The Difference is Clear

My mammy Annie was a wee Glasgow working class woman, with a lot of poverty and addiction problems. My problems today seem insurmountable so I thought I would compare them to my mothers in the 60s/70s/80s

Janey 2015. I couldn't get my new Iphone to work today and was utterly distraught, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Annie 1960. Am pregnant again and the three I have got are making me insane, never mind Valium has been invented and so has the Pill.

Janey 2015. I am too tired to wash my hair to do comedy for 20 minutes for a good wage.

Annie 1967. I am exhausted the four kids have chicken pox....mmmm Valium is good, I feel shaky without it but have to do a 12 hours shift in the box making factory.

Janey 2015. My husband is crap at hanging up the washing and I wish he heated the car before he drove me to work.

Annie 1968. My husband is drunk again, no wages and the doctor won't give me more Valium, we may have to borrow a can of soup off my neighbour and share it between the kids.

Janey 2015. I can't be arsed trying to figure out what to wear tonight and with what shoes?

Annie 1968. The kids have all grown out of or destroyed their one pair of shoes each, I will have to shove lino inside them to cover up the holes. I will wear wellington ankle boots till next pay day.

Janey 2015. Some guy was really sexist on facebook today, I want him barred off facebook.

Annie 1969. The boss at work felt my breasts again, better not say anything in case my husband gets annoyed or I get sacked. Just try and cover my boobs up more, my own stupid fault.

Janey 2015. My new laptop arrived, how do I work this, it takes so long to set it up.

Annie 1970. The electricity has been disconnected, I never paid it...am feeling really bad about the amount of Valium am taking, but it helps me block it all out.

Janey 2015. I need to check my bank account online.

Annie 1971. I need to beg money from my family, the kids need new school uniforms.

Janey 2015. Bloody Itunes gave me U2 whether I wanted it or not I hate U2.

Annie 1980. I hate U2 what happened to music?

Janey 2015. Might go a wee holiday this year.

Annie 1892. My new boyfriend is scaring me.

Annie Currie died in 1982 at the hands of her boyfriend.

Janey 2015. I miss my mammy.

The Bay City Rollers and Me

Picture the scene, it's 1975 and the girls are in the old school outdoor Victorian toilets standing beside the big radiators rubbing their hands for a smidgeon of heat and I walk in.I budge people up for some warmth on the thick painted cast iron that gives out a dull heat.

Someone shouted "The Bay City Rollers are coming to Glasgow".

I was stunned, I loved them! I wanted to go and see them. They were HUGE, everyone I know LOVED them. 

 "My dad got me two tickets and then we are going to The Albany Hotel to meet them" said this girl I knew called Donna.  

Everyone was excited at her news.

I piped up "I love them, I might go".

Donna flicked back her long hair, stared at me and laughed as she pushed me off the radiator and yelled "You can't even afford the school dinners, you eat out of bins Currie" and all her pals giggled and shoved me on the way out of the toilets. I blinked back tears. 

I hated her, she had everything I wanted like ...boobs, shiny long straight blonde hair and really fashionable clothes. I fucking hated her.

I was small, flat chested and had hair so curly and densely thick that no matter what style you got it cut, it went back to its original thicket of black matted wool. Who I am kidding? It was never professionally styled and cut, my mammy trimmed it regularly with the giant wallpaper scissors. 

How could a Bay City Roller ever fall in love with a child-like boyish girl with mismanaged hair and cardboard to block up the holes in her shoes?

I gripped the radiator hard and listened as the others all talked about getting tickets and making plans. I left the toilet with that horrible acceptance that I would never get the money to go. 

Life could be shit in 1975 for us poor ones.

Today I was introduced to Les McKeown from Bay City Rollers at a charity event "This is Janey Godley, she is great stand up comic" the very generous woman said as she nodded to Les. He shook my hand and said "Yea, I have seen your stuff, you are right funny, hiya"

That wee girl standing beside the radiator in 1975 with wet socks wishing she had boobs, untangled hair and the money for a Bay City Rollers ticket finally smiled. 

Fuck you Donna, where ever you are.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 206

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 206 of Janey Godley's podcast the comedy mother and daughter get into all things World Cup. As an official twitter pundit Ashley has plenty to say. Biting footballers, abject poverty and the shame of England as they come home early.


The chat about comedy at Edinburgh Fringe and discuss weird stories from around the globe. Janey does her now infamous Horrorscope.


Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.


Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 206


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If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto our Donate Page and donate via PayPal or like us on Facebook or by signing up to Dropbox, it’s free to use! And you will always have your stuff when you need it with @Dropbox!


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You can check out all our videos on: YouTube


Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook


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We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

A Christmas Shelter

"Mammy, look there's Santa" the wee girl said as she stared at the big tinsel dressed window. One mitten fell off her hand and she struggled between the leather clad shoes and big boots to pick it up, a red mitten trampled into the slush and snow, her wee white fingers snatched it up and shook it fiercely, 'don't let mammy know it's wet' she thought, mammy is sad today. Her mother was busy trying to push the big pram with William wrapped up inside, through the crushing city centre, full of people with boxes, and bags all getting ready for Christmas day. Wee Julia wanted to run up to Lewis's window and take in all the colours, look at the dancing toys, the Tippy Tumble dolls, the Hula Hoops the lights, but she knew her mammy was upset and in a hurry to go somewhere.


"Come on Julia" her mammy shouted as the wheels of the big pram slid and slipped through the dirty slushy snow that had been churned by the many Glaswegians who flocked to the city centre to get their shopping done. The lights in the city were fascinating to Julia, the red and green flashes glinting off the chrome suspension of the pram as she gripped on tight with a damp red mitten. "Where are we going mammy?" Julia asked...secretly hoping her mammy would say 'Santa, we are going to see him and let you sit on his knee and get William a big car and a doll for you' but she knew that wasn't what was happening.


Last week when her daddy never came home and the women up the same close gathered round and hugged mammy and made her tea, she knew something bad was happening. In her stomach there was that tight feeling, it was the same feeling when she wet the bed in the night, a slow scary feeling of life draining away. It was her 'daddy and the drinking' she heard Mrs Woods say so, and mammy just sat there with William on her knee. Mrs Woods let Julia into her house to see the American man land on the moon in the summer time, she was a nice woman who made big dumplings and gave them to mammy, now she was holding mammy as she cried. Maybe daddy wasn't coming home this time, he promised her a budgie from Santa. Would she still get a budgie?


"Can you move the pram please" an angry red faced woman shouted at Julia's mum as they tried to cross the road at the bottom of Argyle Street. Julia's mum grabbed her mitten hand and tried to get the big pram across the busy road but all the blankets and bags underneath and on top were making it hard to push in the snow. Julia was scared of the busy traffic.


After what felt like hours, they made their way right up into the West End of Glasgow with the snow slashing into them sideways. Julia vaguely recognised the streets, she remembered her Granny McClure lived up here, she was her daddy's mammy and had a big front door house with a garden. She was scared of her Granny McClure, she wasn't like Mrs Woods who hugged and kissed you and let you pet her wee dog Prince. Granny was skinny, angry and wore fancy shoes that made loud clacking noises on the tiled kitchen floor where she seemed to keep Julia and William sat when they came to visit. Julia hadn't seen the rest of the house but she knew it smelled of floor polish.


Julia's mum bumped the big pram up the five white washed stairs at the front of the house, the two white columns that stood either side of the broad mahogany door were entwined in thick vicious looking holly leaves and a tall tree twinkled in the big bay window. "Look mammy, a big tree!" Julia clapped her damp mittens in excitement, but her mammy was too busy trying to keep the bundles of clothes from falling out of the pram.


Julia bit on her wet mittens as she watched her mammy fix her brown coat and quickly drag a hair grip into the side of head where the brown curls escaped, her mammy had beautiful curly hair, but it looked messy and damp today.


Her mammy lifted the door knocker and rapped on the door. Julia felt scared, she didn't know why, but her mammy's nervousness was spreading to her, why was her mammy worried?


At that moment William screamed and tried to sit up, but the bundles of clothes seemed to be suffocating him. Julia's mammy quickly pulled them off the top of the pram and eased the fat faced baby up into a sitting position as the door was flung open wide.


A formidable thin woman in a pink two piece cardigan set and calf length tweed skirt stood staring at them. Her hair was set in tight curls and her glasses were perched on her sharp nose.


"You need to call me before you visit Eileen, I have the church ladies round for tea" the woman spoke with a hint of venom as she quickly looked over her shoulder and stepped outside and closed the door behind her.


"Donald has left me and the kids are hungry Elizabeth, he is your son and these are your own grand children, we have nowhere to go and he spent the last of his wages on the drink, we have been evicted" Julia's mammy said quickly but with more conviction Julia had ever seen her use when she spoke to Granny McClure. Julia stared up at her granny and smiled, she reached out one damp mitten, took the woman's hand and said "can I see your big tree Granny?"


The thin woman recoiled and shook off Julia's hand and hissed " You listen to me Eileen, I told him not to marry you and get involved in your drunken Irish family, this is not my problem, Donald is up in Inverness now staying with my sister, he deserves a better start in life, go back to Donegal and find your own kind" and with that she slammed the door.


Eileen, Julia and William walked through the streets of Glasgow until night time came. The Christmas lights twinkled down and the people spilled out of pubs and folk were heading home to their warm hearths. Julia watched her mammy make some phone calls from the big train station in Glasgow and finally sit down on the benches and wrap both her and William up in the blankets. Julia climbed into the pram with her brother and even though she was too big, they cuddled up together.


Eileen sat homeless and cold in Central Station that night, and as the Salvation Army played Christmas carols to the people thronging back and forth, she pulled her brown coat around her body and pulled out the dumplings wrapped in greaseproof paper to feed the kids in the pram.


"Excuse me, you can't sleep here with your pram missus" the policeman said. Eileen blinked and slowly pulled herself to her feet and quickly grabbed her bags "sorry sir" she muttered and pushed the pram back out of the cavernous train station and its shelter from the driving snow.


"Hang on" he said as she tried hard to stop the pram from slipping from her grip into the main road.


Eileen didn't want to hang on, she knew full well a homeless Irish woman with two kids would only get the authorities onto her case and take her precious babies away. She skittered and slipped and tried to make off with as much grace and speed with a lumbering pram. The police man put his hand on her shoulder and Eileen froze, she wept silently and turned to face him.


The next thing Julia recalled she was in a bus in the early frozen morning light. She must have slept all night in the pram.


"Where are we mammy?" she asked as the bus bumped along and cut through the frozen countryside. Julia sat up and looked hard for red mittens in her wee duffel coat. William was sitting on her mammy's lap and eating a big slice of cold ham. Her mammy's face wasn't as tight and pinched, in fact her mammy looked happy for the first time in ages and was smiling at Julia. "We will be going on a big boat to Ireland and you are going to meet your Granny Coyle, she will be so happy to see you both."


"Does she have a big tree like Granny McClure?" Julia asked.


Her mammy smiled and hugged her close, she put William over her shoulder and patted his back and stared across the snow covered fields near the ferry terminal.


It was a frozen night in Glasgow on December 2013, the young woman with brown curly hair pulled on her red mittens as she wrapped a big coat round her and crunched into the frozen snow and headed towards the West End. Her friends waved her off and made promises to meet up later at The University Cafe on the Byres Road. The snow came at her sideways but her strong legs kept her going.


She walked up to the big brown door and smiled at the glittering tinsel covering the white portico and heard footsteps in the hallway as she banged on the door knocker. It was all newly painted, just renovated and ready for the coldest season.

A wee elderly woman with curly hair and soft round cheeks opened the door holding a plate of steaming dumpling.


"Granny Eileen, am here to help out." The young woman said as her granny pulled her in the warm hallway "We've got a full house tonight Maggie, lots of people needing a hot meal and a warm bed." the old woman said indicating the bustling sitting room and crowded dining room either side of her.


"Can I see the big tree first Granny?" Young Maggie asked, her face lighting up just as her mothers had done all those years ago, her Mitten covered had reaching out to her hard working Grandmother.


"Through in the big room, I've left the angel for you... away up that ladder and stick it on." Eileen said smiling, as she watched her tall granddaughter bounce, all long limbs and a daft grin, through the crowd of strangers to put the angel on the top of the tree.


Eileen turned wistfully to a brass plaque and pulled a duster from the waist of her apron, she rubbed the lettering carefully and couldn't help the small devious chuckle that emitted from her lips:
The Elizabeth McClure Homeless shelter, in honour of a Christian woman


"Merry Christmas you old cow." Eileen uttered before clearing her throat and turning back to her house full of 'guests' "Right who wants dumplings?" she called before heading back to the kitchen.


So thanks for reading, if you want follow me on twitter @JaneyGodley for updates and daily shenanigans.


Please help the homeless this Christmas, many children in Glasgow spend the season in temporary accommodation, click the link and help them this year http://scotland.shelter.org.uk/  
 

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 170

 

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

 

In episode 170 of Janey Godley's podcast with comedian Ashley Storrie the mother and daughter comedy duo discuss Ashley's creepy quotes as a kid, the rise in Food Bank users in UK and the latest ATOS rules.
 

Ashley tells us about an innovative school teacher from the 60s and Janey talks about her shameful moment of dropping her trousers in the street. The news about Jimmy Savile's most recent police transcripts is discussed.


Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.


Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 170


If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal or like us on Facebook


For more information on how you can help Matthew McVarish visit The Road to Change website.


Check out our Brad Pitt Style Perfume Advert


Click Here To see the art of Hannah Stone.


Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording: Here


Check out: The saga of Tim and Freya


You can check out all our videos on: YouTube


Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook


Please rate us or leave a comment on: PodOmatic, ITunes


You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!


We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 167

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 167 of Janey Godley's podcast with comedian Ashley Storrie, the comedy mother and daughter duo discuss the events of their week. Ashley talks about her grandad who almost electrified himself.

They both debate the Emmy Award snub to Jack Klugman and Larry Hagman, the talk about Scottish politics and Ashley's aversion to Aspartame. Janey tells a story about her favourite teacher Mr Burgess and reads from her teenage diary.

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 167

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal.

Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording Here

Check out some fashion tips from Fetuccini Spencer

Check out The saga of Tim and Freya

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

I hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

  

My Father's Day

Sunday will come and go and I will miss father's day as am off to London. So here is my tribute to my dad, don't worry he is still alive and kicking at 80 years old.

My daddy used to carry me over seaweed at beach holidays as I was utterly petrified of the seething bubbly alien mass covered in blue bottles. It was basically moving and buzzing embedded in the sand and the thought of standing on dirty flies scared me to death, so he would lift me up all the way down to the water.

Then as I saw the roaring ocean, I would need the toilet and he would carry me all the way back up the beach to do a pee, as I cried behind a big stone, convinced a blue bottle would come near my bare bum.

He had three other older kids to tend to, but he had to devote this entire time to me, probably worried sick his other kids were drowning.

That's my dad.

In the early 60s before anyone else had one, my daddy made me a skateboard. Yes, an actual skateboard with roller skate wheels attached to the bottom. I managed to stand on it, roll down a hill crashed into a parked lorry and smashed my two front teeth into my upper lip.

We had no car in inner city Glasgow, so he ran all the way to the doctors with me in his arms, spewing blood and teeth. He worked in a steel factory, five days a week, so this must have been his day off.

My dad could repair television's and radio's and even built a whole stereo system way before it's time and he taught me how to solder circuit boards.

One summer's day as he lay in bed off the night shift, 30 kids in our street played rounder's and a stray dog attacked me, biting into my flesh, my dad identified my scream from all the other kids. He leapt from his bed and ran with my bleeding hand to the doctors, I am sure you recognise a recurring theme here.

One winter night I was crossing the road to the church going to the Brownie's for my road safety badge, and yes....you guessed it, I got knocked down with a car.....my dad arrived on the scene and promptly attacked the speeding driver and sat in an ambulance with both me and the man he beat up for hitting his daughter with a car. He kept slapping the driver, all the way to the hospital. That's my dad.

My dad left my mum when I was 12 years old and every weekend he met me off the bus to give me money and share a supper. He reminded me how much he loved me and missed me.

The day my mother was found dead in the River Clyde my dad sat in my house and held me for hours as I sat in shock.

My dad walked the length of a hospital corridor the night I gave birth and cried out loud as the labour went onto for 48 hours or more. When he saw his granddaughter with her tufts of dark hair, he tenderly lifted her up and whispered "why did you take so long for me to hold you?".

When my daughter was ten she went missing after going to the shops and we had to call the police. You can imagine the terror and shock this caused.

For four hours she was in a new friend's garden in the West End of Glasgow oblivious to the trouble she had caused, and playing on a bike. My dad ran up and down the Byres Rd with a photo of Ashley, stopping everyone and asking them to look at the picture. The police didn't find Ashley, my dad did. She walked out of a garden and into his arms, wondering why her granddad was running about with a photo of her. He bought her a bike.

My dad sat in a court in 1996 and watched me give evidence against a man who sexually abused me as a kid, he wept buckets throughout the whole ordeal.  He stood outside the court room and waited for me as I walked out of the witness box and he apologised for not protecting me from this man who was his brother in law.

 He told me he was so proud of me for standing up there and telling the truth and being brave. I assured him he didn't need to apologise to me, that he was a great dad and I was proud of him.

The court officials all stood back as we both wept.

I hugged him tight and he whispered to me "want to leave here, go to the beach? Don't worry I will carry you over the seaweed"

Happy Father's Day Daddy.

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 132

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

 

In episode 132 of Janey Godley's podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo discuss Prince Harry's killing time in Afghanistan, the plight of gamblers amongst the poorest in the UK and their experience shopping in 'hip shops'.

 

Ashley and Janey have a ukulele music competition which is a challenge to everyone who hears it and Janey does her 'one word ' guess the comic game. Ashley has weird and wonderful stories from around the globe.

 

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

 

 

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 132

 

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal.

 

Check out our new Brad Pitt style perfume advert

 

Click here to see the art of Hannah Stone

 

Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording here.

 

Check out The saga of Tim and Freya

 

You can check out all our videos on YouTube

 

Order “Handstands in the Dark” Paper Back or in EBook

 

Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook

 

You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!

 

We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.