Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Things I told my Daughter

1. Never shave your pubes for a man, if he likes naked pubed women he probably likes naked kids.

2. Never laugh at a man's jokes to make him feel good, you will spend your life pretending he is funny and he might want to take up comedy, the world doesn't need that.

3. Always be your honest self, if a bloke doesn't like it, you need to know soon- as pretending you like horses, skiing and vegetarian food is a lifelong commitment and fucking hard work.

4. Never pretend you are somewhere else to appease a man, if you need to lie, you will be doing it forever.

5. Never fake an orgasm, it's like buying a beautiful coat and just using it to piss on. Just be honest.

6. If a man ever tells you that you look fat or ugly naked never take that on board always assume his mother tucked his penis into his pants until he was 14 years old and kissed his mouth too much.

7. Always compliment a man as much as you expect to be complimented, it's not a one way street.

8. If you believe your boyfriend is right stick up for him, your pals won't always be right.

9. Never settle for mediocre and always encourage any man you are with to do the same, find someone who is worth being with and is worth you.

10. Have sex whenever and with whoever you want, your own sexual self worth is your business and nobody else's and anyone who judges is a cunt.

11. Never poke fun at a man for the amusement of your friends, being cruel is such a horrid trait and nobody else's son should suffer other people's insecurities.

12. Always offer to pay on a date, never take a drink from someone when you cannot buy it back, equality works two ways.

13. Be kind, you were brought up to be kind and that comes back to you.

14. If a man displays any kind of homophobia, racism or religious fervour... never bring him home to meet me and change your identity to get away from him if needs be.

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