Age and Times

It really is a small world, as we were driving into Manchester yesterday, we got a bit lost and contrary to popular belief, men can ask for directions! Well actually I can ask for directions after being directed by husband to do so! We always get a bit lost when we get into new cities, and as we slowed down in the busy traffic, I spotted a guy to ask but noticed he had head phones on so the next person approaching answered as I yelled "Excuse me!".

The young woman came over to the car. She smiled and said "Hello Janey Godley!"

It was Lucy Porter! Stand up comic from London, Lucy was in town to perform at Comedy Store. It was nice to stop and chat, I like Lucy.

At the gig last night we were talking about our ages and our parents. This got me thinking more about who I am at this age.

Women my age (44) are generally described as the 'Punk Generation'. We are old enough to have been teenagers when the real Punk wave hit Britain in 1977. We are women who by now have had our big 'White Wedding' and are possibly onto our second marriage, we will have paid the bigger part of our mortgage, our kids are now young adults and according to latest statistics we will probably have had two lovers and one abortion.

I feel cheated on the two lover thing and am happy to have missed the abortion but I do agree with the other statistics.

We are not the 44 year old women our mothers were, my own mother had grey hair, none of her own teeth, had more wrinkles and was considered ancient at 44 back in 1979. She was an old woman according to me at the time. I was just 18 that year and I thought she had lived her life and was now relegated to being a granny that made soup and would now watch as her children got married and brought home the wee babies for her to sing to.

I didn't know she was still sexually active, and possibly had ambitions. In 1979 I didnt know that she only had three more years to live. Had I known that then I would have spent more time with her.

Women my age in this century have an upper hand. We have better skin care, more awareness of diet, better health screening, and are more valued in the work place than our mothers. Women in their forties are no longer considered menopausal nightmares and are now climbing the corporate ladder, they no longer require childcare and have no guilt about working longer hours with more committment to the job and the 1980's under achieving jealous annyoing spouse has either been divorced or has finally grown up.

The only problem I can see is where we fit in in the fashion sense. You only have to look at Patsy Kensit, Lesley Ash and Carole Vordeman to see that 'Looking good' does mean 'Mutton Dressed as Lamb' or resort to fattening up your lips to clown status.

Real women my age have a bit of a short fall where clothes buying comes in. All the high street stores are geared to the 'Sienna Miller' gypsy look, I cannot wear that hip 1970's stuff...it doesn't work and you cannot wear wrap over tea dress's as they do make me look like my maiden Aunt and you cant do 'ironic' at 44.

My dress sense falls somewhere between 'Hip street/angry teenage lesbian/flowery baggy woman who keeps too many cats.

I do wish fashion houses would design something that can understand older women have breasts that are no longer 'above' the Empire line, that real woman do have hips and we all dont want to look like Bet Lynch in leopard print wrapover dresses this summer.

I am old enough to enjoy sex without the stress now, most women my age have realised by now what they like, how they like it and when they want it.

I know what bits of my body dont look as good and I now know how to ignore it and enjoy the moment.

The 1980's are over- we have done the whole sex with high heels and red lipstick shit and we aint going back. We want Egyptian cotton sheets, Jo Malone body cream, a decent music collection, some good long sex and if the man in our lives can no longer provide it, we are self assured and wealthy enough to go get it ourselves.

I feel like I have just delivered my first party politcal broadcast! Vote for me!

Must dash and go to get ready for the gig.

Manchester and no sex

I wrote 'No sex' at the top of this blog bcause I am officially very old, I slipped in the hotel's bath and hurt my leg! Whooppee...I am an old woman who needs bath aids, maybe a non slip grip handle or a stick rubber mat.

The weather was lovely yesterday, I read the reports of rampant bank holiday sunshine....and yes I awoke to RAIN...

I had a nice gig last the acts went down very well, Todd Sawyer the US comic is very dry humoured and funny, George Egg was hysterical and Gina Yashere was just brilliant, she really did rip the roof off the gig.

I am in a shitty Thistle Hotel and am thinking that as I travel in these really good/really shit hotels I should actually be a hotel reviewer.

Was excited yesterday as I saw El Presidente on GMTV it was nice to my mate Dante in full swing then I saw Heston Blumental on telly -he is my mate Monica's client and just been voted the 'Worlds Best Restaurant' ( I do know famous people) Then I watched Andrew Neil (Newspaper media mogul) and I recalled how he used to drink in my bar years ago and he like me is from Shettelston which yesterday according to Department of Health is YET AGAIN the worst place to stay in Europe!

If you live in Shettleston ten years will come off your life! Thank fuck I moved out!

Manchester tonight again...sorry this is short but I am in Easyeverything and there is a big fat sweaty man in acrylic beside me looking at 'Animals who like sex' on some webpage and I no longer ever want to see a horse like that again

( my own fault for looking at his screen)

Janey (running downstairs to get cleansed in the Manchester rain)

how to work me FAQ

After all these years of marriage, you would think husband would know by now how to understand some 'Trigger signs'?

Well...No he doesn't. Even when I unleash the hormonal cloven hoofed hell that comes out of my mouth on these ever frequent occasions, he continues.

My daughter likened him to one of those confused lab rats, who despite being shocked by a small voltage every time they nibble food at the electric wire they keep going back and doing the same thing over and over.

When he says something really fucked up and annoying she whispers 'Thats right wee white rat, keep prodding your nose against the wire' or 'Ok heading for the shock again lab rat'

In last years blog I gave out some HOW TO WORK JANEY TIPS here is some more..for my husband...

tip 1) If I looked bloated and there is a red ring around my waist that indicates my knickers have become 'tools of the devil' and they are threatening to slice me like cheese wire DO NOT SAY " Are you too fat for those sexy knickers I bought you last year?"

tip 2) When I burn my hair trying to straighten it and cry at my curls DO NOT SAY " I love it when you look like a bushy woman, just leave it curly like Tina Turner, she loves her hair curly and it makes you look like Roseanne".

tip 3) NEVER SAY AGAIN IN PUBLIC "Janey is really weird coz she can even snore whilst lying on her side".

tip 4) Never be stupid enough to be offering a six foot three stand up comic one of my leather belts to hold up his jeans when his snapped because you think that I am the same waist size as a fifteen stone man.

tip 5) When you think I am really asleep, and you can tell this as I am snoring on my side, NEVER EVER assume that if you put your freezing cold hands on my boobs, that will tempt me to become awake and maybe turn around and kiss you.

tip 6) If I am ever pushed to buying make up in front you in a store NEVER EVER SAY TO THE ASSISTANT-"Please dont let my wife buy this incase she ends up looking like you do with all that purple stuff on your eyes..have you been too near a smokey fire?...why is that eye stuff 26 pounds?"

tip 7) If I want to pay fifty quid getting a back massage, you shouting you will 'rub me' for fifty pence is not funny.

tip 8) NEVER EVER assume that I want fucking 'lavender bath salts' as a birthday present, I will never get over that humiliation in January at my birthday. I wanted an IPOD and despite shouting it at you for three weeks prior, you still never got the hint. I bought it myself.

tip 9) NEVER look at old photo's of me and say' That was the years when you could really bend your legs and you didn't have a wee moustache"

tip 10) Always make me tea when you are busy and I want it, always ignore me when I cry about my mental hair ( but dont try to run your fingers through it, it's like a badger trap) Always tell me you love me, even when I feel too fat to bend down to tie my shoes. Always pretend to be interested when I tell you what happened on the way to the shops. Always do that nice thing when you put your hand on my thigh when you sleep, even when i am on the other side of the bed, you make contact. Always do that.

I will try to be less annoying and shouty.