Trains and drunks!

I was booked to do comedy at Leeds Jongleurs from Thursday to Saturday this weekend, the gig was booked in ages ago, and so I bought a cheap rail ticket for Thursday morning at 9am.
I realised I hadn’t had a confirmation call from the comedy company, so I called them and thus ensued a mix up. They told me that Leeds might not be on but they would let me know later that night on the Wednesday. I waited….no call….I waited some more…no call… then on Wednesday late I packed a case just to be sure, my train was 9am the following morning.
I text and called the company…to no avail.

I assumed the gig wasn’t on Thursdays, but just to be sure I got up at 8am and sat in my pyjamas and waited for the call….none came.
Then at exactly 8-35am I got a text telling me the gig was on.
I rushed to the train station, dragging a laptop and a suitcase. Luckily I live near Glasgow Central…
I found a four seater with table free and plonked my stuff down and settled in. I was really tired and stressed from all the last minute rushing and the last thing I wanted was company.
Lo and behold, a hippy, long haired couple sat beside me.
They proceeded to pull out two bottles of wine and a half bottle of vodka from their bag! It was 9am for fuck sake…I could barely get down coffee!

The smell was making me heave, I hate drunks….after 15 years of owning a bar in Glasgow’s East End, the last thing I wanted was two lush’s sitting with me.

“We are from Bath, we own an organic farm” slurred the woman.

Great- I thought! Drunken snobs into free fresh farming, yippee fucking dippee for me!

“What do you do?” the slow blinking smelly woman asked.

“I am a comedian, I am really tired and to be honest I don’t want to talk” I said.

I shouldn’t have told them what I do for a living, obviously everything else I added to that meant nothing and she wanted to interview me on my life….it was my own fault, I should have said “ I am an office cleaner” which I usually do but I was tired and the words came out.

She sat there and he dragged his dirty fingers through his lank dirty blond hair and in his deep weird sounding English accent said “We love Scotland, tell me what kind of comedy do you do? I know comedy so well, I love Benny Hill, come on girl give us a laugh” he then turned to his female companion and added “This will be great she will entertain us all the way home!” and he actually snapped his drunk fingers.

I thought I was going to stab them right there and then and it was only 9-30am.

I sneered and tried not to breathe the stench of organic sandals and wheatmeal cardigans and said “Look, I really cant be fucking arsed listening to you two talking shite, I don’t want to talk about comedy, I want to sleep and can you please stop slopping vodka everywhere, I am quite grumpy ok?”

Now this would have made normal people balk….but oh no…not the two organic drunks from Bath, they thought I was just ‘joking’ with them.

Other Glaswegians who sat near could tell from the tone of my voice that I may just get up and beat them to death.

“She is so funny, isn’t she Ralf” the drunk woman barked and snorted as she threw down another plastic glass of vodka into her mouth.

“Listen I am not joking, I am very fucking volatile, get away from me and find another seat NOW!” I stood up and screamed. At that point the ticket man entered and even he walked back the other way!

The drunks laughed again, I just grabbed my things and I moved seats.

I finally got to Leeds at 1pm-ish and checked into the hotel to find YET again….another hotel with dodgy internet connection. (This is the fucking bane of my life) but I am finally online at £10 a day for the connection charge. (I hate that as well, I am very grumpy)

The good news is Leeds Jongleurs is a fantastic gig, the people are awesome and I love that club. I even got to meet a lovely couple who read this very blog! How awesome?