That's not love, that's endorphins & a hormone
cocktail making you insane and the very same chemicals that produce that
feeling are an identical mix to that which make people angry and confused
enough to pick up a samurai sword and attack people near a busy flower stall,
because God told them to.
The reason I bring up hormones and love is, am sure
am about to batter full force into my menopause and instead of getting the
usual symptoms hot flushes and dried up womb/vagina (none of which has
happened) I am pretty busy fucking up my life and just losing stuff (like my
passport) and getting giddy about love.
If my menopause was an interpretive dance movement
it would resemble 'trees swaying in the wind, whilst screaming and searching
bags frantically as people scattered in different directions then very hard
hugging that scares the frail and small animals in my life".
Don't expect to see it at the National Theatre is
all am saying.
All of this has somewhat disconcerted my husband who
is used to my brand of 'love' which is basically me trying to be nice and with
moments of touching affection. Now he gets undying declarations and long winded
stories about all my hopes and dreams and he stares at me with the hollowed
eyes of a man who has been in this relationship since he was 16yrs old and
utters "we are not getting the bathroom tiled" or "please don't
tell me anymore am bored with your mouth moving fast and your hair is bushy did
you know that?" He has Aspergers syndrome which makes flowing conversation
with perfect segues something that only happens in an episode of 'Friends'.
I have also taken to suddenly gripping him tightly
in the night making him scream as he thinks the house might be on fire or a
hostage situation is in play. Normally I don't like being touched when am
sleeping, now I wake up and have an urge to cuddle hard. And I mean cuddle.
Husband is worried sick. We have a language that no longer needs proper
constructed words, we say sentences to each other that if in public sound
innocuous but to the long married trained ear, you will not the coded
passive/aggressive hatred and barbed verbal stabbing. That's love isn't it?
That we bothered to understand each other's codes and underlying hatred we
share?
So the losing stuff is getting worse, recently when
I was in Canada I managed to drop my passport out of my bag on the very last
weekend of the 5 week tour. I was in St John's Newfoundland and it was a bank
holiday weekend.
On the Thursday after flying from Toronto on Porter
Airlines (which are amazing) I managed to let my passport fall out of my bag
onto aeroplane floor. I was so flooded by hormones and needing a hug that I
never checked my bag. So by time I got into St John's I was hysterical.
The manager of the Yuk Yuk's comedy club must have
been so happy so deal with a slightly smelly, screamy, tufty haired emotional
woman who can yell "I have lost my passport" constantly. Then I went
onstage and did an hour show, every night for three nights ..not once did I let
it upset me but inside my thoughts were interspersed with "I have lost my
passport" it made me sweat funny. Yuk Yuks were so helpful they gave me a
landline and an office and the time to call all necessary people as there is no
reason that the officials from the British Consulate didn't get to hear me
scream "I have lost my passport" and hear a woman who I swear to god
was Mary Poppins answer me back "press one if you have lost your
passport". I pressed 'one' quite a lot.
One of the women in the club looked me right in the
eye and said "have you ever lost a breast to cancer? No? then chill the
fuck out its just admin"
She clearly hadn't been suffering from an emotional
pre menopause had she? And her brand of reality bites just made me weepy and
needing hard hugs...she wasn't helping is all am saying.
The Yuk Yuk's comedy club in Newfoundland is
absolutely stunning, it has a natural slate wall as a back drop and as I stood
onstage saying funny words but in my head I was screaming "I have lost my
passport" and I leaned against the wall and for some reason I cannot
explain, I wiggled a finger in between the bricks and got my finger stuck. I
had the option of doing a whole hour as I stood in the one spot with my finger
stuck, or stand forward and show the 200 odd people exactly what I was doing as
I was supposed to be entertaining them.
I showed them "I have stuck my finger in the
wall, please tell me that Holland isn't behind that wall and when I pull my
finger out I flood a nation?"
They laughed and I got my finger free.
Good news is- Porter airlines found my passport and
all the screaming and sweating was for nothing. So now that drama was over I
went onto lose house keys, my oyster card and a curly headed toddler called
Bernard, (not a good name for a consummate floor licker).
Ok calm down the toddler was found quickly. It ran
away from me in a shopping mall in London, he wanted his mum, who had asked me
to keep an eye on him for a few minutes so she could go to the loo. I would
have chased him, but he wasn't mine and I didn't know her well enough to worry
about a missing screamer called Bernard. And I was slightly emotional and
needed a hard hug.
It all worked out in the end.
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