We Are Glasgow

The commonwealth games are coming but visitors from around the globe needs to know a few things about us people of Glasgow.

1. The cone on Wellington's head is not graffiti, it's similar to the rooks in the Tower of London, if it's removed, Glasgow will fall. So our people replace it constantly, we are vigilant.

2. We will tell you our inner most medical history if you ask for directions, then walk you to that place as we show you photo's of a kidney stone.

3. We love to solve a problem and will include complete strangers in this task if you ask us to help, it will become a community project.

4. We will laugh at you loudly if you tell us you are Scottish especially if you weren't born here but you have grand parents who did, that doesn't count, you passport does.

5. We will swear constantly, even old people and bus drivers, it's how we communicate, if you ask us not to we will do it louder.

6. We have slang (secret language) for most things. Ruby Murray is a curry, nobody remembers who she is. Hampden roar means 'score' and Oscar Slater means 'later'.

7. Our men folk are often found half naked at the first sight of sun, and a beer can has to be carried as a tee shirt is tucked in a waist band.

8. The colder it gets the less our late night clubbers wear. Women have been seen in a nightslip and high heels in mid December.

9. We revere Greggs pies, we will queue for them at 1pm outside shops the way people stood with food coupons during the war.

10. Krispy Creme donuts are a rare commodity and can be traded for bed and board, like Mayan gold coins.

11. Don't ever sit in the disabled/elderly seats on a bus or train and think nobody will say anything, Glasgow people will swear at you.

12. Never jump a queue we are not English, we don't politely tut, Glasgow folk will tell you EXACTLY where you are in a queue and they will all join in.

13. If you hear screaming at 3am in the street, that's either the foxes or the mating call of Glaswegians and nobody is fighting. We fight silently.

14. We will talk to anyone who wants a chat, even passing each other in busy roads.

15. We will get out of moving vehicles to help you reverse park, then laugh at you for not being able to do it.

16. We wear a lot of sports clothing but rarely are into sport.

17. Our beautiful parks are stunning, go see them, it's where we let all our animals run wild, so don't be scared.

18. Always say hello to dogs, we all do that.

19. Never assume an elderly Glaswegian needs help across a road without asking them, they are proud and angry and might bite.

20. Fruit machines do not sell fruit.

21. Look up at our buildings in the city centre, we rival the best cities in our architecture and Glasgow people will point them out for you, the might call it "a cracking auld building".

22. We have amazing world culture in with our bricks, our Asians gave us great food and serve us late into the night with their outlandishly stocked shops- you can buy a beach LI-LO and milk at 2am, our Italian's gave us ice cream and many of our most diverse immigrants are our top doctors. They are our people now, you cannot have them back.

23. Our homeless and our poor are our cities people, give them a kind word and never look down on them, they are the birds that never flew, but they are our people and we welcome you.