Blog from me to you

Been a strange week as usual, me and Ashley attended the Woman of Influence ball at the Hilton Glasgow. Ashley loved it- she normally hates these things and says stuff like “Mum, this is like that film Cocoon all these old people are waiting to scoop my youthful soul out” but this event was actually lovely and we are both at The Scottish Variety Awards this coming Friday as I am presenting an award there.

Am still off the fags, don’t want to talk about it too much as no doubt I will fall off the non smoking wagon again and look like a dick.
The Glasgow Comedy Festival has been going great guns and I saw some cracking comics. My own show is this Thursday 25th at Tron Theatre, am excited indeedy!

Been busy getting my posters done for Edinburgh Fringe, as you all know I am doing two shows this year- a comedy myself and a kids show with Ashley at the Pleasance Dome!

Ashley and I also have been up at my dads helping with his garden, well I say helping, my dad just handed power tools and a rake to us and buggered off inside! Ashley by the way is allergic to all flora, fauna and trees…so her eyes were bulgy – yet she managed to trim hedges clear undergrowth and pull down a big jaggy thing which we weren’t sure was a plant or a thingy…it looked dead is all I am saying.

My job was to rake up all the dead shit and put it in a bag, but every time I tried to lift it up small insects came flying, flapping and diving at me so screaming and screaming was all I could manage. I hate beasties.

Dad is deaf so the screaming didn’t affect him and Ashley was using a big power chopper and couldn’t hear me.

Then she stopped, screamed and pointed behind a big bush. I ran over…”What is it?” I yelled.

“Mum, there is something down there with eyes, it looked at me” she clutched her mouth in horror. She leaned over and pulled out a clay figure of a squirrel with boggly woggly eyes that dad must have bought in the garden centre years ago, it had fallen off the wall and lay in the hedgerow for years.

I didn’t manage to get all the dead leaves etc into bin bags so decided to gather it all up into one big giant mess and declare it organic waste which will over time somehow melt down into the grass…I know it can happen I saw it once in a cartoon. Dad merely opened a hatch in the fence at the bottom of the garden and shoved it all out onto the hill and it tumbled down onto the dense woodland that is behind his house.

“That’s called recycling” he said and walked away quite happy with himself.