Lanzarote

I am in Lanzarote. Due to a somewhat worrying medical situation, I missed going to Glastonbury. Ashley and I have come to Lanzarote instead. It was a surprise gift from husband. He knew I would have time off after my minor surgery and decided to treat me. So he sent Ashley and me on a last minute holiday.

I would never have picked Lanzarote in my life. I hate package holidays and despise the smell of beer and kebabs. BUT this place is awesome, it is quiet and huge and the food is wonderful.

We are staying at the Gran Melia Volcain in Playa Blanca. I am stunned at how great the hotel is! Its 5 star in Lanzarote standards and trust me – it shows. I am so relaxed.
Ashley loves the swimming pools and I think our complex has four; I am not sure as we keep stumbling across more stuff as we walk about. The place is quiet and there are hardly any guests – which I am loving.

I imagined Lanzarote to be a place where people eat hot lard and sing the ‘Birdie Song’ continuously as baldy British men beat their wives and kids get sunburnt or ignored for a bingo night.

I haven’t had a proper holiday in years. I am so happy and though am worried about issues surrounding health and family, I am having a great time. I post up some pics when I get back.

Please remember all comedy fans of the blog I am doing my one woman show at Norwich Playhouse on 25th July and at Eden Court Inverness on 27th July.

More news from Lanzarote this week!

Is Life ok?

I have been increasingly worried lately about my lovely wee step mum who hasn’t been well. Then I had a medical thing of my own which meant I had to cancel my appearance at The Glastonbury Comedy Tent, so life sucks a bit.

I am just back from Nottingham, I was MC at Jongleurs and I loved it. We stayed in serviced apartments with Urban Self Catering who really went out on a limb for me, they are amazing people and just wonderful hosts. The big two bedroom house was

I do like Nottingham and am looking forward to my big one woman show at Norwich Playhouse. Comedy is going well.

So, considering all this medical stuff goes well, Ashley and I are going to have our first holiday together in years. We are hoping to go to Turkey to Olu Deniz. I saw it on the web and it looks amazing. I really need a beach holiday and time to myself…and with Ashley! Husband hates beaches and holidays in general, so he is staying at home.

I really need a break just before the Edinburgh Festival.

I am hoping the hotel or destination does have internet, as I need to write my column for The Scotsman from a beach! That will be cool.

So I am off to sleep and wake up tomorrow and find a travel agent that will organise my wee holiday.

Janey does comedy at Norwich Playhouse

Hey all, I will be at The Norwich Playhouse on July 25th doing my comedy show.

If you want tickets or any other info please click here http://www.norwichplayhouse.org.uk/viewshowdetail.php?id=349

I have been to Norwich on boating holidays in the past and I LOVE the place, hope to see some of you there! Janey

Lazy Blogger Janey

I have been burnt, exhausted and scorched by the hot sun in London and thank God, it’s beginning to get cooler! Husband and I are still in here in Westminster. The gigs are going great, life is good. I miss my daughter like a piece of me has been cut off.

I woke up this morning and had one of those moments where I felt incredibly old and my life had passed me by. I worried that I was too old for stand up, too ancient for TV to even give me a chance, too ugly and fat to be considered for any film. It was a horrible empty evil place to be. Maybe I should have done all this years ago? I spent my entire twenties and a good chunk of my 30s running a bar, why should I get a second chance at life? My mammy didn’t she was dead at my age.

It’s strange, but I don’t see the older men in comedy worry about this. I am quite old amongst the female stand ups, but am not older than a lot of the guys. Why do I get so insecure?

Maybe I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and give myself a good kick up the ass?

I walked through Westminster today and joined the Liberty protestors who were trying to support the MPs who were against the latest law that the government decided to pass through Parliament. They wanted to raise the detention time of suspected terrorists up to 42 and the bastards managed it. It is a sad day for liberty in the UK.

I am beginning to hate the one eyed Protestant Gordon Brown more than I hated that closet Catholic Blair, stupid insecure men that seem to believe they have the ear of God yet cause more wars. Don’t even get me started on the Christian Bush!

If he exists, God must be sitting ‘up there’ saying “Hey, I know nothing about this and believe these men don’t hear my voice!”

I need to stop procrastinating and start being a bit more proactive about my life.

On a lighter note I was chatting to a woman I know in the street in Soho, I noticed in the harsh sunlight that she had a big brown ring around her chin and jaw line where her make up stopped abruptly.

It was like she had drawn a big brown pencil around her hairline and head and from ear to ear and simply coloured in her face with dark brown cream, her foundation was coffee coloured and her neck and décolletage was white and pasty.

I was really tempted to blend it all in and rub it down her neck line! It made me rush to a mirror and check mine, but I knew that was futile as I wear very little make up and for once I was pleased about that!

I was frustrated with myself that I didn’t tell her, but I didn’t know her well enough to be able to explain it to her, she may have taken offence.

It made me recall the time I met Rachel Weiss the actress in a toilet. Her beautiful black Chanel dress had chalk all over her bum area. Other famous women stood and stared at it and said nothing. I looked at her smiled and said “You have a big white chalky ass” she was horrified and I stood and patted her pert bum and cleaned it all off. She was so grateful and the other women looked away. “Only a real woman and true sister would have pointed that out, thanks” she kissed my cheek and left the toilet.

I feel bad I never helped the scary make up lady now!

So remember girls, blend-blend-blend! I never thought I would ever give out make up tips on my blog!

Hot Fun in London and the USA voting

Sorry the blog has been late, I am a lazy person.

I am in London for a few weeks work and it is amazing. I am staying at Westminster in the lush Crown Lawn flats again; I am not used to such luxury! Just lying in bed hearing Big Ben strike is awesome.

The weather here has been so sunny and hot. Yesterday husband and I went walking and I have a burnt neck. We inadvertently walked into a BBC outside broadcast in Battersea Park and my flip flop noises ruined the take, I had to walk back over and apologise to the crew. I was so embarrassed, they laughed and explained it was all fine, but I felt like a dick.

I have been to Corby doing a show and that was rainy and smelled, felt and sounded just like Glasgow. The car journey was hellish as the poor man who owned the car had dampness ad the windscreen was all smeary and vision was difficult. So we spent the whole journey wiping the inside as he drove through the dark rainy roads. Not my ideal journey, but I tried not to panic.

Headed down to the Groucho Club last night with Monica and chatted to some old mates and had a few drinks. It was a cool night out! I realised the best way to work out if you are famous is if the homeless guy outside recognises you and last night as soon as I stepped out for a ciggie he said “Hello Janey, how was New Zealand?” I know this has less to do with me being famous and more to do with me chatting to him months ago before I left London. But it felt good! Then I gave him some cash, it is a form of me paying a fan to recall me now….not a good thing I suspect!

Not much else has been happening, all in all a fine trip so far.

I miss Ashley; she is back in Glasgow doing her thing.

Meanwhile I have been glued to the news about the voting in the USA.

Has Hilary Clinton done a disservice to women in America by failing to beat Obama?
Did she gild her lily too far? Was she a victim of her own pretentious connections?

Some political analysts have commented as much, but with the word anal in your title makes me somehow doubt your job.

Hilary hasn’t taken women any further or taken us back by trying hard to get to the White House, by the way Mr Obama, there is a reason it’s called the White House and it’s got nothing to do with paint on the wall’s, it aint over till the fat men sing!

Women in any political arena going for the top potato title will always be faced with adversity and nit picking. Mrs Clinton was clawing her way through every single state like a well dressed beggar. A cookie seller in nice shoes.

I felt sorry for Hilary, much in the same way I felt pain for poor Obama, because he wasn’t dark enough for the black vote and not white enough for the average Americans. The USA finally got a black man who wouldn’t threaten the whites yet couldn’t quite get the confidence of his core black voters.

The guy really is stuck between a rock and hard face.

The whole situation divided people; they were either racist or sexist, not a good basis for a Presidential candidate.

In my opinion, a one legged blind asthmatic donkey can only improve on Bush.

Let’s see what happens next?