It came to my attention recently that I was being too hard on a rowdy audience. I took a step back and had a rethink, I have never been over the top horrible to anyone in a comedy crowd - I have never walked out and said "You cunt shut up" with total malice and contempt in my voice-having said that if there are a bunch of blokes who are shouting "show us your tits " as soon a I step onstage, I have been hammered into them, then I pat their head for being good and get the audience to applaud their good behaviour much in the way i do with kids. My Scottish accent does make it sound harsher I know this.
Though it's odd when male MC and male comic's hit the stage and say to women " Your tits are gorgeous can I come on them later" or "You all look like hookers from here girls" "Shut up tart" "you gay boy you fancy me" "Hey cunt shut up I don’t come to your job down the docks and knock the cock out of your mouth" everyone laughs and so they should as it is all playful banter, it only seems to mean something bad when I say it.
When you MC gigs it is your job to control a crowd. If they are being nasty and mean to people and the show managers or staff ignore them, then really it is up to you to stop the screaming mad people so the acts can come on. Having said that it can be really horrible trying to shut up ten drunk men who scream in unison without having to give them a bit of dominatrix / be nice/ shut up/ yes I like sucking cock/ now shoosh/ type of banter back.
And Yes I have used the cunt word onstage but never screamed at someone in anger and fever pitch rage-but I also tell them immediately that cunt is a term of affection in Scotland and we call new born babies cute cunts.Strangely the men who abuse me most onstage and get a good tongue lashing back are the ones who after the show congratulate me for having fun.
Now the downside to that is, you don’t want to create an argumental slagging match as an MC as they shouters then think it is ok to do that with the acts coming on- so I tell them, if you need to scream out wait I come on and we can have a bit of a banter. It sometimes works, it sometimes doesn’t and sometimes people are just cunts and won’t shut up and shouldn’t be in a comedy club to begin with and the staff should sort them out.
My reputation has always been that I am aggressive, Michael Legge is convinced I have a penis and has said so in his blogs and I LOVE him for it, because it personifies exactly what I am trying to say...If I stand up to people and sort out a rowdy crowd then I cant be a woman I must be a man!That's fine and I like that theory.
I am not saying I get it right every time, I am not saying that every night I control, bite back and handle a rowdy crowd that I have been spot on the money, I am sure there have been nights when a confrontational atmosphere has seeped in because I answered back. I am just saying that I am learning as I go and I don’t have the advantage of being pretty or unthreatening, I am older, I am fat and I have an answer to loud blokes who don’t normally believe that women should be comics....that isn’t a bad thing.
I just hate it when an act has a hard time on my watch and I feel very responsible when it happens.
I am going to start wearing dresses, lose hundreds of weight, never swear again, I might pretend to be educated and own a pony, I will be quiet and demure, I will still be funny though, there's no reason I cant be, I am not sure yet...it might work and people will never ever call me aggressive again.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Me and George Clooney
My Facebook profile photo is the wee snap of me and the sexy George Clooney. You can go check it if you so desire, just type my name into Facebook search and you will clock me and the delicious man himself.
Now, loads of people have contacted me by email and asked me about the star crossed meeting of me and Mr Clooney or ‘Geordie-Boy’ as I like to call him!
It was at the BAFTA film awards in 2006 and I spotted him in my peripheral vision as he walking alongside me.
We were almost walking side by side as we both headed to the toilets. People were staring, taking photos and generally pointing and some sexy women even practically ‘presented’ to him.
I quickened my pace to get in front of him and out of the way so people staring didn’t have to suffer the wee Scottish woman in their much beloved photos. Just at that moment he quickened his pace as he probably need a pee. He ended up right beside me again and I was like a wee Geisha in high heels as well trying to totter off at speed.
He caught up beside me and I smiled, turned to him and said “Stop flirting with me George Clooney, you have been doing it all night”
He burst out laughing, a nice genuine laugh as he took the cheeky joke on board, he reached over and took my arm as if he was escorting me to the loos. That made me like him, as he could have balked and huffed off.
“Nice accent” he spoke quietly as he smiled and acknowledged the people he encountered on our way to the loo. It was now within sight, we both walked quicker, people cleared a path for us.
“I loved your movie Good night and Good Luck” I said.
“Thank you, what do you do?” he stopped in the doorway of the toilets.
We were now surrounded by make up artists who were giving women and men a free make up thingy, that I didn’t quite understand.
“I am a comedian” I answered as the ladies from MAC cosmetics gasped and pointed at George.
“Really? Like live stand up?” he asked as a woman started taking photo’s on her phone.
“Listen I really need to go to the loo” he interrupted himself.
“Do you need any help in there?” I giggled.
He laughed heartily and cheekily offered me to come into the gent’s toilet and the MAC cosmetic ladies all shrieked and clapped. He held the toilet door open and said “I dare you”
“I have seen a penis before” I shouted with laughter and headed off to the ladies next door to the gents.
We both came out of the loos at the same time. The MAC cosmetic girls were huddled round him and taking photos. George came over chatted a bit about comedy then the cosmetic girl offered to take our photo, George agreed and she took my phone. The reason I am pointing in the photo is that I was trying to point out where the fucking button was on the phone “fucking hell you mad bitch how hard is it to work the camera on a phone” I screeched and George kept laughing at me swearing at the dumbass heavily made up girl.
So that’s why I look aggressively mad in the pic and he looks laid back and happy.
He told me he liked women that swore in Scottish and asked me to say “fucking hell ya mad bitch” again, just so he could laugh again.
He kissed my cheek, held my hand tightly, then said “Good Night and Good Luck Janey” and headed off.
Now, loads of people have contacted me by email and asked me about the star crossed meeting of me and Mr Clooney or ‘Geordie-Boy’ as I like to call him!
It was at the BAFTA film awards in 2006 and I spotted him in my peripheral vision as he walking alongside me.
We were almost walking side by side as we both headed to the toilets. People were staring, taking photos and generally pointing and some sexy women even practically ‘presented’ to him.
I quickened my pace to get in front of him and out of the way so people staring didn’t have to suffer the wee Scottish woman in their much beloved photos. Just at that moment he quickened his pace as he probably need a pee. He ended up right beside me again and I was like a wee Geisha in high heels as well trying to totter off at speed.
He caught up beside me and I smiled, turned to him and said “Stop flirting with me George Clooney, you have been doing it all night”
He burst out laughing, a nice genuine laugh as he took the cheeky joke on board, he reached over and took my arm as if he was escorting me to the loos. That made me like him, as he could have balked and huffed off.
“Nice accent” he spoke quietly as he smiled and acknowledged the people he encountered on our way to the loo. It was now within sight, we both walked quicker, people cleared a path for us.
“I loved your movie Good night and Good Luck” I said.
“Thank you, what do you do?” he stopped in the doorway of the toilets.
We were now surrounded by make up artists who were giving women and men a free make up thingy, that I didn’t quite understand.
“I am a comedian” I answered as the ladies from MAC cosmetics gasped and pointed at George.
“Really? Like live stand up?” he asked as a woman started taking photo’s on her phone.
“Listen I really need to go to the loo” he interrupted himself.
“Do you need any help in there?” I giggled.
He laughed heartily and cheekily offered me to come into the gent’s toilet and the MAC cosmetic ladies all shrieked and clapped. He held the toilet door open and said “I dare you”
“I have seen a penis before” I shouted with laughter and headed off to the ladies next door to the gents.
We both came out of the loos at the same time. The MAC cosmetic girls were huddled round him and taking photos. George came over chatted a bit about comedy then the cosmetic girl offered to take our photo, George agreed and she took my phone. The reason I am pointing in the photo is that I was trying to point out where the fucking button was on the phone “fucking hell you mad bitch how hard is it to work the camera on a phone” I screeched and George kept laughing at me swearing at the dumbass heavily made up girl.
So that’s why I look aggressively mad in the pic and he looks laid back and happy.
He told me he liked women that swore in Scottish and asked me to say “fucking hell ya mad bitch” again, just so he could laugh again.
He kissed my cheek, held my hand tightly, then said “Good Night and Good Luck Janey” and headed off.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Castles, Charity Rabbits and other things
It used to be the strongest people in the town that defended a castle, men who poured hot oil over the stone walls or shot you with a fast arrow, not in Cardiff.
Their castle has a skinny job-seeker-trainee in acrylic who merely stepped aside when I walked past without paying £8 to see broken stuff of olden days.
The job seeker got all edgy and asked “Have you paid for the castle?”
“No, I think your national trust fund and private donations do that, but I haven’t paid to go in if that’s what you mean” I answered.
“Can you leave then?” he asked politely, so I did. I left politely.
I don’t see why we have to pay to get into castle’s I refuse to do it.
I took some pics of it from the outside. By the way before anyone gets all nippy about my not paying to get in to Cardiff Castle- I have never paid to get into Edinburgh Castle either; castles should be free, I pay enough tax to get into them for free, that’s all I am saying!
The only flight to Glasgow from Cardiff is at 8pm at night, so thankfully the hotel let me have a 3pm checkout, which is awesome as it can get frustrating hanging about Cardiff with its big expensive castle and cold whippy tear inducing wind.
I have booked my flight to LA in January, I am going over for ten days and am severely looking forward to that! A wee break is just what is needed in my busy life. In January I turn 48 years old which means by then I will have outlived my mammy by almost a whole year, which I have been anticipating since she died at 47 in 1982. I always imagined I too would die young, yet see me! I am still alive!
Last week I bought a goat, chickens and rabbits on the Stepping Stones Nigeria website as social conscience Christmas gifts for all the wee kids in my family. Wee funny great niece Abi, was rather unimpressed.
“So, you got rabbits for poor kids in Nigeria and then they eat them, what kind of nasty thing is that to give as a gift?” she asked. Bear in mind Abi has a rabbit of her own and it took us ages to explain to this lovely wee five year old the benefits of her giving up a Christmas toy so a small abused child can eat, she did eventually get it, but I can still see her face trying to make sense of it all.
When I showed her the website for the Stepping Stones Nigeria charity site, and explained all about small kids being abused as they were suspected of being witches and wizards, she gulped and took back every selfish thing she had said and begged me to pledge more cash. Poor wee soul. Kids here in the UK really don’t understand how really blessed they are until you point it out.
The good news is that some of my blog mates and friends have taken note of the link I sent them about the charity and have been sending cash and mobile phones to help out, so THANKS everyone- I appreciate you taking the time to help. Every penny will help a child and that’s a good thing!
Their castle has a skinny job-seeker-trainee in acrylic who merely stepped aside when I walked past without paying £8 to see broken stuff of olden days.
The job seeker got all edgy and asked “Have you paid for the castle?”
“No, I think your national trust fund and private donations do that, but I haven’t paid to go in if that’s what you mean” I answered.
“Can you leave then?” he asked politely, so I did. I left politely.
I don’t see why we have to pay to get into castle’s I refuse to do it.
I took some pics of it from the outside. By the way before anyone gets all nippy about my not paying to get in to Cardiff Castle- I have never paid to get into Edinburgh Castle either; castles should be free, I pay enough tax to get into them for free, that’s all I am saying!
The only flight to Glasgow from Cardiff is at 8pm at night, so thankfully the hotel let me have a 3pm checkout, which is awesome as it can get frustrating hanging about Cardiff with its big expensive castle and cold whippy tear inducing wind.
I have booked my flight to LA in January, I am going over for ten days and am severely looking forward to that! A wee break is just what is needed in my busy life. In January I turn 48 years old which means by then I will have outlived my mammy by almost a whole year, which I have been anticipating since she died at 47 in 1982. I always imagined I too would die young, yet see me! I am still alive!
Last week I bought a goat, chickens and rabbits on the Stepping Stones Nigeria website as social conscience Christmas gifts for all the wee kids in my family. Wee funny great niece Abi, was rather unimpressed.
“So, you got rabbits for poor kids in Nigeria and then they eat them, what kind of nasty thing is that to give as a gift?” she asked. Bear in mind Abi has a rabbit of her own and it took us ages to explain to this lovely wee five year old the benefits of her giving up a Christmas toy so a small abused child can eat, she did eventually get it, but I can still see her face trying to make sense of it all.
When I showed her the website for the Stepping Stones Nigeria charity site, and explained all about small kids being abused as they were suspected of being witches and wizards, she gulped and took back every selfish thing she had said and begged me to pledge more cash. Poor wee soul. Kids here in the UK really don’t understand how really blessed they are until you point it out.
The good news is that some of my blog mates and friends have taken note of the link I sent them about the charity and have been sending cash and mobile phones to help out, so THANKS everyone- I appreciate you taking the time to help. Every penny will help a child and that’s a good thing!
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