I sometimes get so bloody confused as to where I am supposed to be from one day to the next. Life is busy just now and travel plans are being changed daily. I am off to London tomorrow for a few days and then back up and down for the rest of February.
To make matters worse I am trying to stick to a diet, now that’s the worst thing when I am travelling as I tend to eat when am bored and sitting around in airports.
Last week in Prague I can’t believe how much food they offered that I just couldn’t eat; everything was so stodgy and deep fried, that these people could actually be Glaswegian!
So I turned into a small pit pony and lived on apples and carrots the whole trip.
I am so determined to lose my fat belly, I saw myself naked in a mirror from behind back in Cardiff and I was horrified as to how I looked. When did I become the fat lardy lady? I cannot bear to see myself naked for at least a year; the shock was too bad from the last attempt.
I have rolls of fat that ripple down my bum and the backs of my legs! I look like one of those Seaside postcards from the 1930s, it’s awful to accept.
So here we go again with the diet. You know you have reached an unacceptable size when you are NOW the weight you were when you were nine months pregnant with your baby. That’s wrong!
So February is full of travel and diets. I am going to the BAFTA awards in London soon and my guest this year is the Scottish Airport hero John Smeaton, he was the guy who intervened when a terror attack hit Glasgow Airport last year.
He was also a guest on my chat show at the Fringe last year and he is an all round lovely bloke.
I need to look nice and try not to resemble a fat rolly-polly woman on the red carpet.
March 6th is my Glasgow Comedy Festival show at The Garage in Glasgow at 8pm and I am doing a wee slot at the Terence Higgins Charity show on Sunday March 9th at Oran Mor on Glasgow’s Byres Road.
Both shows still have some tickets available; click on my website on how to buy if you are up for it and let me know if you are coming so I can say a special hi to my blog friends on the night?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Part Time work
My daughter Ashley reminded me of the time three years ago when she worked for a temping company. She really hated the job especially when she realised she was assigned to a senior citizen home. Not that she hates old people, but she really preferred office work, and nothing that would involve cleaning up after people.
So Ashley decided to do something really politically incorrect and morally disgusting- she pretended that she had learning difficulties and suffered from a really low IQ, she also affected a limp. She let this be known when she arrived at the place. She explained she could do menial tasks and was great at taking orders so she was given a job washing the dishes in the vast kitchen.
She didn’t want to deal hands on with the elderly people as basically she doesn’t like touching people she doesn’t know or handling their dirty laundry.
Ashley popped in her IPod earphones and happily carried on cleaning cutlery in the big dish-washing machine. What she discovered was how patronising people are to folk who have learning problems.
“It’s just as well you are pretty Ashley because you there is nothing going on in your wee head and will get nowhere in life” one woman would often say as she chatted to my over educated daughter.
Ashley would smile and the woman would pinch her cheek and pat her head.
She also told me that people openly speak about your disability in your company, for example one older nurse said to the gathered staff when Ashley was eating lunch “You know years ago people like Ashley were put in a special home and left to rot, nowadays they let them into society, but she is good at washing dishes and can sing really good, have you heard her singing away when she has her wee music box in her ears?”
“Yes, she can sing and she is really good at working the dishwasher as well, it’s a real shame she is backwards because she will never get a man”
Ashley would sit there horrified that people could say that in front of anyone!
Ashley would go round the old people’s home giving out cups of tea and singing away to the elderly folks, they all loved her. Though one old woman sussed there was more to her, and said to her one afternoon “You are smart, very smart and you don’t really have a limp, nor do you have learning difficulties, do you?”
“I don’t know what you mean” Ashley said in her happy smiling way.
“I watched you texting on your phone, your thumbs moved like lightening and you were reading big heavy book out on the lawn near the hairdressing room last week”
Ashley gulped and said “Yes, you are right I can’t lie, I am only pretending, I really don’t like working here and my mum said I had to get a seasonal job, but I really have issues with touching people and their stuff and the other women are so annoying its great that I don’t have to chat to them, I am sorry if I have offended you and I will go tell the matron now, I don’t mind getting the sack actually”
The old woman laughed loudly and replied “No, I won’t tell, its ok, you really cheer us up singing to us and your happy nature is wonderful, I don’t mind”
Ashley felt terribly ashamed and sang all day with people in the lounge.
Ashley worked in the old folk’s home for another five weeks until her contract ended and the women bought her a big colouring book and glittery pens, which they presented to her in front of the residents. Ashley actually loves colouring in and took the gift gladly! Though there was one old woman sitting there laughing her pants off as Ashley thanked them all and sang The Great Pretender and left with her lovely gift.
She told me he gained such respect for people who do have learning difficulties and will never under estimate or patronise them ever in her life time and she had learned an amazing lesson, even though it was borne of deceit.
So Ashley decided to do something really politically incorrect and morally disgusting- she pretended that she had learning difficulties and suffered from a really low IQ, she also affected a limp. She let this be known when she arrived at the place. She explained she could do menial tasks and was great at taking orders so she was given a job washing the dishes in the vast kitchen.
She didn’t want to deal hands on with the elderly people as basically she doesn’t like touching people she doesn’t know or handling their dirty laundry.
Ashley popped in her IPod earphones and happily carried on cleaning cutlery in the big dish-washing machine. What she discovered was how patronising people are to folk who have learning problems.
“It’s just as well you are pretty Ashley because you there is nothing going on in your wee head and will get nowhere in life” one woman would often say as she chatted to my over educated daughter.
Ashley would smile and the woman would pinch her cheek and pat her head.
She also told me that people openly speak about your disability in your company, for example one older nurse said to the gathered staff when Ashley was eating lunch “You know years ago people like Ashley were put in a special home and left to rot, nowadays they let them into society, but she is good at washing dishes and can sing really good, have you heard her singing away when she has her wee music box in her ears?”
“Yes, she can sing and she is really good at working the dishwasher as well, it’s a real shame she is backwards because she will never get a man”
Ashley would sit there horrified that people could say that in front of anyone!
Ashley would go round the old people’s home giving out cups of tea and singing away to the elderly folks, they all loved her. Though one old woman sussed there was more to her, and said to her one afternoon “You are smart, very smart and you don’t really have a limp, nor do you have learning difficulties, do you?”
“I don’t know what you mean” Ashley said in her happy smiling way.
“I watched you texting on your phone, your thumbs moved like lightening and you were reading big heavy book out on the lawn near the hairdressing room last week”
Ashley gulped and said “Yes, you are right I can’t lie, I am only pretending, I really don’t like working here and my mum said I had to get a seasonal job, but I really have issues with touching people and their stuff and the other women are so annoying its great that I don’t have to chat to them, I am sorry if I have offended you and I will go tell the matron now, I don’t mind getting the sack actually”
The old woman laughed loudly and replied “No, I won’t tell, its ok, you really cheer us up singing to us and your happy nature is wonderful, I don’t mind”
Ashley felt terribly ashamed and sang all day with people in the lounge.
Ashley worked in the old folk’s home for another five weeks until her contract ended and the women bought her a big colouring book and glittery pens, which they presented to her in front of the residents. Ashley actually loves colouring in and took the gift gladly! Though there was one old woman sitting there laughing her pants off as Ashley thanked them all and sang The Great Pretender and left with her lovely gift.
She told me he gained such respect for people who do have learning difficulties and will never under estimate or patronise them ever in her life time and she had learned an amazing lesson, even though it was borne of deceit.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The Bumpy Flight Home
Well, I am a frequent flyer but that flight back from Prague was horrific; I genuinely thought it was going to fall out of the sky near Glasgow.
There have been really horrendous winds in Glasgow and as the flight approached the landing, the plane felt like King Kong had a hold of it and was shaking the bloody thing furiously. I almost shit myself.
Just as we started the descent the pilot told us that the wind was too strong and he had to climb up again to avoid the wind and we may have to be diverted to Edinburgh!
Just then husband leaned over and said “You should see the air hostess she is vomiting into a bag”
“Why the fuck did you tell me that, now I am really scared?” I shouted over the noise of the plane being rattled in the wind.
“Why? She might have eaten something dodgy in Prague” he argued back.
“Or…she might be thinking we are going to crash” I screamed “So shut up”
“She might be pregnant” he shouted loudly enough for the poor woman to stop vomiting and scowl at him. I could have clubbed him to death with my shoe…fucking nutter that he is.
He then sat there as the plane was tossed about in the sky and gave me at least seven good reasons why the woman was throwing up and I was trying to get my IPod into my ear, I know you are not supposed to listen to any electronic devices as the plane lands, but I didn’t want the last words I ever hear to be him annoying me, I would rather have listened to Prefab Sprout sing.
“You aren’t supposed to have that in as we land, it could interfere with the landing” he hissed.
“Fuck right off, who is going to stop me, the pregnant, food poisoned scared air hostess?” I shouted.
I didn’t put the IPod on as I knew it was wrong but the deafening effect the ear plugs gave me helped.
Finally the plane did land after we were seriously buffeted by strong winds and the plane had see-sawed for a few minutes.
The good news is I really enjoyed Prague, the place is awesome and I cannot praise enough the people at Prague City Apartments.
We stayed at the Karolina residence and it was just beautiful, I don’t often endorse companies on my blog, but these people were awesome and the flat was huge!
They even let me check out at 9pm at night as my flight was a late departure.
Go check them out if you are ever going to Prague, who needs a hotel when a one bedroom spacious flat is so cheap and so well appointed?
http://www.prague-city-apartments.cz
There have been really horrendous winds in Glasgow and as the flight approached the landing, the plane felt like King Kong had a hold of it and was shaking the bloody thing furiously. I almost shit myself.
Just as we started the descent the pilot told us that the wind was too strong and he had to climb up again to avoid the wind and we may have to be diverted to Edinburgh!
Just then husband leaned over and said “You should see the air hostess she is vomiting into a bag”
“Why the fuck did you tell me that, now I am really scared?” I shouted over the noise of the plane being rattled in the wind.
“Why? She might have eaten something dodgy in Prague” he argued back.
“Or…she might be thinking we are going to crash” I screamed “So shut up”
“She might be pregnant” he shouted loudly enough for the poor woman to stop vomiting and scowl at him. I could have clubbed him to death with my shoe…fucking nutter that he is.
He then sat there as the plane was tossed about in the sky and gave me at least seven good reasons why the woman was throwing up and I was trying to get my IPod into my ear, I know you are not supposed to listen to any electronic devices as the plane lands, but I didn’t want the last words I ever hear to be him annoying me, I would rather have listened to Prefab Sprout sing.
“You aren’t supposed to have that in as we land, it could interfere with the landing” he hissed.
“Fuck right off, who is going to stop me, the pregnant, food poisoned scared air hostess?” I shouted.
I didn’t put the IPod on as I knew it was wrong but the deafening effect the ear plugs gave me helped.
Finally the plane did land after we were seriously buffeted by strong winds and the plane had see-sawed for a few minutes.
The good news is I really enjoyed Prague, the place is awesome and I cannot praise enough the people at Prague City Apartments.
We stayed at the Karolina residence and it was just beautiful, I don’t often endorse companies on my blog, but these people were awesome and the flat was huge!
They even let me check out at 9pm at night as my flight was a late departure.
Go check them out if you are ever going to Prague, who needs a hotel when a one bedroom spacious flat is so cheap and so well appointed?
http://www.prague-city-apartments.cz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
