Janey is Blogging…

Sorry I have been slack of late, I don’t mean ‘slack’ in any body parts or I may have to remind you that the best quote I have ever received was from my local district nurse who when trying to give me a smear test actually said and I quote “You have a surprisingly tight vagina for a woman who has had a child” Let me tell you there is no quote can beat that EVER! I even put that on a flyer to advertise my show!

Anyway I have been writing stuff for BBC and writing stuff for my shows and getting posters organised.
I was over to see my wee baby niece Abi and wee nephew Shaun, Shaun is nine and Abi is three, they are so cute and I love them both.
I have been worried about Shaun as there is a boy in his class who has been bullying him and causing him problems. Shaun does try hard to steer clear of the boy and apparently the nasty boy’s parents have been warned repeatedly about their child’s attitude to other kids, but this doesn’t really help Shaun’s day to day dealings. I am sure he is still under pressure, but we are trying all areas to resolve it before I turn up and attempt to kill the parents of the 666 child that hurts my wee nephew.
Abi and Shaun’s mum is my niece Ann Mags. She is pregnant with her third child
(I don’t know the current state of her tight bits, but I assume they must be under stress!)
Anyway, as I was rubbing her mummy’s pregnant tummy lump Abi said to me in a really serious tone of voice “When that baby comes out you are allowed to hold it but you are not allowed to break it Aunty Janey”
I laughed my ass off at this. We all then went to see Shaun’s school summer fete. All the boys and girls were singing about plants and vegetables and growing and stuff I am not sure I understood, but my fav wee nephew was standing holding aloft his dark spiky head a ‘huge cauliflower’.
Abi watched intently then turned to me, her big brown eyes and huge floppy curls are so cute- I smiled at her and leaned my head down to hear her, but that wee lispy mouth shouted “Why is Shaun holding a big dirty vagebabble? I am awfully bored Aunty Janey” Everyone could hear her; I had to stifle a giggle. Shaun started laughing and Abi stood on a chair and shouted “Throw it Shaun, throw it!”
Shaun continued to sing some song about growing and seeds, whilst giggling and writhing about in helpless fits of laughter, still holding up a big dirty cauliflower. He is a trooper. Abi clapped her wee chubby hands in delight as her beloved big brother sang.
I wanted to laugh aloud, but Ann Mags was glaring at me.
Come on how fucking interesting can kids find cauliflower? I wanted him to lob it at that nasty wee boy who bullies him in the front row. Just the thought of the nasty boy being clobbered on the head with a big cauliflower would have made my day….and Shaun’s I am sure. But we must play by the rules, though just watching the nasty evil child give Shaun sly looks made me want to stamp on the wee fuckers neck.
Don’t worry….I am not a child killer and can restrain myself….

I had a horrible situation last night; I have been watching series 4 of 24, my favourite TV show. Fuck knows how Jack Bauer gets through a day without having a heart attack or at least a piss or a cup of tea I will never know! He must wake up some mornings, hear his phone go and say “Fuck off, I cannot save the world, I am really tired and I get at least seventeen beatings and shot at 56 times in 24 hours”
I cannot believe how they expect us to believe a man gets that much torture, that many bullets fired at him, that many close calls with death, so many family members threatened or killed and still looks ok at the end of it. Anyone connected gets dragged off by Middle Eastern crazy extremists and he has to make really hard choices based on his job.
Yet he still looks cool and collected.

I have a situation with a parking attendant and I look like a crazy cat woman who needs 24 hours of sleep after that confrontation!

As I said I was watching the show, I ate some ice cream and then two minutes later vomited it up….it was so weird to puke up cold stuff, the ice cream came back out COLD! Yuk…
So today I am trying to get my life organised, I don’t think I ma there yet but at least I am trying.
Talk soon.