Saturday, December 17, 2011

Travel with my Bag

I was in London recently and just love getting time
with my pals and catching up. Also getting the chance to do The Set List show
at Soho theatre was just absolutely amazing. It’s a show where the minute you
step onstage you are handed a piece of paper that tells you the subjects your
gig will be based on. It’s a bit like jumping off a cliff naked in front of the
people you desperately want to impress and have your period at the exact moment
you bend your knees to leap off the edge. If you have ever had that dream you
are naked and can’t use the buttons of a phone to get out of the street filled
with people staring at you? Then that’s the feeling The Set List gives you and
the only way out is to talk funny and make people laugh to get you out of the
situation. I did it.

Monica my dear pal cheered and laughed all the way
through and gave me a big hug as I walked off stage and thanks to Paul Provenza
& the Set List team for the chance to do the show again.

I do love a walk down Oxford Street to see all the
bright Christmas lights and look in the windows and feel that wonderful
seasonal excitement. Though we don’t really do much Christmas stuff now that
Ashley our daughter is a fully fledged adult- I do miss the feeling and get
nostalgic at rosy cheeked kids in red mittens all giggling queuing up for Santa

The other weird thing is when am doing Christmas
comedy gigs, and the all jingle Christmas songs are on....I quickly realise
that all these songs I was singing to in the 80s were out when most of the
staff weren’t even alive. I am old. That’s official.

Christmas gigs can be notoriously difficult as
people get raging drunk and have no interest in your funny stories....there is
nothing better to bring down your comedy swaggering ego than to stand onstage
and get whacked by a turkey breast on the shin bone as you almost reach a punch

Just a head’s up to people being dragged to a comedy
night at Christmas party works night out, if you don’t like comedy and hate
shutting up- just refuse to go and if you are a drunken person that hates
comedy and likes throwing food? Please stay at home and whack yourself with a
ham in private.
This time of year in Glasgow the drink and party
season is in full swing, I watched two girls in astonishingly high platform
shoes (that actually looked like surgical wear) hold onto each other trying to
cross a road and fall like timber in front of moving cars.

Luckily they crawled onto the pavement dragging
their Lulu Guinness bags and Jimmy Choo’s onto the vomit spewed pavement. One
of them had a black hair piece that fell out and washed away in the gutter and
she scrambled on bloodied knees trying to save it from going down the drain.

The other phenomenon on freezing winter nights in
Scotland is the sheer amount of young men and women who refuse to wear a
jacket, the two drunken girls I just mentioned were in thin shiny fabric off
the shoulder dresses, it was 2 degrees below freezing in Glasgow. I don’t ever
recall going out disco dancing in the late 70s and thinking “it’s snowing out
there am going to find a sleeveless short dress and ditch my winter coat”.

Maybe I am old now and this is the way old people
talk, but seeing young guys in thin tee shirts standing in the snow literally
shivering and trembling with mild hypothermia makes me wonder- what makes them
do that? Do you not get laid if you own a jacket nowadays? Is that a new code-
wear a coat never get fucked? When did that

My other bug bear is fragrance adverts on TV at this
time, I really don’t understand them especially if you watch them with sound on
mute. It basically is a woman in a torn billowing frock with smudged eye makeup
running down an alley then caressing the bricks and staring into the distance-
she looks sexually assaulted but then she sticks her fingers in her mouth and a
cat jumps off a trash can and she stares at the moon and then clutches a bottle
of perfume? What the fuck is that about?

So here we are almost at the end of the year and my
blog is becoming more and more sporadic – I am feeling weird about life.
Another year gone and I still don’t know where my career or life is going;
shouldn’t I have all this shit figured out by now?

No is the answer, I don’t know much at all despite
getting to this age. I only know when its cold- wear a jacket.

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