Sunday, January 14, 2007


Yes! I know what a title for me…little miss housewife and mother, but there we have it.
I was just thinking today as I read a magazine about how women of a certain age perceive sex.
I am sick to fucking death about the ‘we want sensitive men’ crap and here’s the deal.

I don’t want a bath run for me, or a back massage, or a chat about my day….I just want to go to bed and get jiggy. I know this makes me sound awful and ‘not really what a woman should be’ but I am fucking annoyed that today’s men are so scared of being demanding. They have to cook a meal, burn countless tea lights over the bedroom and put on some soft music.
I can do without steak, I hate the smell of candles and I don’t need the noise of fucking whales moaning in the background when I just want laid.

My husband, and I am sure countless other men get completely fucked up by women and our constantly changing moods we go from ‘You only want me for sex’ to ‘You never listen to me’ so it’s hardly surprising that they worry and don’t know whether to rub scented oils on your feet or rip off your bra.

I am nearly 46 (next week) and am now after 200 years of marriage still not sure what it is I want and he will never fully work me out, I am a complex of emotions….a Rubix Cube of Demands if you will….if you get all the colours matched up then I am yours. So far he hasn’t worked out one side yet and I am sure that’s what keeps us together so far.

As far as birthdays go….well last year I was in London alone on my special day and he never sent a card, or did that spontaneous thing of turning up at my door with a hard on and chocolates (which is my favourite fantasy except the hard-on belongs to 50 Cent the black rapper) he merely called me and told me that he had bought me LAVENDER….yes you read that correctly fucking smelly Lavender…now as much as I like it washed through my bed lined …I DO NOT expect it as a birthday present when it is clearly a knock down Tesco special gift pack on sale after Christmas.

He has never really recovered from the lavender incident and probably will die fretting about it. When I un-wrapped the gift, I was furious.

Imagine Coco Chanel being given beige stretch leggings and a pair of vinyl beach shoes as an outfit and you get the picture or imagine Elton John being given a plastic clock in the shape of Native American Indian’s head for his sitting room wall and you really get the picture…I threw the lavender off the living room wall and refused to speak to him until he could give me three valid reasons why he thought I wanted lavender as a gift.

He sat sheepishly in the bedroom and came out and said “It wasn’t my idea Ashley picked it” which I knew was lie as my daughter is way too classy to pick lavender, so not only could he not think of a reason….HE LIED….it took till February before I kissed him again.

This year I want chocolate and sex and in that order….preferably both from that black cutie 50 Cent…I am sure he could offer me more than lavender.

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