How many fights can I have?

There I was dragging my slightly sick ass into town to take back a gift that I bought husband.
Ok…here’s the story…I bought him a fancy silver case that I thought contained a beard trimmer, what it actually contained was a hair dressing set. This I should have known because the cardboard sleeve around the box said “Hair grooming kit” I mistook hair for beard…easy mistake it was the Christmas shopping sweats that made me choose wrongly.

I discarded the cardboard wrapping as husband opened the gift and he ripped it up for recycling (husband is currently obsessed with recycling- I am too and thought I could swap him for Eminem, turns out recycling isn’t swapping…who knew?)
Anyway I took the silver box back to Boots the chemist.

The young assistant with a rash of spots who looked about 17 years old- took one look at the silver box, took in my explanation that I thought it was a beard trimmer; he noticed the cardboard sleeve missing and said loudly “I cannot take it back in this condition”

I said “What condition? Untouched? It’s perfectly unused?”

He said “There was a cardboard sleeve on this and it’s now gone”

I said “Well, now I have two complaints, the woman who sold me this knew I asked for a beard trimmer and she not only sold me the wrong goods, but she screwed me for the cardboard sleeve”

He said “Are you honestly trying to tell me that this box came without a sleeve?”

I said “Yes, (I was lying I couldn’t explain my husbands compulsive recycling habit) Yes It never came with a sleeve, if it did come with a packaged sleeve I would have known it was hair dressing kit and not a beard trimmer, now I am disgusted”

He said “Then how did she scan it into the till as the barcode is on the sleeve?”
He looked smug at his question, he thought he could break me at this point, but he didn’t know I have been questioned under pressure for concealing guns and weapons in my life.

“Well as you know all electrical goods are kept behind the counter in the Braehead store because of the sheer amount of thievery going on and she must have scanned it from the pile she had near her with her scanning gun” I smiled and added
“When did you assume that working for Boots made you Monsieur Piorot, do I look like a 1920s cigarette girl who stabbed someone with an art deco lamp? Just refund the goods, my husband doesn’t have a lot of head hair but has a huge beard, it’s like dating a bloke from ZZ Top, so deal with it”

A man behind me laughed, I laughed but spotty sales boy didn’t.

I then asked for the manager of the store, by this time I was NOT leaving till I got a beard trimmer in return for the silver cased Hair dressing kit I mistakenly bought but refused to accept my guilt in the part.

The young assistant made a phone call to bring down a manager “She is really sarcastic and difficult and I think she is lying” I heard him whisper on the phone to the manager who was now having to brace himself to meet ‘Eva Braun the difficult customer’ (which is a good reference as Braun make shavers).

I stood my ground beside the photo counter, I saw the manager come along the baby bottle aisle ….I made good eye contact and smiled broadly (this always makes them scared, never act agitated it throws them and they don’t know how to deal with a pleasant but forceful customer).

As the boy approached me (he was actually younger looking that the spotty assistant if that was legally possible) “Hello Miss Godley” he spoke.

Shit - how did he know my name? Now I was thrown.

“I saw you last week on stage at Jongleurs- you are very funny, now how can we fix this? I tell you what go and pick a beard trimmer and this will be all sorted” He said with confidence that shook me.

I felt horrible, he knew I was lying, the sales boy knew I was lying, I wanted to die, then I figured that ‘Hey who cares…lets get a beard trimmer for Grizzly Adams’

I am going to be nice to people for the whole of 2007 and not lie anymore to sales assistants….or I am going straight to hell, but at least I get smooth kisses before I go.

Sorry sales boy and assistant manager child …I promise to be good.