stopped smoking, she must have been telling him tales or I have been shouting at her? I wonder which?

So I slipped out of bed, I sneaked down the hallway, I prepared to open her door when both she and my husband came out of her room, they were smiling and she says “dad, is taking me to IKEA to get cupboards do you want to come mum?”

She was still clutching the screw driver, I started to think she was using this tale of cupboard building as a ruse to hide the fact she wants to stab me with a screw driver, but she was holding an IKEA brochure. The Fonz grabbed me from behind and whispered “When they go to IKEA you can have a sneaky fag”

“I will come with you if that’s ok?” I smiled at my bewildered family; they didn’t know The Fonz was fag baiting me.

So Ashley got shed loads of cupboards and drawers and new bed linen and I even managed to help carry it all up five flights of stairs without fainting, I love my recovering lungs.

I heard Ashley tell her mate on the phone that “Psycho Bob is looking crazy and she is worried for Psycho Bob’s mental health, apparently Psycho Bob is now talking to an empty space, the good news is Psycho Bob is going away on a trip soon, which makes me feel good, as I am off to London for two weeks in April and wouldn’t want my daughter left at the mercy of some psychotic bastard.

Day two of stopping smoking is not too bad to be honest.