Things I told my Daughter

1. Never shave your pubes for a man, if he likes naked pubed women he probably likes naked kids.

2. Never laugh at a man's jokes to make him feel good, you will spend your life pretending he is funny and he might want to take up comedy, the world doesn't need that.

3. Always be your honest self, if a bloke doesn't like it, you need to know soon- as pretending you like horses, skiing and vegetarian food is a lifelong commitment and fucking hard work.

4. Never pretend you are somewhere else to appease a man, if you need to lie, you will be doing it forever.

5. Never fake an orgasm, it's like buying a beautiful coat and just using it to piss on. Just be honest.

6. If a man ever tells you that you look fat or ugly naked never take that on board always assume his mother tucked his penis into his pants until he was 14 years old and kissed his mouth too much.

7. Always compliment a man as much as you expect to be complimented, it's not a one way street.

8. If you believe your boyfriend is right stick up for him, your pals won't always be right.

9. Never settle for mediocre and always encourage any man you are with to do the same, find someone who is worth being with and is worth you.

10. Have sex whenever and with whoever you want, your own sexual self worth is your business and nobody else's and anyone who judges is a cunt.

11. Never poke fun at a man for the amusement of your friends, being cruel is such a horrid trait and nobody else's son should suffer other people's insecurities.

12. Always offer to pay on a date, never take a drink from someone when you cannot buy it back, equality works two ways.

13. Be kind, you were brought up to be kind and that comes back to you.

14. If a man displays any kind of homophobia, racism or religious fervour... never bring him home to meet me and change your identity to get away from him if needs be.

This is me

I HAD cause to be in the Western Infirmary's accident and emergency unit in Glasgow recently. A huge fat teenager in his best sports wear (maybe he was in training for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games, in the running-with-a-knife event?) came in behind me. He obviously wasn't getting the immediate attention he deserved, what with his swagger (maybe he had a dislocated hip?) anyway....I disliked him because he sneered at me.

 

His fist clenched he banged on the counter and demanded that someone look at him. The woman on the reception was busy writing something down and carried on with her work.

 

He let rip a foul tirade of abuse at the wee woman.  I would like to call her sassy Susan, she was wearing a tall bee hive blonde hair do and that amazing bright pink lip liner that you just know she can do with one hand and no mirror.

 

She merely bent down and pressed a button under the counter, then she smiled at him and slammed the glass window shut.

 

Three seconds later, five policemen came out and hustled him to the door.

 

"My da' is fucking  dying!" he yelled. The cops ignored him "I will you tube tis you bastards"

The cops laughed and said "hey YOU tube....move it".

 

 I love that in Glasgow we use the word TUBE as an insult....

 

Just then, the double doors to the exit banged open and there stood an old man with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He had bare, mottled legs and was wearing a dirty old towelling robe and jangling enough gold bracelets to justify being Glasgow's oldest white rapper.

 

 "Son," he spoke quietly, "give yer da' a light for his fag and stop annoying the polis."

Might not be pretty representation of Glasgow- but these are my people and this is my Scotland.

 

There is the other side as well, head to the West End and the nice mung bean cous-cous side of town and meet the folk who like to knit yoga mats....but people despite appearances can all be pains in the ass. Yet am proud of Scotland, you know why?

 

That irritating closet racist and homophobe and UKIP leader Nigel Farage (weird name for a man who hates all things European) came to Edinburgh recently to rally some troops for his 'party' and was promptly run out of town. Yes an angry mob gave him short shift, they may have been loud, raucous and sweary....but they did it.

 

The UKIP can maintain their 'we aren't racist' stance but it doesn't wash in Scotland - we have a saying "don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining" and that Mr Farage is what we hate about liars....the fact you assume we don't know you.

 

So life goes on, am looking forward to June firstly me and Ashley (my comedy daughter) are performing at Rock Ness festival....I can't tell you how much this worries me, am scared of moths, but it will be immense fun.

 

I still hate camping though and then on June 22nd I will be recording my one woman show at The Comedy Cafe Theatre in Rivington street East London.

 

I can't wait to do this, as so many people have asked me can they buy recordings of shows and I had none. I had done a few shaky video's of my shows but nothing that could be sold.

 

Producing and selling without a BIG MAJOR distributor is the way forward for comics and this way, we can support a small indie company AND get my show on CD

 

So now the awesome people at The Comedy Cafe Theatre are going to get this done. If you want to see it live, check out the gigs list on my website and buy tickets and come along.  

 

 

So thanks for reading, if you want follow me on twitter @JaneyGodley for updates.