Someone has put up Christmas lights

I am looking out of my window here in Glasgow and across the road there is CHRISTMAS lights twinkling in someone’s flat, they are strung across the window frame…..it is only October for goodness sake!
We haven’t even had Halloween and yet FIREWORK’S are banging making Glasgow’s West End sound like Iraq, I can’t sleep for the constant banging outside.
Why is this happening?
Why don’t we make everything months in advance and let’s have a New Year Party on Monday?
Talking about Monday, I am so bloody nervous. It’s the huge party and announcement of Scotswoman of the Year of which I am a finalist. I still haven’t figured out an outfit, I still haven’t bothered to get a hair appointment ….I am so scared.
I am really honoured to be there but it is scary for me, I know everyone knows me as this chatty outspoken stand up comic but I am crap at parties and meeting complete strangers and often end up gibbering shit about three legged dogs and squirrels! Unless Ashley is with me, or my mate Monica, I sit quiet and people think I am being stand offish …..I know that sounds odd.

When Ashley and I went to NZ to the comedy festival, I was pretty quiet the first weeks there as I didn’t really know anyone in Wellington and backstage when all the comics got together I sat and played with the theatre’s cat.
When Ashley and I got back to the hotel she said “Mum, you need to be less unapproachable, you ignored everyone there and sat with that scary cat, some guys there asked me if you didn’t like them”

I was appalled that I had given that impression, but I do get very insular in small rooms with lots of people, especially being a comic…everyone expects you to do tumbles and pull a big magical joke out of your arse every five minutes. I did like the cat, he was a big fat ginger Tom who ran after me and then I fed him raw salmon which made him love me.
I did eventually get to know the other guys and they are awesome, but I am either extremely quiet or extremely chatty….never anywhere in between!

I have become a strange sleep recluse the last week also, which doesn’t help. Sometimes I get like this where I just spend all day asleep with a cover over my eyes to deny me any daylight to remind me what time of day has arrived. I sleep and sleep and slop about the house all tired and un-washed….maybe I am turning into Howard Hughes, fuck does that mean I am going to have to design a flying boat? Shit- that will take weeks to put together! Can I just shove Kleenex boxes on my feet and pee my shorts?

Even husband is getting distressed with my appearance.
“You are going to wash your hair for Monday night’s party aren’t you?” he asked tentatively.
“Yes, I am and don’t worry I know what to wear” I added as I tried to shove my toes into the end of an empty toilet roll tube (I have no Kleenex boxes).

Husband is not coming with me to the party as he HATES anything that involves publicity and virtually disappears when that stuff happens. I have four Film Premiers to go to in London, one meeting Ben Affleck and Bob Hoskins, husband has refused to go to any of them.

We go to London next week, that’s after I have survived Halloween, Guy Fawkes, Christmas, New Year, spring and summer here in Glasgow in the next three days!