“Why are you old and have funny hair?” my great
niece Julia asked me as she stroked the evil cat she calls a pet. She is only
five and doesn’t understand that I am allowed to still be alive and she also
doesn’t know that genetically she just might inherit my bushy fucked up hair.
“Why are you still alive little cheeky face?”
I laughed
back and she quickly replied “I am alive coz I know the numbers of days I have
left and I know yours as well” she stared intently at me with big eyes, then
walked away as she squeezed the cat firmly under her arm and banged the window with
one angry fist and a pigeon flew off in a startled flappy panic.
I think she might be Carrie from the horror film.
My point is Julia is a funny wee kid; she is startlingly
blonde with the bluest eyes and has the weirdest off beat sense of humour which
makes me happy to be her auntie, sometimes she tells me she can hear my bones
moaning. That’s not a sentence many five year olds get away with to me, but I
love her.
My bones are
moaning by the way, I am at that age when a noise happens when I bend down
sharply to pick up something as small as a hair grip or try and brush the back
of my bushy fucked up hair. My arms are like stiff doll arms – it’s an age
thing!
So 2012 is upon me and I have to better organised,
and by organised I mean I need to stop hiding paperwork under the couch and
actually physically dealing with it.
Everyone makes so many New Year resolutions; mine
are to stop dreaming that one day I will get to do physical expressive dance to
Supertramp live on TV and time to focus on real life and quit imagining that
George Clooney will like touching my boobs.
These are some of the things am planning to stick
to-I am going to try and catch the postman everytime he slides a card in my
letterbox telling me I wasn’t at home to receive a parcel, as he tiptoes away
from my door with my parcel.
I am going to make a concerted effort to stop
shouting at my husband when he gets up to go to the loo in the middle of the
night and knocks over the washing basket. And I promise not make that huffing
noise when he splashes on the floor round the loo bowl.
I am going to stop rolling my eyes everytime my
daughter Ashley talks about William Shatner and I promise I will stop
pretending he has died and I had heard it just then on the news.
I will definitely try and book rail travel 300 days
in advance so that a simple cross country train journey doesn’t cost more than
a daily drug deal for Oasis circa 1997.
From now on I will stop buying clothes that fit a
woman called Gwyneth who is thin, willowy and doesn’t live in my house and
start buying clothes that can fit my body which is the shape of a sturdy yet
stumpy box.
I will stop shouting FUCK OFF CUNTS at the TV when
anyone called Kardashian or Jersey Shore or TOWIE comes on and will calm myself
down by pretending William Shatner is dead and telling this to Ashley, you see
that’s a big distraction as I have explained before.
I will give up moaning about the phenomenon that is
cupcakes- ok here is my last rant, they are just muffins with glittery
expensive icing- stop charging £5 for that shit ok?
So there we have some of my intentions for the New
Year. Hope you like them and if you get bored follow me on twitter @janeygodley
