Sex and Pain…again!

Yes who would have thought this subject would come up again, but get this. Stressed out as I am, I finally fell asleep this morning at 4am. I was in one of those deep happy warm sleeps, when I am woke up because my mental husband got out of bed, came back in, saw my ass sticking out of the covers and decided ‘out of the blue’ to smack me really hard! Yes….I was awoken by a random act of violence.
My heart leapt out of my mouth, red rage seethed and I turned round to see him standing there smiling, so I jumped up and punched him right in the abdomen….see I can be sexy too!
I actually wanted to kill him, he was stunned that I was annoyed…why wouldn’t I be? I have just been attacked whilst I was asleep.
“I was trying to be funny and you looked sexy lying there” he gasped in between clutching his winded stomach.
“No, that wasn’t sexy, that was assault, you fucking nutter” I screamed at him rubbing a big red hand print on my fat ass.
So there we have it, I do NOT like sex and pain…finally.
I am still in the process of getting my posters designed and feel that no one actually gets what I am saying; the lady just looks at me as if I am crazy when I describe what I want on the screen. So I guess it’s me that fucked today and not anyone else.
Went out for dinner tonight with Jay, a mate from London, he is in Glasgow as he manages a top comic (He who shall not be named) and we had a good old natter, Jay is solid fun.
I am of to Cardiff this weekend and next week I am in London for six days. I am gigging and working on BBC radio 4 Loose Ends. I can’t wait to get back to London, away from the smacking husband and the stressful posters.

Men who like pain…

I have a man who emails me called Keith who likes pain. I have no problem with this as I don’t know him, and don’t cause him pain…but he wants to be my slave. Now I have considered letting him clean my home and then hitting him with sticks, but I get the feeling sex may be involved.
My daughter Ashley is desperate for him to come here, she says he can clean her awful room and she will kick the shit out of him and she really doesn’t care how sexual that is…he is cleaning her room for free!
I have no idea how people got to associate sex with pain, but I suppose if you were a soldier or a spy it would be a good thing eh? Imagine getting electrodes inserted into your penis, that’s hardly a torture if it’s what turns you on?
I personally hate pain; certainly not anywhere near sex either, if he doesn’t take the weight on his elbows I am in a strop!
So I am now into day three of not smoking and pain is suddenly looking attractive, I mean I could easily punch husband on the head if he irritates me one more time.
I am determined to stay off the fags, as I cannot cope with standing outside smoking…in the cold…trying to have a quick fag? That’s not good.
I am slowly getting together the ideas for our Edinburgh posters, I am stressed out and until they are all approved and sorted I won’t sleep.
It is driving me mad, as I have to get the venue to approve them, then get all the different sizes organised for brochures/flyers/posters and adverts.
I wish I worked in a canning factory now, I wish my life was simple; I went to work, came home and bought pizza. I didn’t have to organise travel, hotels or rehearse shows. But then I suppose I would be boring and Keith the S&M freak wouldn’t send me such scary emails.

Death Anniversary…

I am looking after my sister’s daughters for two nights, Natalie and Victoria. Today Natalie is seventeen years old. Her birthday is April 1st, which is the same day my mum went missing in 1982. We assume April 1st is also the day my mum died, we don’t know the true date, we can only assume as her killer denied all knowledge of the incident and he himself is now dead.
My mum was a true April fool, believing in a man who had beat her up before and yet she went for a river walk with him that spring night 24 years ago and was found dead floating in the water three days later.
So I put all of that angst aside and took Natalie out for lunch before I got ready to gig at Jongleurs Glasgow tonight.
The gigs are going well and I am surprised how well the audiences are coping with the smoking ban…they did disappear at the break and they all stood outside and had a quick fag before returning to the second half.
When I came home, husband lifted up the back of my hair as he hugged me, he put his nose into the back of my neck and said “You smell really clean!”
I did and it feels great!