Ladies Who Lunch

“Ladies, are you all having fun?” the curvy blonde hostess squealed with excitement over the microphone. I looked around and watched a whole room of predominately blonde women throw their skinny brown arms in the air and whoop.

I was at a charity luncheon organised by influential women in Glasgow. It was illuminating and entertaining, if not ever so slightly patronising, when the hostess suggested that their ‘poor husbands’ were left dealing with the babies for the afternoon.

If I thought my husband was incapable of looking after a baby, I wouldn’t have given him the task. In fact my husband was better at dealing with our baby than me, he could open doors and carry her at the same time, it took me till she was toddling before that happened.

I was there in my role of comedian; I certainly wasn’t there to display my tightly toned thighs, expensively coiffed hair or exclusive handbag. This was Glasgow’s glitterati at its best.

There can be nothing more infuriating than standing in front of a room full of people who are there to celebrate strong hard working women and have a female MC apologise for you before you even speak. How empowering is that?

“This woman coming up is a dynamo, she is incredibly rude and uses strong language so if anyone here has a nervous disposition please leave the room now” was the words I came onstage to.

You would think a naked Dorothy Parker on crack was about to be unleashed on a nun’s tea party and to top it all the venue was actually a church! I am perfectly capable of performing comedy without using bad language. Comedy isn’t always about cursing. It can be funny and clean.

There can nothing more disconcerting for a comedian, when Jesus is staring at you in His full glory through a fifty foot high stained glass window and ex- Scottish First Minister Jack McConnell is sitting in the front row and you have a brilliantly funny joke about Gordon Brown that involves religion.

I have to say it was a great gig, Jack laughed, Jesus didn’t strike me down and Kelly Cooper-Barr even forgave my black outfit with brown boots ensemble. Kelly is the doyenne of Scottish fashion and she looked effortlessly fabulous. She is one of those women who could wear a sheet of crumpled polystyrene bubble wrap and make it hip.

The event included a charity auction and someone paid £2000 for a handbag, I was impressed. In my entire life span I don’t think I will spend more than £100 in total on handbags - not when charity shops have a great selection and Primark stay in business.

The highlight of the event was a George Michael tribute act. This bloke was amazing, he really did look like my favourite musical hero George Michael, he sang like him and danced like him, but I think his really name was Barry. He really was awesome, I was on my feet dancing to his music.

Women screamed and ran to have their photo’s taken with the lovely talented Lookey-likey.

I don’t really get the whole lookey-likey thing, if my husband died but had an identical twin that looked like him, sounded like him and had his wee idiosyncrasies, I wouldn’t fall in love with him and use him as a doppelganger. It’s not really him.

It was an awesome event and I loved doing the show. Jack McConnell even came over to congratulate me on my comedy performance.

The day was wonderful and the event had raised over £60,000 for National Children’s Homes.