Ashley is finding the early mornings rather mental and very trying.
She has to get up extremely early and catch a train that takes about an hour to get to Uni; she loves the course but hates the journeys.
She is not very good at early mornings and has twice fallen asleep on the train!
Today on the way home she was carrying a huge metallic case containing camera equipment and one of the daft ass train assistants on spotting her carrying the huge silver box and her backpack said to her “Are you a terrorist?” He thought this would be funny.
Ashley quickly answered back “Is that because of my big case or is it because I am black?”
He stood there stunned and moved quickly down the carriage.
Ashley is white, he is a prick, but it shut him up and made all the other passengers giggle.
I love her humour.
I have found a way to stop losing my mail or address books in my outlook programme when my computer crashes for future, I have opened a Gmail account and can now keep everything in cyberspace. That saves husband and I from fighting when the PC gets fucked up.
We went out last night for dinner in very posh restaurant here in Glasgow, it was nice to see him dressed up in a suit and tie, and I forgot how cute he can look when he tries. I even put lipstick on and Ashley took some pictures.
I cannot believe this is the spotty sixteen year old I got engaged to and I am sure I look nothing like the tomboy in corduroy dungarees that he once gave a diamond ring to behind the pub in my home town. We really do look old, and that bothers me slightly but he still makes me laugh at times.
The only thing I have in common with that tomboy is that we both have tuggy mad hair that will never really be tamed.
Anyway the dinner was nice, the restaurant was pretty empty except for this group of women who seemed to be American/Australian mix. One of the American women talked really loudly about how she is single but is in a lottery system through a Chinese Adoption agency (can you fucking believe they have a lottery for babies?). Husband and I stopped chewing and just stared at each other as she explained that the adoption agency supplies to single ‘Moms’ and that she has been on the list for two years now.
When one of the Australian women asked her how she would look after a baby whilst being single and working, the American woman simply looked at her and said “Oh I would use daycare”.
I sat there bemused, but then on the whole I suppose daycare in America would be preferable to being in a Chinese Orphanage.
Fuck…the things you overhear!
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
25 years of Wedding bliss…
Ok that sound ominous, and yes it is. We had decided to both go to the Lake District for a few days and due to a few family problems (me) we didn’t go. So I am spending –sorry we are spending our anniversary here at home.
It was a tense week, to start with husband mistakenly deleted some of my important emails whilst he was trying to move emails into our laptop. I screamed and threatened to kill him by slowly poking a needle into the eye of his cock and he got upset at that.
So we have done nothing but argue, not a good start to our ‘celebratory week’.
I woke up this morning and as I cleaned the house in a bad mood due to the fact I got NO cards or even a phone call to congratulate us on our silver wedding, I ended up crying as I slammed the hoover into the skirting boards. I need to reassert my issues!
The post man arrived and there on the floor was a lovely card from my pal Anne Cherry in Newcastle (she was my oldest school friend and it’s her half of face that is on the cover of my autobiography!).
So I cheered up.
The other thing that made me laugh was someone (a nutter) had left a message on my guest book waiting to be authorised (no one can leave a message, I have to OK it). Anyway someone had left a message saying that they were in fact my dead cousin Sammy and wrote a message from my ‘dead cousin Sammy’ saying that he loves heroin, now maybe that would upset some people but fuck how it made me laugh.
Firstly it was spelt very badly- Sammy despite being dead would never use incorrect grammar! I laughed so much at this attempt to be malicious that I giggled the rest of the day.
So I had a fun day, I shouted, cried and even got a very dyslexic message from my dead cousin…which was more than I got from close friends and family on my anniversary!
It was a tense week, to start with husband mistakenly deleted some of my important emails whilst he was trying to move emails into our laptop. I screamed and threatened to kill him by slowly poking a needle into the eye of his cock and he got upset at that.
So we have done nothing but argue, not a good start to our ‘celebratory week’.
I woke up this morning and as I cleaned the house in a bad mood due to the fact I got NO cards or even a phone call to congratulate us on our silver wedding, I ended up crying as I slammed the hoover into the skirting boards. I need to reassert my issues!
The post man arrived and there on the floor was a lovely card from my pal Anne Cherry in Newcastle (she was my oldest school friend and it’s her half of face that is on the cover of my autobiography!).
So I cheered up.
The other thing that made me laugh was someone (a nutter) had left a message on my guest book waiting to be authorised (no one can leave a message, I have to OK it). Anyway someone had left a message saying that they were in fact my dead cousin Sammy and wrote a message from my ‘dead cousin Sammy’ saying that he loves heroin, now maybe that would upset some people but fuck how it made me laugh.
Firstly it was spelt very badly- Sammy despite being dead would never use incorrect grammar! I laughed so much at this attempt to be malicious that I giggled the rest of the day.
So I had a fun day, I shouted, cried and even got a very dyslexic message from my dead cousin…which was more than I got from close friends and family on my anniversary!
Friday, September 23, 2005
Sorry I am late!
I had too late a night last night; I was performing my duties as host on the comedy pub crawl for the Merchant City Festival. It was too late for me to blog and this morning I had to get up 8am for a live radio show on Beat 106. Trust me, me in the morning is not a funny sight, I was like Myra Hindley the child killer on crack. I did manage to be funny, but fuck was I tired.
The show went live from a big glass fronted swanky upmarket designer store and as I was standing in the front window going live, I saw my daughter Ashley rush past on her way to the train station to get to Uni, I waved- she gave me the finger. She is not a happy girl early in the morning and I pissed myself laughing as the radio presenters mentioned live that my daughter was rushing past but the halted when she flipped me a finger and I giggled.
Tonight was the best, I performed my one woman show at Bar Bluu as part of the festival and I did the whole two hour set that covers last years Fringe show Good Godley and this years show, anyway I tell the audience all about my life and how I was caught in my father in laws house with guns and explosives, then I admit to a crime that involves me getting one over the police. I don’t want to write it here as I don’t want any legal comeback, anyway to cut a long story short guess who was in the audience and introduced herself?
It was the policewoman who stormed my father in laws house with her crack squad and charged me with possessing firearms all those years ago in 1994!
I was amazed and could not stop laughing when she told me who she was. My daughter just stared at her, I laughed out loud and said “Nice to meet you again, that thing I admitted to on stage in the first half, I made it all up, by the way are you still with the police?”
“Yes I am, but don’t worry, I never heard you say anything criminal, I am a big fan of yours and loved the book” She told me. So therefore I like her!
So what an eventful night, the gig sold well and the crowd loved the night. I am so happy it all went very well and can’t wait to bring the show to London in December.
I did inform the crowd about my website and my idea about six degrees of separation, when I told them I am three degrees of separation away from Hitler and that makes them four degrees away, they all took it very well and laughed. So I am still excited about my idea and would like to thank everyone who is inviting me to their lovely city, I intend to try and get there and will keep you all informed!
Good night X.
The show went live from a big glass fronted swanky upmarket designer store and as I was standing in the front window going live, I saw my daughter Ashley rush past on her way to the train station to get to Uni, I waved- she gave me the finger. She is not a happy girl early in the morning and I pissed myself laughing as the radio presenters mentioned live that my daughter was rushing past but the halted when she flipped me a finger and I giggled.
Tonight was the best, I performed my one woman show at Bar Bluu as part of the festival and I did the whole two hour set that covers last years Fringe show Good Godley and this years show, anyway I tell the audience all about my life and how I was caught in my father in laws house with guns and explosives, then I admit to a crime that involves me getting one over the police. I don’t want to write it here as I don’t want any legal comeback, anyway to cut a long story short guess who was in the audience and introduced herself?
It was the policewoman who stormed my father in laws house with her crack squad and charged me with possessing firearms all those years ago in 1994!
I was amazed and could not stop laughing when she told me who she was. My daughter just stared at her, I laughed out loud and said “Nice to meet you again, that thing I admitted to on stage in the first half, I made it all up, by the way are you still with the police?”
“Yes I am, but don’t worry, I never heard you say anything criminal, I am a big fan of yours and loved the book” She told me. So therefore I like her!
So what an eventful night, the gig sold well and the crowd loved the night. I am so happy it all went very well and can’t wait to bring the show to London in December.
I did inform the crowd about my website and my idea about six degrees of separation, when I told them I am three degrees of separation away from Hitler and that makes them four degrees away, they all took it very well and laughed. So I am still excited about my idea and would like to thank everyone who is inviting me to their lovely city, I intend to try and get there and will keep you all informed!
Good night X.
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