Toronto is Nice

So I arrived in Toronto after a three hour delay with British Airways, where we had to sit on the ground at Heathrow waiting for a staff member to arrive as they were a man down…three hours for this fuckwit to finally get to the airport and board the plane. I was sat beside a woman in her late 30s who did a shed load of paper work, then sat back sucked her thumb and twiddled her hair as her legs rocked up and down. The suckling noises were horrifically disturbing, here’s a tip people – thumb sucking is cute in the womb on a sonar scan, not on a fully formed grown woman!

I got into the city and in to the hotel in quick time, I got to bed and snored loudly and happily after the long flight. I am performing all week at YukYuk’s Toronto and the local comics are lovely and the club is really cool.

The weird thing is there is no break in the show and four comics do seven minutes then I go up and do 45 minutes! That’s odd for me coz in the UK comics do 10 minutes, then a 20 minutes and then the headline does 30 minutes…it just felt odd, but the Canadian audiences are just lovely.

No one has had a problem with my accent except for last night when a big American man from Dallas in the front row shouted loudly when I walked onstage “Will we get closed captions with the Scottish woman?”

I laughed and said “Shut up fatty boom boom”

“How dare you” he shouted back.

“Well, you understood that didn’t you sir?” I giggled, the room cheered and the show went fabulously well.
The fat American and I bonded and all was well.

Toronto is a very benign city, there is no menace, and the homeless folks lay right smack bang in the middle of the pavement on a grill that blows hot air. It is a highly inconvenient spot to choose, but they don’t care and they sleep fully extended on the ground letting the people from the financial district step around them. I like that the homeless are so visible and tolerated, there is something to be said about people who don’t sneer or try to hide their social issues.

I tried to step round a homeless bloke at the traffic lights and I tripped over his leg and he shouted “you clumpy footed cunt” at me which made me think he might have had Scottish ancestry, and then he smiled.

They call you ‘cunt’ then laugh, I love these people.

Back in the UK I missed the ‘dance off’ between, Brown, Cameron and Nick Clegg with their political jousting live on telly. For those reading this abroad, the UK is about to have an election and we had a debate with the three major politicians. From all the tweets I read it seems Cameron was slimy, Brown was bumbling and Clegg resembled a woman trying to get into the Masonic Lodge.

I am going to miss my daughter Birthday on 19th April as I will still be in Canada and by all accounts on the news, with the volcanic cloud from Iceland I might not get home at all! So please wish Ashley; http://twitter.com/ashleystorrie on Twitter for me on 19th as it will help assuage my guilt of not being there.

Speak soon.