Monday, May 26, 2008

Tips for a happy marriage

Never ask ‘What are you thinking?” in case your man does in fact start to tell you. Most men have nothing in their head and just make stuff up like invading Daleks, stories about evil marmosets, sea monkeys and Premier league football.

Husband and I had a night out at a lovely five star hotel near Ayr when I was performing at The Burns Festival. There was nothing but trees swaying in the wind and some birds cheeping in the background. I felt it was a good time to ask him what he was thinking about.

“Well, I was wondering if marmosets are evil monkeys, I don’t like the look of them, and then I was imagining what the world would be like if Daleks did take over the world and then I wanted to see if there was football on the telly.
Sometimes I think about moths and wonder what the hell they are thinking about flocking to a bright light, you would think all moths would tell other moths to stay away from lights. The other night I was wondering if sea monkeys should still be on sale, as they are just tiny fleas and not really wee creatures that wear a crown and serve cookies to smiling sea monkey kids. It’s a con Janey. Do you ever think about that? I bought them and was really disappointed when I just bred water fleas, do you think flip flops are bad for your feet? I wore some years ago and they hurt”

I stared at husband and wished I hadn’t asked him anything at all. His head is full of utter shit. I am fully convinced that he just picked random subjects to talk about and blathered it all out to shut me up.

So my point is- don’t ask men what they are thinking, it’s a waste of time.

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