Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What Men Must Do

A mate called me last week and as she is single she discussed certain things a man must DO and NOT DO to be on a list of possible boyfriends. Now I thought this was awful but then I realised I too have an agenda that my man must follow. For example, I know I could never have married or gave up my womb to reproduce with any man who used the word ‘Zeitgeist’ in his everyday language.

There are other words I have banned from coming out of my husbands mouth and I have made a list.

• Soporific
• Cognoscenti
• Latte double hit
• Anything that is preceded by the word ‘Uber’ like Uber-excited
• The saying ‘amongous’ like to say ‘chocolate-amongous’ as to express lots of chocolate.

There are also things he cannot wear or I will divorce him…for example-

• Wearing cuffed track suit bottoms with leather shoes and white socks.
• Acrylic tank tops with a white shirt beneath.
• Football tops of any kind EVER.
• A fake tan.
• A beanie hat.
• Leather sandals of any style.
• Jewellery of any kind.
• A tattoo or nipple ring.
• Busy Christmas sweaters with reindeer or trees.

There are also sayings he cannot come out with or I will go to a beach and fake my own death, here are a few of these examples.

• “Darling lets go to Macramé classes and make beaded pot holders”
• “Janey I adore taxidermy in birds, see my stuffed peacock?”
• “I love making seashells into lampshades”
• “Do you fancy trying dogging?”
• “Let’s go hill walking”
• “Do you like my fake tan?”
• “Madonna is a wonderful writer of children’s books”
• “Don’t you think Victoria Beckham is gorgeous?”
• “Do you think I would suit a pipe?”

He knows all of these topics are off limits and I am not saying he wants any of these things, but in my mind they are the worst things a man can say other than “ I like stabbing babies” which is horrendously off limits and I don’t know anyone who would say that…but it was an extreme example.

So my pal is right, she should have a list of things she looks for in a man.
There are good things men can say and do like…

• Cleaning.
• Ironing.
• Raising babies.
• Cleaning out a Hoover.
• Going to the late night shops for cookies.
• Hand washing your underwear.
• Cooking.

I suppose that’s a bit much to ask, but it’s worth a try.

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