London so far

The flight down from Glasgow was ok, I was rather annoyed as I got a BA American Express credit card and on the phone the Amex people reassured me TWICE that this British Airways Amex gets you access to their executive lounges and I asked my mate who works at BA when I got the airport and she told me it didn’t give you access, MANY people had been duped by that sales technique. Shame on Amex for lying to people, anyway flight was fine.

The downside of the flight was I was feeling horrid. I had a spiked fever and my throat hurt. I was convinced I had swine flu. You see, I had been in Dunoon and Shawlands over the weekend and both places have been hot spots of swine flu, so in my head I was about to die. The thought of going to the NHS and saying “I have a fever and sore throat and by the way I have just travelled through Los Angeles, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Dunoon and Shawlands over the past six weeks” I would be strapped to a bed and quarantined like a Guantanamo Bay prisoner. So, instead, I waited till I had infected everyone and did my shows. I am now fine and the symptoms have gone, I suspected I was Typhoid Mary for a few hours though.

Am staying in Westminster Crown lawn flats which are superb, the place is awesome and it has an underground swimming pool! It is just round the corner from Big Ben.

I lie in bed and can hear Big Ben chime all the time, it’s really nice to hear it.

Did my preview show and was worried sick as I don’t really do preview shows at all, I wait until the first night of Edinburgh fringe and that’s when I do the show for the first time. I never really have any material ready, until that first show. Scary and fucking weird I know, but that’s how I work. So, the crowd were lovely as I battered out some new stories that may or may not make it to Edinburgh and the crowd were lovely as hell. They even told me at the end what to keep and what to discard come the fringe! Well, I did ask them.

Had a staring competition in Costa Coffee when I popped in for a pee without buying a tea, a woman who had been sat down drinking watched me come in and got up and decided that she was going to use the loo before me. She stood in front of me and I stood in front of her.

“Have you bought coffee?” she asked as we waited the queue for the loo.

“Yes, I have bought coffee, just not here, and am going to pee in their toilet; do you own Costa Coffee then?” I asked her.

“You are passive aggressive” She snapped.

“So is everyone, sometimes we are aggressive and sometimes we are passive, now take your pseudo psychoanalysis bullshit and watch me pee for free”

I stared her out and got into the toilet and just for badness read a chapter of my book as she waited outside in a huff. That’s what she gets for being the toilet Nazi.

After my show I headed down to Groucho club with Fran and got to see my best wee mate Bernie. He is the vanguard at the door of the club and filters out all the celeb wheat from the chaff & Chav! He is really funny as fuck and makes me giggle when he does his thing. That club is worth joining just to watch Bernie the Prince of Soho.

Anyway Fran and I had a great time and there was some funny high jinkery going on, I didn’t get home until 2am. Feet killing and make up slid down my cleavage, that’s what happens when you dance and sing round a piano with a few gins inside you.

So onwards and upwards.