The Heat is on

My nose is burned and the heat in Glasgow is mental. I mean its scorching, it’s serious – that big burning ball of fire in the sky- ‘The Sun’ is making a comeback and Glasgow is its opening season.

We haven’t seen ‘The Sun’ in ages, in fact we REALLY gave up on it, much in the same way we gave up on Madonna after she started collecting babies from dead mothers in Africa, we knew she couldn’t go back to singing after that. Luckily Lady GaGa made a hat out of a fish tank and flashed her minge whilst singing big songs, she’s great.

Anyway ‘The Sun’ hasn’t been on tour in Scotland since….aw…way back last year, maybe August? It was a sell out show back then, everyone came out to see it and people were totally worshipping it, but for some reason – it gave up on public appearances in Scotland and left us for a better hemisphere. We got ‘The Snow’ – Yes that came and entertained us for a while, it was amazing, I mean it killed, it was a showstopper but we like ‘The Sun’ better.

So today we all heard on the radio that ‘The Sun’ was coming for a whole day and me and squillions of other Scottish people and especially in Glasgow headed out to go pay homage to our hero.

Me and my wee great nieces Abi (6 years old) Julia (3 years old) and their mum Ann Margaret all headed off to the Botanic Gardens up Glasgow’s West End. We decided not to go to Kelvingrove Park as we went there the other night and saw a teenager on a BMX bike with a real live python round his neck, it clung to his torso as he did tricks in the skateboard park, and it freaked us a bit.

We don’t like people who ride bikes and do tricks.

The girls, their mum and I managed to find a spot amongst the crowds who had gathered to shield their tiny Scottish eyes from the majestic ‘Sun’.
People looked happy, but something came to me that I had forgotten, and its this – kids don’t really like sitting in a park in the blistering heat, there is nothing to do but eat or scream at bees.

People brought dogs to the park and they hate the heat as much as the kids. They started snapping at random children, trying to either eat their melting ice creams or just having a go at something head level to them.

All around us were happy languid West Ender’s eating Marks and Spencer’s salads and drinking cool chilled wine from hampers, and surrounding them were innately bored, sweaty toddlers who screamed for shade, their own sofa and their cartoons.
Even Abi got annoying and she is normally fabulously funny, chatty and so easy to be with. Abi, started to bitch, moan and get involved with complete strangers lying beside us and then slating their dress sense, food choice and loudly speaking about everyone and everything she has ever disliked.
It was like she was a wee Scottish Perez Hilton.

Nothing would shut her up. Then Julia threw her weird tantrum, its worth seeing. Julia has a strange way of throwing a tantrum, she doesn’t speak, she stands with fists clenched and opens her gigantic blue eyes and basically stares at something without blinking, its totally freaky, she glared at a couple of kissers for almost 20 solid minutes, and it frightened the kissing couple – in fact I think it broke them up.

Then she progressed with her David Lynch tribute act and threw my big flip flop at a pigeon almost killing it in front of other stressed toddlers who screamed as it flapped in pain into the circle of guitar – playing posh teens who were all on their IPhone’s or talking about ‘Topher’s trip to Tibet’. Abi commented loudly on their hairstyles and baggy shorts, apparently one girl had a big nose and bushy hair.

We couldn’t stop her she was in full on bitch mode.

Me and Ann Margaret tried to ignore the kids but it wasn’t just our kids that were annoying, once one toddler screamed at ‘The Sun’ it set a chain of events off and before long, there were just heaps of tired floppy kids haranguing parents to go home.

Scottish people need ‘The Sun’ to make them feel good about living in the dark rainy climes, but the kids didn’t understand that and just screamed loudly as one big burning wound.

We cajoled, we played, we chatted, we sang songs but the kids decided if we didn’t get our fat asses off the grass, they would actually swallow their own tongue for attention. Well, that’s what it felt like, Julia choked on ‘nothing’ and Abi pretended to be dying on a bit of cardboard- clutching her chest and mock vomiting.

So ‘The Sun’ made a comeback, but it only served to hurt us, annoy our children and make dogs slightly mental, foamy and bug eyed bitey.

Goodbye ‘The Sun’ I enjoyed you.