Burnt heads and bitten feet….

I woke up this morning and I have two big insect bites on my ankles, yes! Some nasty wee fucking bitey things had a feast on my ankle, I have two huge lumps that have the tiny wee pin head red entry zone clearly marked….yuk some horrible thing was sucking on me! My husband has this strange philosophy that if you talk to insects they won’t hurt you; now two things are flawed with this arrangement.
1) I can’t see them spraying their evil anaesthetic on me as they prepare to eat, so how can we chat?
2) I am not the fucking bee whisperer

So there we have it. To top it all off, I managed to burn my forehead with hair straighteners, I wanted a nice hair do and ended up with a strange Maori branding that I never expected.
Last night after the Diva’s show (it went great) Ashley and I were rehearsing some of the comedy sketches we will be doing at Edinburgh’s Fringe Festival. Ashley excitedly told me she had developed a new skit, so we went ahead and improvised ….the premise was that she was this annoying insincere Aussie therapist and every time I talked she nodded and said “yeah” over everything I said. Then it developed into her slapping my anger out of me, now it was funny but she got carried away and practically beat me up and I am sure she just did it to violently pound me about the head with her huge palms! She is getting bored of my company I think.
On another note, there is a huge ginger cat at Downstage Theatre called Tibald, Ashley is smitten by this funny cat except last night as she stoked its big fat ginger belly, the cat nudged her hand down and tried to get her to stroke its cat cock! I kid you not; it lay there with its legs open and was trying to sexually assault my child! Ashley was screaming, the cat merely stood up winked at her and strolled saucily into the catflap with a sexy swagger. Ashley said she felt dirty “Mum I played all night with that cat and it made me feel like a one night stand whore, it actually was headbutting my hand to get it down to its wee cat man willie, then when I refused it just strutted away…yuk that is Colin Farrell the cat”
Don’t worry we have it on video, not the cat sexually enticing my daughter, just the cat itself.
So tonight I nursed my insect bites and vowed to learn mosquito talk in the hope I can charm the bastards away from my flesh. I hate beasties.
Tomorrow ‘Good Godley’ finally opens in Wellington.
I was in the society type gossip column yesterday, photographed beside NZ’s famous comic and actor Mike King. Mike is good old mate from when I came to NZ before, I love his stuff and we had a natter at the Gala after party. So I am off to apply more antiseptic to my burnt head, I cannot believe I am going onstage tomorrow with a scorched and faintly well slapped head…thanks to my daughter.