Fringe day nine…

I have had enough rambling about venues, reviews, performances and all that other crap that makes me smile when I am bored. Here is the low-down. I am fucking so laughing at myself for even attempting to bring along nice clothes, high heel sandals, and fresh new make up. I have no time to wear anything other than last night’s knickers and eat salad that is leaking out of a plastic bowl into my handbag that has left my purse smelling of coleslaw.
I run to The Assembly Rooms to perform my play -constantly stripping down to my tatty bra in front of a smiling gruff Mike Wilmot who balks every time.
He is in Rich Halls play Levelland and we share a dressing room, no matter how many times I try to time the tatty bra strip, poor Mike catches sight of my flabby belly and huge boobs…poor man must on stage traumatised.
I then manage to wipe off some of the sweat of playing a drug addict and rush down to the Underbelly whilst munching on a salad bowl from my dirty handbag (how nice is that?) then I get on stage and let Ashley take the piss out of me for a whole hour, she even drags me around that stage by the ankles!
I then run outside, grab a fag and munch more salad or even lick the side of my purse as it has some coleslaw on it and run upstairs to the Underbelly and perform my show Janey Godley’s Blog Live!
Then I drag my sad smelly sweat stained ass, yesterdays knickers, coleslaw smeared face and run home to finally shower and promise myself a clean pair of knickers for tomorrow. Then I may run off and do late night gigs, eyes hollow, make up gone and a strange mixture of salad and sweat STILL reeking off my clothes.
Where and when was I planning to wear a clean white linen dress and cork heeled wedges? Where was I going to find time to blow dry my hair?
You know what; I don’t even get to sleep properly -the noise from Fishmarkets Close is fucking un-bearable, people scream, gulls cry, all night long we have fucking tours- literally tours, murder tours ( I could fucking arrange that soon).
You know what? I LOVE IT….all of it.
I love being here, I love getting on stage – I love the smell….I am not sure about the stinky knickers, but if you see me running with tufty knotted hair, smelly arm pits and munching limp salad…smile and know that I am having a great time.

Fringe day eight….

I know I am a slacker, I have been neglecting me blog badly!

Last night on the way home from a gig up at Bristo Square Ashley and I came across the same wee drunk man who sits near our flat.
He is still saying “Arrgyaddacabbageyuklaucktjsfjh”

Fuck knows what it means.

Ashley went through to Uni yesterday to sit an exam, so if you see her give her a hug, she deserves it.

I was reading in the news all about the new threat of liquid bombs on flights and wondered how long it will be before the scary ANGRY militant Muslims ( I say this as it is politically incorrect to say Muslims in general, and quite rightly so, but to be honest I should be allowed to say Angry Militant Muslims …though this also causes consternation, but I think we all know that it isn’t the ANTI-FUR brigade, because it isn’t them- strangely enough we have to all accept it is a crazy Muslim related group of people that are doing this shit, that’s not me being politically deviant I am just telling it how it is)
Anyway I wonder how long it will be before they start inserting exploding tampax into their bodies. That would be hard to find and easy to hide. I hope that hasn’t given anyone ideas.

I have a sore leg, because my daughter Ashley has written a new scene into the Sketch Show Square Street where she makes me break dance, well to be honest she just drags me around the stage by the ankle. I am so sore.

I have had great reviews for which I am grateful….five reviews, all of them FOUR stars except the Chortle review.

Mind you Steve is always the voice of reason and I respect that though I do wish he had reviewed my autobiography. He has had the book a year and it only has been released on paperback five days and already made it to the Sunday Times Top Ten Best Sellers!
Come on Steve….its becoming strange that you haven’t reviewed it- people will say we are in Love and you don’t want that rumour…it will kill your street cred! LOL

I am pissing myself laughing but with politeness at the Theatre Review from Broadway Baby…they gave me FOUR stars for my play Point of Yes, but the review said three times that I was discussing HEROINE as opposed to HEROIN!
Yes, my character is obsessed with Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale, fuck drugs, and get into women who braved the elements and disease!

Ashley and I had a great show at Moovers and Shakers, a variety bill at the big upside-down cow in Bristo Square. It was really cool to have a really big crowd laugh at the sketches, although Ashley did take the piss out of me continually and make sure everyone there saw my ‘flabby bingo wings’ …she is a bitch.

I have been getting great comments on my website guest book from fellow comics all supporting me and it really warms my soul to see so many people in this business actually send kind words to each other in this frantic madness of Edinburgh…so thanks to all who did.
I love that you took the time to go to my website….Karma will come right back at you in heaps, and boy! do you deserve that. XXX hugs and kisses!

Fringe day six…

I am appalled at my lack of socialising skills, every night I am in bed by 10pm!
Today I got up and had to go do a radio show about my Blog Live! Show which incidentally got FOUR STARS in the List! WOW!
That’s two sets of FOUR stars we had got since arriving, because Square Street the sketch show I do with my daughter also got a four star review!
The only down side of living off the High Street is the fucking noise…it is mental. Every night - people stumble past drunk, shouting loudly and EVERY night someone sits beneath our window and moans as if being beaten to death with a lead pipe. What the fuck is that about?
I now wear ear plugs to bed. That’s sad.
Husband is making me mental, he sits around half naked eating the contents of the fridge and complains about the strange hours we are keeping, the too-ing and fro-ing that Ashley and I get up to….what did he think was going to happen? I am doing THREE shows a day, I am not a normal person, if he wanted normal he should have married a housewife!
I reckon after 27 years of marriage, I should be allowed a day off to go have sex with my man of choice. Why can this NOT happen? Surely marriage should work on a points system …like Air-miles or a loyalty card? I get to be faithful and kind for so many years then I am allowed to fuck a stranger of my choice, or even like a supermarket system where I get two for the price of one? I want that to happen.

I must be grumpy in my old age; this morning as I stepped out of the shower, I heard my door being knocked. I wrapped a towel around me and opened the door to see fourteen young Korean girls all dressed exactly the same, with the same hair style and same round glasses. I thought for a horrified moment this was a strange Fringe show that went round the houses, knocking and performing!
“We are so solly” they all chimed.
“What the fuck is this?” I screamed at them, annoyed that I am dripping and cold at my door.
“You are not our teacher” One girl blurted out.
“No I am fucking not, now piss off and use your combined brains to work out which door to knock on and don’t come back here, I lash out at strangers” I snapped back.
I am cruel.

So the sun is out, the rain came on, and then the sun came back out…typical Edinburgh weather. I am off to relax.

Fringe day Five…

Sorry I went a day without blogging, I was so fucked up and busy you have no idea how mental it’s been. Ashley and I went on the wonderfully funny Paul Provenzas Talk of the Fest show.
It really is just a late night talk show that includes guest comics who talk about comedy from a ‘backstage’ premise yet in front of an audience. I wore a nice dress with dark tights but no knickers, as I hate wearing underwear and thick tights. I didn’t know that as I sat on the raised stage, stupidly opened my legs and had the strong stage lights shine up, that the film crew actually got a Basic Instinct shot! My cervix was probably on view! How embarrassing!
Ashley is still traumatised by the whole event and refuses to even talk about it, even funnily!
Tonight we had great fun on the sketch show, Ashley wrote a new sketch where she makes me break dance and grabs my ankles and spins me on the floor! That’s all I need…to be dragged around a manky floor in a fringe venue!
I love doing all three shows and have been getting early nights.
I am not really exhausted, I am just pacing myself.
I got really good news, my paperback book Handstands in the Dark has just went into the Sunday Times Top Ten best sellers list! How cool is that?
I am so proud and happy.

Day Four Fringe

Not exhausted yet! Everyone keeps asking me if I am tired, like I have cancer or something! Doing three shows a day is fun, I can’t imagine how lazy I was only doing one for the last two years….this is cool!
Well the reviews are coming in, one two star and one four star for the very same show both reviewers attended of Square Street!
Though I have to concede that both are correct…Mr Chortle Steve was appalled at the language and the piss taking and he should be.

“Yes, it's pretty obvious this is comedy unbothered by political correctness” he said and he is right, it does what it says on the flyer!
I did love the fact he said we got “Loud Guffaws” was great, thanks Steve.
Ashley is so loving the controversy that the show is causing and the press reports are in fact putting bums on seats.

Last night I had the lovely Mackenzie Crook and his adorable wife come to see my blog show, that was so nice to see a friendly face in the audience and they both seemed to enjoy the show. Am honoured! A real pirate of the Caribbean in my show made the night!
I did tell him all about Ashley being addicted to Puzzle Pirates on the web….both he and his wife pissed themselves when I told them Ashley stayed up all night because she lost a galleon on rough seas and managed to drop 40 doubloons between the hours of 2am and 4am…she really needs to get a man.
Ashley is studying hard just now as she has three Uni exams between shows next week.
I am not partying too much as I am old, I don’t play internet games as I get sex.

Was well chuffed to wake up today (Sunday) and see three big broadsheets covering all of our shows, one even had a nice big picture Duff publicity is the best!

Must go, am off to shout at a special needs person who gives CPR to a small sheep with a lazy eye (Square Street).

Fringe Day 3

I woke up in a cold sweat worried sick that my play The Point of Yes would completely fall out of my head just as the show opened today in Assembly Rooms yesterday. Husband walked me up to the venue, laughing at my shaky scared knees tremble, as I slipped and tripped over the evil cobble stones in Edinburgh. “You will be fine, you know the script” he laughed as he walked behind me.
I reached the High Street and saw the whole of the worlds press gathered outside Supreme Court ready for the verdict on the Tommy Sheridan Libel case that is being and fought there, the verdict was due. Tommy was taking the newspaper The News of the World to court over their allegations of him being involved with sex parties and threesomes (how unusual for a politician to get caught up in that shit eh?)
Anyway, shaky legs disappeared and I calmly walked up to the microphone and faced the barrage of cameras. I held up my flier and shouted out
“Ok everyone listen up… news of a threesome, I am doing three shows a day”
The journalists all laughed, and then I launched into some comedy.
“Janey do you think Tommy will win his case?” A man from ITN News shouted out.
“Yes, he is innocent all the way, I know him and he never tried to fuck me, so therefore they are all liars!” I quipped back.

The crowd cheered and I carried on doing my stuff. Policemen gathered round, court officials hung out of windows, camera men vied for better positions and I laughed my ass off at the thought of forty flyer’s standing on the Royal Mile, trying to get attention and here was a huge collection of the International Press waiting for a performer to arrive…that was me.

I told a few stories, plugged the shows, took a bow, enjoyed the applause and made my way to my opening of the play.

I stood backstage at the Assembly Room’s small theatre space and breathed slowly as I gathered my thoughts to get the script into my head. I heard the audience arrive, I heard them taking seats, I heard my intro music and stepped into the light.

It was great! I recalled the whole show and managed to get through it without fainting or forgetting huge chunks of script…everything went well!
Only two more shows to go.

After Point of Yes, I ran up to Bristo Square and Ashley and I did some stuff to camera for E4. Then we ran down to Underbelly and did the Square Street show. Again- all went well, Ashley and I sat with a nice journalist from
The Independent newspaper and chatted, he is interviewing me in the morning.

Fringe day two

Well last night Square Street opened. It is the sketch show that my daughter Ashley wrote and produced, and that we both perform.
Ashley has not performed comedy at Fringe since she had her own show at 13 years old and was worried that what she now finds funny- no one else would.
We had four reviewers in and a nice audience. I stood backstage with her and watched her face turn a puggled shade of yellow.
Then we went on stage and did the whole thing, some of the show has wee bits of improvised chats and I must admit i almost laughed aloud and I am not allowed to, but if you are standing as a mother to the side of a stage and hear you lovely big child describe anal sex for cash as an Aberdonian hooker who sings a jingle to her punter, then you cannot tell me that somewhere in that moment you are not allowed a giggle.


It reminded me of her standing in a stiff school uniform in that snooty private school aged five singing 'Pink Floyd's The Wall' to the school assembly welcome open parents day. How I laughed then...and now!

So first night over for Square Street.
The audience laughed aloud, I even saw the wonderful Mr Bennet sit there and giggle happily. I hope they all enjoyed it as much as we did...only another three weeks to go then!

So I then dashed off to show number two of that night. I did Janey Godley's Blog Live! To a nice house and a couple of more reviewers.
Today I start doing all three shows a day and i cannot wait.

The only down side is that my play The Point of Yes is at Assembly and that feels a wee bit far away for me and involves hills that need to be walked and I have already bashed my arms and tits on a pavement and suffered smoke inhalation from a car that burst into flames on the M8.

Next a tiger will escape from a zoo and bite my eye....

Fringe Day one

I woke up at 7am in Glasgow, decided I didn’t want to be in this business anymore and curled back under duvet. The warmth engulfed me and I went away on a happy dream about wee squirrels and singing shoe horns. Then woke up with a start and realised that I am going to be late for my run through of the play at Assembly. I managed to wash bits of me that would make me appear clean and ran for a train.

I fell asleep on the train, I got to the Assembly rooms, met my two techies (Yum Yum, have you seen these boys? Suddenly I am Joan Collins- what is wrong with me?)
Anyway, I stood on stage and completely forgot my script, then took a breath and it was there. All good.
I then called round to Clouds Accommodation, Mark had a flat all set up with internet and clean sheets and even drove me there in his silver Porsche...so I was happy, I am a princess.

My flat is the new building in Fishmarkets Close; it stands tall and looks into the archway of the Royal Mile. The sliding door windows are fabulous and the newness of the whole place appeals to me. I am really turning into a princess!
Ashley and I love it - her dad unpacked for us both and went off to get shopping done and we headed down to Underbelly to do the tech run of Square Street, the sketch show she wrote.

I keep laughing all the way through the sketches and I am sure I will not be able to do this right. I am not used to sharing a stage with anyone, let alone my crazy daughter.

Then as I was helping husband get out of a tight parking space by running round the car checking for him, my feet slipped on the rainy ground (I love rain after all that fucking heat) but I just tit slammed the concrete, I could feel my jumper pulled up and my boobs cold against the ground, I just lay there assessing the damage to me knee and palms.

Husband sat in the car with his head in his hands. I did get up and opened the car door and said quickly "Its Ok I am Ok"
"Janey, I was scared to look, please fucking stay on your feet, you have three shows a day and I had visions of you with a broken leg"

The UDDERbelly party in Bristo Square was cool, getting to catch up with all the comics and friends.

I am off to Glasgow again today to do the BBC Radio show 'Today Programme' then I come back to Edinburgh and we open with Square Street

Am Home and Mental…

Well, my last night in Barcelona was worth recalling forever. I went out for dinner with a few mates and ended up staying out all night partying. We all ended up staying out all night (not good for me I am 45 and easily fatigued!). Fun? Oh Yes!
I didn’t get back to the flat in Barcelona until 10am Monday morning. There was a lovely cute guy at the party who flirted all night with me, and I actually giggled…yes me giggling…can you imagine that? I don’t normally giggle!

I did the whole hair flicking, eyelash batting giggle…poor guy, alcohol makes you do crazy things. I did drink some, so me being me, I was tipsy at 1am.

I am a sucker for cute 25 year olds.

So sexy boy… if you are reading this, thanks for making an old woman’s night! Hope you get your eyesight back.

So I didn’t get any sleep whatsoever and had to get packed up to fly home.
Husband picked me up at the airport, took one look at me and said
“Crazy late night shenanigans Miss Godley?”
I merely dragged my bag into the car, smiled and sat there quietly. I was so tired; I almost fell asleep in the car.
Last night I slept from 7pm till 9am this morning, I am too old for flirting and late night parties…its official.

So today Ashley and I are getting ready to go to Edinburgh tomorrow. She is so well organised and all set, husband had a screaming fit at the amount of clothes we are taking (he does this EVERY year) I mean who doesn’t pack a ball gown and stiletto’s, you never know when you may need them? An impromptu ball may happen right in the middle of the festival and we may be the only two women prepared for such an event!
I have no idea what I am taking, I have so many clothes and stuff, I am taking two cases of clothes alone! When I did get so many tops?
Husband packs like that guys from 9 ½ weeks, Mickey O’Rourke’s character, five tops and trousers all in the same colour and shade, exactly same colour of underwear and socks, and tiny shaving bag. Minimalist beyond belief.
I am still tired but have to get ready for the whole carousel of press and performances that I am about to embark on. I am so fucking excited, three shows a day, plus odd appearances at late night comedy, chat shows and time to pee!
So I have to go back and find more clothes to shove into corners of my luggage, and be nice to husband.
He is worried that I will be so mental I will turn on him- but I have promised Ashley that I will not get stressed out and be nice. To be honest I will hardly see him due to my schedule- I will be kind though, he didn’t expect to be travelling in the Godley Family Circus when he married me 27 years ago. Fuck knows what he thinks of y life now; he just gets dragged along on the tide of madness that my existence has become.
Guess what?
My auto biography ‘Handstands in the Dark’ has just come out in paper-back! I signed some copies in WH Smiths today; it was awesome to see it on the shelves, that buzz never dies, let me tell you. To walk into an airport shop or book store and see your book there on the shelf is just so amazing.
So everyone reading…hang onto your hats, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
I am about to hit Edinburgh and do the shows, one show is called Janey Godley’s Blog Live! It’s all about this blog and I will keep it up despite the mental work load. Keep watching – keep emailing me- keep me company….I need you!