A Christmas Shelter

"Mammy, look there's Santa" the wee girl said as she stared at the big tinsel dressed window. One mitten fell off her hand and she struggled between the leather clad shoes and big boots to pick it up, a red mitten trampled into the slush and snow, her wee white fingers snatched it up and shook it fiercely, 'don't let mammy know it's wet' she thought, mammy is sad today. Her mother was busy trying to push the big pram with William wrapped up inside, through the crushing city centre, full of people with boxes, and bags all getting ready for Christmas day. Wee Julia wanted to run up to Lewis's window and take in all the colours, look at the dancing toys, the Tippy Tumble dolls, the Hula Hoops the lights, but she knew her mammy was upset and in a hurry to go somewhere.


"Come on Julia" her mammy shouted as the wheels of the big pram slid and slipped through the dirty slushy snow that had been churned by the many Glaswegians who flocked to the city centre to get their shopping done. The lights in the city were fascinating to Julia, the red and green flashes glinting off the chrome suspension of the pram as she gripped on tight with a damp red mitten. "Where are we going mammy?" Julia asked...secretly hoping her mammy would say 'Santa, we are going to see him and let you sit on his knee and get William a big car and a doll for you' but she knew that wasn't what was happening.


Last week when her daddy never came home and the women up the same close gathered round and hugged mammy and made her tea, she knew something bad was happening. In her stomach there was that tight feeling, it was the same feeling when she wet the bed in the night, a slow scary feeling of life draining away. It was her 'daddy and the drinking' she heard Mrs Woods say so, and mammy just sat there with William on her knee. Mrs Woods let Julia into her house to see the American man land on the moon in the summer time, she was a nice woman who made big dumplings and gave them to mammy, now she was holding mammy as she cried. Maybe daddy wasn't coming home this time, he promised her a budgie from Santa. Would she still get a budgie?


"Can you move the pram please" an angry red faced woman shouted at Julia's mum as they tried to cross the road at the bottom of Argyle Street. Julia's mum grabbed her mitten hand and tried to get the big pram across the busy road but all the blankets and bags underneath and on top were making it hard to push in the snow. Julia was scared of the busy traffic.


After what felt like hours, they made their way right up into the West End of Glasgow with the snow slashing into them sideways. Julia vaguely recognised the streets, she remembered her Granny McClure lived up here, she was her daddy's mammy and had a big front door house with a garden. She was scared of her Granny McClure, she wasn't like Mrs Woods who hugged and kissed you and let you pet her wee dog Prince. Granny was skinny, angry and wore fancy shoes that made loud clacking noises on the tiled kitchen floor where she seemed to keep Julia and William sat when they came to visit. Julia hadn't seen the rest of the house but she knew it smelled of floor polish.


Julia's mum bumped the big pram up the five white washed stairs at the front of the house, the two white columns that stood either side of the broad mahogany door were entwined in thick vicious looking holly leaves and a tall tree twinkled in the big bay window. "Look mammy, a big tree!" Julia clapped her damp mittens in excitement, but her mammy was too busy trying to keep the bundles of clothes from falling out of the pram.


Julia bit on her wet mittens as she watched her mammy fix her brown coat and quickly drag a hair grip into the side of head where the brown curls escaped, her mammy had beautiful curly hair, but it looked messy and damp today.


Her mammy lifted the door knocker and rapped on the door. Julia felt scared, she didn't know why, but her mammy's nervousness was spreading to her, why was her mammy worried?


At that moment William screamed and tried to sit up, but the bundles of clothes seemed to be suffocating him. Julia's mammy quickly pulled them off the top of the pram and eased the fat faced baby up into a sitting position as the door was flung open wide.


A formidable thin woman in a pink two piece cardigan set and calf length tweed skirt stood staring at them. Her hair was set in tight curls and her glasses were perched on her sharp nose.


"You need to call me before you visit Eileen, I have the church ladies round for tea" the woman spoke with a hint of venom as she quickly looked over her shoulder and stepped outside and closed the door behind her.


"Donald has left me and the kids are hungry Elizabeth, he is your son and these are your own grand children, we have nowhere to go and he spent the last of his wages on the drink, we have been evicted" Julia's mammy said quickly but with more conviction Julia had ever seen her use when she spoke to Granny McClure. Julia stared up at her granny and smiled, she reached out one damp mitten, took the woman's hand and said "can I see your big tree Granny?"


The thin woman recoiled and shook off Julia's hand and hissed " You listen to me Eileen, I told him not to marry you and get involved in your drunken Irish family, this is not my problem, Donald is up in Inverness now staying with my sister, he deserves a better start in life, go back to Donegal and find your own kind" and with that she slammed the door.


Eileen, Julia and William walked through the streets of Glasgow until night time came. The Christmas lights twinkled down and the people spilled out of pubs and folk were heading home to their warm hearths. Julia watched her mammy make some phone calls from the big train station in Glasgow and finally sit down on the benches and wrap both her and William up in the blankets. Julia climbed into the pram with her brother and even though she was too big, they cuddled up together.


Eileen sat homeless and cold in Central Station that night, and as the Salvation Army played Christmas carols to the people thronging back and forth, she pulled her brown coat around her body and pulled out the dumplings wrapped in greaseproof paper to feed the kids in the pram.


"Excuse me, you can't sleep here with your pram missus" the policeman said. Eileen blinked and slowly pulled herself to her feet and quickly grabbed her bags "sorry sir" she muttered and pushed the pram back out of the cavernous train station and its shelter from the driving snow.


"Hang on" he said as she tried hard to stop the pram from slipping from her grip into the main road.


Eileen didn't want to hang on, she knew full well a homeless Irish woman with two kids would only get the authorities onto her case and take her precious babies away. She skittered and slipped and tried to make off with as much grace and speed with a lumbering pram. The police man put his hand on her shoulder and Eileen froze, she wept silently and turned to face him.


The next thing Julia recalled she was in a bus in the early frozen morning light. She must have slept all night in the pram.


"Where are we mammy?" she asked as the bus bumped along and cut through the frozen countryside. Julia sat up and looked hard for red mittens in her wee duffel coat. William was sitting on her mammy's lap and eating a big slice of cold ham. Her mammy's face wasn't as tight and pinched, in fact her mammy looked happy for the first time in ages and was smiling at Julia. "We will be going on a big boat to Ireland and you are going to meet your Granny Coyle, she will be so happy to see you both."


"Does she have a big tree like Granny McClure?" Julia asked.


Her mammy smiled and hugged her close, she put William over her shoulder and patted his back and stared across the snow covered fields near the ferry terminal.


It was a frozen night in Glasgow on December 2013, the young woman with brown curly hair pulled on her red mittens as she wrapped a big coat round her and crunched into the frozen snow and headed towards the West End. Her friends waved her off and made promises to meet up later at The University Cafe on the Byres Road. The snow came at her sideways but her strong legs kept her going.


She walked up to the big brown door and smiled at the glittering tinsel covering the white portico and heard footsteps in the hallway as she banged on the door knocker. It was all newly painted, just renovated and ready for the coldest season.

A wee elderly woman with curly hair and soft round cheeks opened the door holding a plate of steaming dumpling.


"Granny Eileen, am here to help out." The young woman said as her granny pulled her in the warm hallway "We've got a full house tonight Maggie, lots of people needing a hot meal and a warm bed." the old woman said indicating the bustling sitting room and crowded dining room either side of her.


"Can I see the big tree first Granny?" Young Maggie asked, her face lighting up just as her mothers had done all those years ago, her Mitten covered had reaching out to her hard working Grandmother.


"Through in the big room, I've left the angel for you... away up that ladder and stick it on." Eileen said smiling, as she watched her tall granddaughter bounce, all long limbs and a daft grin, through the crowd of strangers to put the angel on the top of the tree.


Eileen turned wistfully to a brass plaque and pulled a duster from the waist of her apron, she rubbed the lettering carefully and couldn't help the small devious chuckle that emitted from her lips:
The Elizabeth McClure Homeless shelter, in honour of a Christian woman


"Merry Christmas you old cow." Eileen uttered before clearing her throat and turning back to her house full of 'guests' "Right who wants dumplings?" she called before heading back to the kitchen.


So thanks for reading, if you want follow me on twitter @JaneyGodley for updates and daily shenanigans.


Please help the homeless this Christmas, many children in Glasgow spend the season in temporary accommodation, click the link and help them this year http://scotland.shelter.org.uk/  
 

Janey Godley’s Podcast Episode 137

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

 

In episode 137 of Janey Godley's podcast the mother and daughter comedy duo let rip about religion, the bedroom tax and police who deny women the right to press rape charges.

 

Ashley explains her hatred for the woman on Edwardian Farm TV show and how Oprah isn't as generous as first believed. Janey talks about the charity night coming up for Talk Now the charity she is a patron of. They also discuss their current podcast advert on RealXS radio in Scotland.

 

Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.

 

 

Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 137

 

If you would like to support our podcast then please do so by clicking onto Our Donate Page and donate via PayPal or like us on Facebook

 

Check out our new Brad Pitt style perfume advert

 

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Get your copy of Molly Wobbly’s Tit factory, live cast recording here.

 

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We hope you enjoy our Podcasts it would be great if you would pass it on, thanks Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being Bullied By A Kids Charity Online

Employees use Registered Charities Twitter account to Bully.



(I deleted this earlier but read again as there are further kinks to this story especially at the end)


Last week I got into a robust twitter debate with a woman from http://www.mckeeconsultants.co.uk/  who specialise in diversity and equality. Anyway the lady online persistently demand that as she is a feminist she was entitled to know on why I openly use the word ‘cunt’ online. I told her that I didn't need to explain myself to her nor anyone and refused to justify my language. I then expressed how ironic it was that a feminist was demanding a woman explain her words. I refused to explain my motives to her and will always do so, as I don’t believe I should have to explain my vocabulary to anyone.


My twitter profile says “The most outspoken female stand up in Britain” (Daily Telegraph). I cannot give you the timeline of McKee Consultant’s tweets as she deleted the entire argument (such was her commitment to her own words), though I do have a screengrab of them. In the middle of this twitter debate a person from the charity Sky Project in Kilmarnock (they recently asked me to be a patron to their kids charity) added to the debate by saying  “You are a patron of our children’s charity. Would you say these words to our young people?”


I responded to Sky Project by saying something along the lines of “I don’t think coming online to question my motives is professional and I can always un-patron” I couldn’t understand why suddenly a charity I have been dealing with got into this twitter debate of the word ‘cunt’.


Firstly I felt Sky Project were questioning my ability to work with kids because I say ‘cunt’ (I have never put myself up as a child role model THEY asked me to be patron) and secondly why are they getting involved? Then I quickly realised that McKee Consultants and Sky Project are friends and contact each other regularly. Fine- I thought, she is sticking up for her pal McKee and now she has lost me as a patron. That’s what happens when you use a charity’s registered twitter feed to have a go at people, no big deal.


I opened my twitter a day later and there was a tweet from a children charity Hill House Care http://www.hillhousecare.org/ that said “Calling yourself a comedienne is an insult to all things funny, Call yourself a children’s role model? Hope not”


Now I was stunned, I genuinely don’t mind people calling me crap and unfunny, it happens a lot to be honest on twitter but for a registered charity to come online with this unprovoked attack annoyed me. Yet again it mentioned my ‘children’s role model’ (which I am not) and so a very short blast of past tweets revealed yet again that McKee Consultants, Sky Project and Hill House Care were all linked together and friends on and offline.


Then @hillhousecare1 deleted the offending tweet and sometime later spouted stuff about freedom of speech and then deleted that as well! (See a pattern emerging? Offensive tweets- delete-delete?) So there we have it, I got into a debate over the word cunt with a woman and her mates waded in under the guise of the charities they work for and had a go at me. My online friends all took exception to the tweets and many complained to Hill House Care and some of them were pretty verbal about a charity being used to slag me off.


So then Hill House Care and McKee consultants both claimed cyber bullying. (Sky Project who may have a more clever person working their social media apologised and backed off). To date Hill House Care has never apologised and both they and Mckee Consultants have deleted their tweets regarding me. Yes they did that old nugget of the passive/aggressive world of “we got into an argument, lost it and now claim aggression in our direction” how professional?


Again at this point I’d like to re-iterate that my anger is at the charities public accounts being used to insult me, not the insult itself. In terms of insults I’ve been called a lot worse… but never by an anonymous person hiding behind the guise of a children’s charity.


So the upshot is, I feel bullied by a children’s charity! I have written to Hill House Care and want their board of directors contact details as I believe the person reading my complaint might be the actual tweeter- so the best way to get to the bottom is to let the charity commission know that a charity is using its status to have a go at people.


By the way- Hill House Care claim on their website to be ‘Non Judgemental” and McKee Consutlants claim to promote “equality and diversity” I have NEVER claimed to be a child’s role model.


So after I posted this blog today I got an email from Mckee Consultants and apologising – which I accepted and I accepted the apology from The Sky project- as of yet I haven’t had an apology from the person who actually tweeted from Hill house care. The tweets all came from a mother, a sister and a daughter in the same family.


After I deleted the blog to let the dust settle on the issue I got an email from a journalist and school teacher called Douglas Bane who sent me an email titled “Scottish comedian forces children's charity to close because they said she wasn't funny”.


He went on to do a hatchet job on my character BUT went onto paint the women who wrote the tweets in such a naive, innocent way and it emerges I am the woman who is singlehandedly getting the charity shut down- in fact he makes it seem, it was always my sole intention- here is an excerpt of his email about me- the one he intends to get published.


"The attempt to smooth ruffled feathers came too late. By this time some of Janey’s followers had taken up the story and were spreading her “horrific personal abuse” version.


Unaware of the full story and unwilling to trawl through the archives, two board members of the second charity, resigned at the weekend. The Scottish Council for Voluntary Organisations withdrew its support. Prospective funders have pulled out. As I said, Janey has influence"


Now I have never contacted anyone regards getting the funding cut and those who know me, know this would hurt my soul.


So I sent a statement to the journalist who strangely gave me the offer to change the end of the story and the headline to "Janey Godley steps in to save struggling children's charity"


So I spoke to the woman from The Sky Project who in fact is the least of all offenders in this weird story, she apologised last week after her slightly hurtful tweet and it turns out she knows Douglas Bane the journalist and in fact they used to be in a relationship together.


She asked him to ‘help’ and his way of helping was to threaten me with a rotten unbalanced article about me. He is also a physics teacher and works in education!


I feel his part in this was to put the ‘frighteners’ on me and hope that I would back down and delete my blog. Well Douglas you obviously don’t know me well enough and if anyone else in the press wants to pick up on this wee debacle of story do let me know. BTW I am still getting emails accusing me of trying to 'break people' instead of 'letting this go'. They somehow have become the victims and I am the bad witch.


Sometimes the word cunt doesn’t quite get across what I mean today.

Take me from behind

“Just grab the rope and make it look like you are dragging the chef’s with you” the photographer shouted. One chef shouted over the photographers voice “It looks like we are all taking you from behind” that made me laugh as I looked round and had a bunch of men and one woman behind me in a uncomfortable clutch, who were almost on top of me.

I was doing a photo shoot for Action for Children where I apparently kidnapped chefs in Edinburgh and dragged them to the City Chambers and held them hostage. To be honest if I was going to kidnap a bunch of men and hold them in a room, the last people I would take are chefs. They are all a bunch of needy egotistical nutters who claim what they do is art....much like comedians to be honest. If I had a choice I would kidnap feeble minded sexy male models, which were easily swayed with glittery objects.

Mind you the chef guys were lovely and very loud and on the phones demanding people give them money to secure their release and we ended up raising over four thousand pounds for charity. This was awesome all round- so well done people!

Been gigging around the place, had a great show last night at Glasgow Jongleurs where a man came up after the show and said “My wife screamed with laughter, she normally hates female comics and was annoyed that a woman was closing the show as as they are all about the fanny, fat and food jokes. We saw a few shit women comics lately onstage and on TV but she loved you”

I stared at the guy and wanted to bite his face. I don’t want to hear that, so women come to comedy gigs and if they hate women comics but are willing to give them a wee chance – that makes them generous? Men don’t get judged if other men had bombed onstage, men get heaps of chances. But one woman is duff onstage and that’s it...all women are shit comics? Go fuck yourself lady I want the laughter back that I gave you!

I am not going into that debate again, we all know how I feel about the plight of the female comic but fucksake I have talked it to death.

Just as I was leaving the club a guy said “We don’t expect a woman to be the headline act amongst the men but you were good” I stared at him smiled and said “Am not a comedian am just an over friendly cleaner who wandered in and they gave me a go at it” I wrapped my coat tighter round me and stomped off. How can a compliment feel like an insult?

The world is going a bit fuckety lately – we have the in the UK reports that we might start to bomb Iran...now just a heads up, I don’t think we should mainly because that leader has a distinct flinty look in his eyes and secondly they have nuclear weapons. Am just saying unless we have James Bond or the A Team we should leave well alone. I am sick of the UK getting involved in other people’s business under the guise of ‘we are there to protect the innocent and trodden on’ evidently not in countries that have fuck all but a dust bowl for natural resources or we would be helping many more oppressed people in the world.

Greece is collapsing under financial stress and the head of the borders in UK has been suspended for not checking everyone coming through airport customs....let me tell you he checked me every time and almost had a look up my vag for extra sureness. I don’t know what days the UK airport security was being relaxed but it wasn’t any of the days I flew! So we now have too many immigrants unchecked and unaccountable which made the red top newspaper piss themselves with excitement at the headline opportunities.

And on the showbiz front we had an outcry of public disdain that some Kardashian woman got married for publicity and attention....we had that back in 1981 when Prince Charles married a shy blonde bobbed curvy virgin called Diana. Except we paid for that sham of a wedding and she ended up fucking the family off and got topped in a tunnel. Maybe if a Kardashian got rammed by a white Fiat Uno and some paparazzi bikers am happy to start watching the show. Until then people you get the TV you deserve!

And apparently Justin Beiber fathered a baby after a backstage bang, seriously why is this story running? A DNA test usually brings this shit to an abrupt halt and to be honest I don’t think the Beiber even has sperm come out of his tiny Toot-toot penis, I think when he has a wee orgasm glitter and My Little Pony stickers fly out of his baby cock. That and the smell of talcum? Agree?

So some news- firstly our podcast is breaking all sorts of previously held spots in the podcast charts and we are into episode 69- if you want to check it out go to janeygodley.com and check out the front page for details and you will also see details of my autobiography which is finally coming out in E Book form at end of November!

Janey Godley’s Podcast “Episode 64”

(Please be aware that this Podcast Contains strong language)

In episode 64 of Janey Godley’s podcast the comedy capers are cranked up when Ashley and Janey try their hand at a ‘panel show’ themed podcast. Turns out Janey cannot do the musical intro game no matter how hard she tries whilst Ashley is an expert.


The Bold Alec makes a brief appearance; Frank Skinner gets a battering from Ashley, Polanski, Michael Jackson and the other convicted paedophile Chris Langham gets a lashing from Janey. Ashley gives us some fun weird facts and we discover that singing like cats isn’t really a talent.


Mother and Daughter comedy team get to natter and the world gets to hear it on Janey Godley’s podcasts, expect some bawdy language and home truths, as Janey Godley and Ashley Storrie lead you down the roads less taken in their fantastic weekly podcast. Listen as mother and daughter banter, bait and burst with laughter.


You can find all the info regarding Janey’s live shows by just clicking Gigs!



Please rate us or leave a comment on PodOmatic, ITunes or Facebook



Please Help Janey Godley raise just £500 for Action for Children and raise awareness for the charity: http://www.justgiving.com/Janey-Godley



Please do listen and comment on the Janey Godley Podcast at: Episode 64

The Samaritan’s

There is a wonderful organisation here in the UK called The Samaritans who are on call 24 hours a day; they listen to people who are on their hunkers and at their deepest darkest despair. Sometimes people just need to talk, it doesn’t have to be suicide it can be about bullying, worries about health, family…anything really. They listen. They have volunteers and do sterling work.

I donated a signed copy of my book and a huge painting that was part of an award winning art exhibition, the painting is called ‘One Night in New York’ and the bidding is on EBAY and it’s only up there for ten days. Here is the link

EBAY Auction


Please check it out and get bidding of you want a fabulous original artwork and give some well needed money to charity. It will be so worthwhile and you can stare at my painting that has some really funny swear words written boldly on it, something to annoy the in
laws and local church group with!

Thanks guys!