The world’s laziest woman

I am well aware that the blog is late, I was lying in bed last night, thinking “I haven’t written a blog in ages” and then felt guilty and fell asleep tangled like a pretzel, woke up and have a squinty squashed tit. Hope you are all happy now then eh?

Last week was stressful as I had to get millions of forms filled out to apply to the Adelaide Comedy fringe, seriously there must be an easier way to do that. I can’t even imagine how people went to festivals and organised them before the internet was invented, all that posting forms and videos must have been hellish. But I can tell you that I hate E-Forms that decide they can’t take information for no good reason other that being bastardish and that’s a word I just invented for E-Forms that refuse information.

Meanwhile my flat has decided to sabotage me. The shower got angry and premenstrual and stopped providing hot water, the shower then whispered passive/aggressive abuse to the toilet pan and in a fit of pique it dislodged its toilet pan seat and loosened the screws so that when I sat on it – it all fell apart and grabbed my flabby arse flesh and hurt it.

The carpet in the toilet saw the revolt happening and soaked itself with water that we have no knowledge of the source and is now damp and smelly. A small curly insect of no known origin stuck itself to the toilet roll and I touched it with my finger.

The kitchen cupboards heard the commotion, got insecure and wobbled off its hinges. At that exact moment two big boxes of paper work in my wardrobe had nervous exhaustion from all the tax information it held and burst at the seams, then slid out in an avalanche of slippy plastic folders all over my bedroom floor, jamming up the sliding mirror door.

The kitchen got worried it wasn’t getting enough attention and all the big kitchen spoons and bread knives decided to make a pyramid team and jam themselves into the drawer and refused to open. No amount of cajoling would get it reveal its hidden cutlery, they all sat in their in a big bad mood and spoons curled round each other like emotional teenagers screaming ‘don’t touch me’. We have been using chop sticks from the drawer that houses the take away menus and the thing that fits into the food processor.

I stood exasperated and smelly in my hallway and screamed at the house loudly, it answered me back by letting go of the screws that held up the washing pole in the cupboard and disdainfully let my wet towels land on the Hoover. It’s been that kind of week. If houses have a personality then mine reflects ‘Carrie- the possessed years’.

To top it all a pigeon flew in my bedroom window, smacked my head and flew out shitting on the curtains.

I may go live in a tent soon.
On a happy note the podcast is becoming a roaring success gaining thousands of subscriber’s daily- THANK YOU PEOPLE!

Ashley and I went on BBC radio Scotland and spoke about the podcast and had fun chatting with Janice Forsyth on her Comedy Café radio show.

By the way if you have any questions you want to raise about the podcast or anything you want to add just twitter me @JaneyGodley and we will include it in the podcast.

I am off to London next week for work, meetings and fun with my mate Monica. I do miss her.

I will have to win the lottery soon to pay for all things that have gone wrong with my flat, so if you have the winning numbers tweet them as well!