So I am Home

You have no idea how good it is to be with my daughter Ashley, she GETS me, she talks fast, she finishes my sentences and makes me laugh like no one else and I love her so much it hurts. We sat there on the sofa and we chatted and she got a whole conversation in about “How did the TV people meetings go? How were the gigs? Did I speak clear? Was I funny? Did I call the journalist that called today? Did I mention to them about my show in NZ? Did I talk to the promoters for Edinburgh festival? Did I pay my cheques into the bank?”
Husband sits on the sidelines trying to chip in with “Look at the scarf I got”
As Ashley snaps her two fingers at him to shut up as ‘we are talking and we will get back to you and that scarf in a minute’ he gets it and hushes as she carries on updating everything and processing it all quickly in her head and making comments,
Husband can never do all that so fast, he has to analyse everything and slowly talk through it…how I miss her quick talk!
Had fun on the flight coming home…husband sat away from me as he needed leg room and I sat alone. As the flight landed, and I mean after it landed and was taxiing into the place where planes park to let us off, I switched my phone on and took a call from a very popular TV show that are asking me to come on a s a guest…it was exciting news and I listened to the answer machine message.
I watched the plane come to a full stop and as I stood up after the seat belt sign clicked off a big man in a checked shirt in front of me was standing up already and said “You are not supposed to turn you phone on when the plane is taxiing”
Everyone looked at me as they were struggling and rushing (why, the fucking plane doors aren’t opened, you won’t get off any faster) they all stared at me in hushed silence.
“Yes, I know I almost made the plane crash in mid flight as it was on the ground…shut up, mind your business, the pilot is probably on his mobile, it is scientifically proven that it wont interfere and we ARE ON THE GROUND”
He stood there and repeated it “You are not supposed to switch on your phone”
Ok I know this but we were almost at a stop, so I added “What’s wrong? are you a frustrated airhostess?”
By this time people were so close to us and watching it unfold, husband was shaking his head across the aisle as he knew I would not back down
“I was trying to see how my mum was doing in hospital” I added with a sad face. Now I know that wrong and my mum is dead but he was annoying me and I was determined to win this, even if I had to hit below the belt.
The airhostess looked at us and said “What is going on?”
“That man had a rant at me for using my phone as the plane was on the ground taxiing, I feel vulnerable and my mum is in hospital, and whilst we are at it, he got out of his seat before the seat belt sign went off” The airhostess looked at him and shook her head.
I won. I am not proud of my obstinate behaviour but give me a break.
He looked down and shuffled off…I mean please do intervene if someone is running up the plane with a hand axe trying to kill the staff, but fuck off if I am using my phone…I am not putting anyone’s life in danger, especially after the plane is at a virtual stop…incidentally there were four other people using phones, all men…he never said anything to them.

Leaving London….

Well it’s been fun being here, I do love London and am back next weekend for the Malcolm Hardee Tribute night at Hackney Empire. Malcolm was a comedy promoter and all round South London Pirate who died tragically this time last year. You can read all about him here www.malcolmhardee.co.uk

He was a fabulous nutter of a man, who was loved by many.

So I am looking forward to coming back for the gig, and I will be honoured to play at such a great gig with so many great names on the bill.

This week will be mental as I am starting my workshops for “Comedy for Confidence” with young kids in Glasgow, helping them using comedy skills to hopefully give them an alternative to sitting on their asses and possibly getting involved in drugs…though how effective that will be I don’t really know.
I also have dental appointments to get these nasty teeth fixed, I have meetings with a charity I am involved in and a press call…then I am off to Aberdeen to gig and flying straight from there to London!

I don’t know if I will have time to piss to be honest…
I have had great gigs in London, the one woman show at Red Rose Comedy club was a great night, I so love doing the whole hour as opposed to the short sets that I do in some clubs.

Had lunch with Monica today and she gave me some lovely birthday gifts, am amazing tub of Clarins body mousse and expensive mascara, that Ashley will promptly borrow from me and never return. So clever Monica bought me THREE of them to ensure I at least got one. I don’t like anyone else using my eye make up in case I get an infection, as that happened before at the BAFTA TV and Film awards in 2001.

I was in the fancy VIP toilets and a famous actress (she who shall not be named) asked me if she could borrow my make up to touch up and I reluctantly agreed. That week I got a big stye in my eye and I am convinced she gave it to me.

Now if I wanted to catch an infectious disease from a famous person then I want it to be ‘crabs’ from Colin Farrell…not a fucking eye zit from some silly girl who forgot to bring a handbag!

So I will be back at the BAFTA awards this month and am so looking forward to it. I am not taking make up with me, if it doesn’t stay on my face then fuck it…I am not re-applying it over and over again.
Talk to you all from Glasgow.

Getting ready for a gig