Yesterday was just as mental as possible. I left my Chelsea apartment at 3pm and headed up to Borehamwood to meet with John my manager who would be driving me to Birmingham for my gig there at 9pm.
As soon as I got off the train at Kings Cross I saw the message posted on the wall explaining that the train I wanted had been cancelled and I had to go through Kentish Town instead. So I dragged my tired arse up to Kentish Town, came out of the station and was crushed by around 8 million drunk pissed antipodeans who were mostly all wearing a sweater that said “Church”.
That confused as me as what Sunday Church serves that amount of alcohol? A turn out Church was a club! Silly old me.
I managed to get to the right platform to get the train up to Borehamwood and came upon a very young boy, spectacles hanging off his faces, wearing a Railway uniform, cheap tie askew shouting through a megaphone some mumbled words as hundreds of people jostled and shoved him around trying to find out where the replacement train was.
A big baldy headed man dragging a giant awkward Alsatian on a thick chain ran towards the young befuddled train boy. The dogs nails were skidding and its legs scattering all over the concrete walkway, its tongue hanging out and breathing madly – it managed to mount the young man’s leg as he tried to cope with multitude of frustrated commuters. The place was chaos.
I gave up and called John to come collect me from Kentish town and drive straight to Birmingham from there. We hit the road at 5pm and even before we got to Milton Keynes the traffic had slowed to a complete standstill. The dark skies were full of magnificent fireworks bursting over the beautiful red slashed sunset that fell over London. Still the cars never moved.
I started to panic, time was ticking, and we were doing 3 miles an hour for over two hours. I was due on stage at 9pm and it was now 8.50pm. We could not work out why the traffic was so slow then we came upon four huge lorries lying on their side, windows smashed, glass everywhere mixed with blood on the dented windscreen and suddenly my anxiousness to get to the gig was replaced with utter horror at the gnarled machines that had crashed on that road ahead of us. It really did put my petty stress at being late into perspective!
The gig was really cool, a lovely gay gig at the Nightingale bar. The audience were such good people and had waited patiently for me to arrive. I appreciate that.
After the gig I was off to be a guest at Kerrang! Radio, live in the studio, Tim Shaw is an amazing shock jock, yet he handled the interview about my past life and my comedy with amazing sensitivity and asked me outright questions no other live radio presenter had dared…..and whilst we were discussing child abuse, my mothers murder..Etc….the two glamour girls in the studio stripped naked! It was so very funny.
I was sitting with naked girls and having the best laugh ever.
Then Tim and I decided to tell the audience that I was going to go topless…I called husband live and asked him what he thought of my tit shot on radio and he just hung up laughing (he was annoyed that I even needed his opinion on this! If I wanna strip for another man then that’s my prerogative!)
Anyway Tim set it up for the listeners and I pretended to get my baps out…of course I didn’t it was a joke….but my brother was listening in back in Scotland and called me this morning horrified that I had got my boobs out on radio!
My daughter Ashley is mortified yet again, she loves Kerrang! And can’t believe I spoke about my breasts and even suggested getting them out with her fav DJ.
I am never going to grow old gracefully am I?
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Meeting the World’s most amazing director…
My London trip is going amazingly well. Other than walking miles with husband who just ‘loves walking’ …I do enjoy the strolls through Hyde Park but we almost got into a fist fight with a cyclist. Husband knows how scared I get on busy roads and held my hand walking across High Street Kensington pedestrian crossing. The green man flashed for us to cross and the red light kept the traffic at bay, yet a cyclist ignored the light and peddled straight through and almost knocked me on my ass. He then slowed down and mounted the pavement and got off his bike, and started to walk off.
“What are you doing?” shouted husband.
The man in tight bright Lycra cycling outfit turned round and shouted to my husband “Do you have something you want to say?”
Husband rushed towards him, me in tow.
I spoke first “Look mate the red light was on and you….” I started to say
The guy looked at me with disdain and butted in “I was dismounting”
Husband let go of my hand and threw himself at the man shouting “You fucking lying arse, the lights were red, you went through them, you almost hit my wife and now you fucking stand there trying to justify it by saying you were getting off your bike, I will fucking wrap your shite bike right around your skinny bright green legs”
The man jumped back on his bike quicker than you could say angry Scottish person and sped off almost knocking people like skittles on the pavement and shot off into the distance.
So that drama over I had a great sleep last night and arrived at BBC Radio studios this morning to take part in ‘Loose ends’ on BBC radio 4. The amazing actress Rachel Stirling was a guest and also the most wonderful director Sir Alan Parker, he of Evita and Midnight Express fame, oh and Fame the movie! He was so nice to meet and chat to, I was overwhelmed but he put me at ease! How good is my job getting to meet such interesting people?
The other astounding guest was Derren Brown; he is UK’s foremost mind bending, stunt magician.
During the radio show I shoved a note over to him that read ‘ give me the lottery numbers now’ and there was a wee drawing that I had done of me sticking an axe into his head in a mock threat….and HE sent back the note with six numbers on them! So we will see!
We went to the pub afterwards and Sir Alan Parker sat there for a while having a good old chinwag, I adore his work and feel privileged to get to know him a wee but more.
He told me that my comedy stint was wonderful and remarked that comedy in such a small room to such a small amount of people must be the hardest job in the world and I made it look easy! How nice!
I was out last night at Groucho with best mate Monica. We sat and ate chips and talked shit for ages (that’s what we do) and finally caught up with each others gossip. She is so busy nowadays and it was really great to just sit down and be together without phones or work or staff or managers or comedy people getting in the way!
I did bring along Easy Living Magazine as this months issue (December) has a great article inside about me! (It’s always about me me me) the photo shoot was lovely and I do look nice in it, except I seem to have loads of make up on! I will upload the pic as soon as I can.
Must go - Aspergers man is asking me what kind of Apple pie do I want? Apple Sponge-Apple Crumble-Apple Puff? Cold Custard or Cream?
It’s making me crazy….I just want pudding!
“What are you doing?” shouted husband.
The man in tight bright Lycra cycling outfit turned round and shouted to my husband “Do you have something you want to say?”
Husband rushed towards him, me in tow.
I spoke first “Look mate the red light was on and you….” I started to say
The guy looked at me with disdain and butted in “I was dismounting”
Husband let go of my hand and threw himself at the man shouting “You fucking lying arse, the lights were red, you went through them, you almost hit my wife and now you fucking stand there trying to justify it by saying you were getting off your bike, I will fucking wrap your shite bike right around your skinny bright green legs”
The man jumped back on his bike quicker than you could say angry Scottish person and sped off almost knocking people like skittles on the pavement and shot off into the distance.
So that drama over I had a great sleep last night and arrived at BBC Radio studios this morning to take part in ‘Loose ends’ on BBC radio 4. The amazing actress Rachel Stirling was a guest and also the most wonderful director Sir Alan Parker, he of Evita and Midnight Express fame, oh and Fame the movie! He was so nice to meet and chat to, I was overwhelmed but he put me at ease! How good is my job getting to meet such interesting people?
The other astounding guest was Derren Brown; he is UK’s foremost mind bending, stunt magician.
During the radio show I shoved a note over to him that read ‘ give me the lottery numbers now’ and there was a wee drawing that I had done of me sticking an axe into his head in a mock threat….and HE sent back the note with six numbers on them! So we will see!
We went to the pub afterwards and Sir Alan Parker sat there for a while having a good old chinwag, I adore his work and feel privileged to get to know him a wee but more.
He told me that my comedy stint was wonderful and remarked that comedy in such a small room to such a small amount of people must be the hardest job in the world and I made it look easy! How nice!
I was out last night at Groucho with best mate Monica. We sat and ate chips and talked shit for ages (that’s what we do) and finally caught up with each others gossip. She is so busy nowadays and it was really great to just sit down and be together without phones or work or staff or managers or comedy people getting in the way!
I did bring along Easy Living Magazine as this months issue (December) has a great article inside about me! (It’s always about me me me) the photo shoot was lovely and I do look nice in it, except I seem to have loads of make up on! I will upload the pic as soon as I can.
Must go - Aspergers man is asking me what kind of Apple pie do I want? Apple Sponge-Apple Crumble-Apple Puff? Cold Custard or Cream?
It’s making me crazy….I just want pudding!
Aspergers Man is making me mental…
For those who don’t know, my husband has mild Aspergers Syndrome. Since travelling with me the last few days, he is so mental he makes Rain Man look like Al Gore….he is driving me to madness. Since we have been in this flat in London he has moved around the furniture, colour co-ordinated my clothes and re arranged my toiletries, I have Tampons all in a small box, lined up pointy ends facing out.
I was sitting writing this blog and he managed to move sofa’s about and slide tables around as I sat still. It was like that scene from Amityville Horror, I looked round and there were chairs stacked on top of each other on a small occasional table!
I was just about to go into the Groucho Club for a quick pre gig drink when he called me “Janey, when will you be home?”
Me-“I don’t know, I may stay out late”
Husband - “Do you have an estimated time of arrival?”
Me – “No. Why?”
Husband- “Its just I want have supper all ready for you”
Me-“It’s a fucking salad, there is no cooking, you can have it ready when I get there”
Husband- “Do you want a bacon roll for breakfast?”
Me (exasperated) - “I don’t know yet as its just 8pm, I have no idea what I want at 8am”
Husband- “Well if you want bacon I can put it at the front of the fridge and when I open the door it will be nearest to hand in the morning”
Me (now convinced he needs to die) -“Are you that bloke from ‘Sleeping with the Enemy?’ Am I going to have to dye my hair and fake my own death?”
Husband (completely unperturbed)- “So that’s a yes to the bacon?”
It’s been like this for days now. He constantly needs to know everything I may want in the next fourteen hours so he can get it prepared in advance. I am so used to travelling on my own I am not used to someone asking me what I want to eat next Tuesday.
To top it all, I woke up this morning with a big knotted elastic band in my bushy hair, I could not work out why my hair looked like a special needs person, husband saw me trying to unravel it, he smiled smugly and said “Last night your hair touched my face so I got up and tied it into a pony tail as you slept, that why you have a strange side bunch”
That man is re arranging my hair in my sleep that is grounds for divorce.
Today I also have a nasty head cold, it makes me feel ill. I have snotty stuff coming out of my beak and I want to remove the bowling ball from my brain!
I was sitting writing this blog and he managed to move sofa’s about and slide tables around as I sat still. It was like that scene from Amityville Horror, I looked round and there were chairs stacked on top of each other on a small occasional table!
I was just about to go into the Groucho Club for a quick pre gig drink when he called me “Janey, when will you be home?”
Me-“I don’t know, I may stay out late”
Husband - “Do you have an estimated time of arrival?”
Me – “No. Why?”
Husband- “Its just I want have supper all ready for you”
Me-“It’s a fucking salad, there is no cooking, you can have it ready when I get there”
Husband- “Do you want a bacon roll for breakfast?”
Me (exasperated) - “I don’t know yet as its just 8pm, I have no idea what I want at 8am”
Husband- “Well if you want bacon I can put it at the front of the fridge and when I open the door it will be nearest to hand in the morning”
Me (now convinced he needs to die) -“Are you that bloke from ‘Sleeping with the Enemy?’ Am I going to have to dye my hair and fake my own death?”
Husband (completely unperturbed)- “So that’s a yes to the bacon?”
It’s been like this for days now. He constantly needs to know everything I may want in the next fourteen hours so he can get it prepared in advance. I am so used to travelling on my own I am not used to someone asking me what I want to eat next Tuesday.
To top it all, I woke up this morning with a big knotted elastic band in my bushy hair, I could not work out why my hair looked like a special needs person, husband saw me trying to unravel it, he smiled smugly and said “Last night your hair touched my face so I got up and tied it into a pony tail as you slept, that why you have a strange side bunch”
That man is re arranging my hair in my sleep that is grounds for divorce.
Today I also have a nasty head cold, it makes me feel ill. I have snotty stuff coming out of my beak and I want to remove the bowling ball from my brain!
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