high security

I was told that there is a big internet cafe underground in a place called Millbank, just round the corner from the flat. When I got here that first night and my internet connection would not work I asked around and was told to go to Millbank.

So there I was all sweaty, tired and carrying my laptop making my way to that huge grey building behind our flats.

I must admit the building did look a bit imposing for an internet cafe ...but I was desperate and needed to get online. So I marched in and was immediately approached by a big tall man in security uniform.

"Yes, may I help you?" He barked at me.

"Do you have an internet connection in here I can use?" I sharply replied.

"No, this is not an internet cafe" he answered.

"I was told it was, come on, I need to get online" I groaned.

"Look I dont think you understand what i am saying, we do have internet but not for customers or people coming off the street" He started to get angry.

"Oh fuck off, what do you think I am going to download? The terrorist guide to London?" I snapped back sarcastically.

"Ok leave now, take your laptop and leave now, do you know where you are?" he stood over me.

"Yes. I am in London facing a nasty man who will not let me use his internet" I smiled, hoping to charm him.

"You are in the MI5 government building and if you insist in being obstinate I will have to take you aside and caution you and charge you" He smirked.

"MI5? please tell me, has anyone confused it with MFI? Just for a laugh tell me?"

"NO. Never now take your stuff and go" he led me by the elbow.

Oh well nasty old fucker and his big MI5 building can go kiss my bumpy ass, I got internet connection.

exhausted and elated

I am tired, here I sit in Westminster in the 'Flashy Flat'. The day has been long and weary, we finally arrived at Heathrow and the limo ( I kid you not-a huge big fancy car was there, not a stretch limo, just a regular and very classy) we lay back and plugged in our IPOD's and took in the tea time traffic!

The flat is nice but the bloody storage space is tiny and instead of being near 'Soho in a ten Minute walk' it's a fucking ten minute walk if you are Paula Radcliffe without the bad bladder or Kelly Holmes without the self harm ! It is far away from everything and being in the part of the city that houses no houses and just offices, they literally shut the shops at 5pm and take the pavements in for the night!

I am exhausted moaning about that and the fact the place has NO INTERNET connection...oh they have a business centre BUT it does not actually have anything to do with business...I assume they keep pigeons there and tie messages onto them and let them fly....fly away...what a fucked up business centre...BUT....it has

The most amazing sauna and steamroom and small but awesome pool with jets etc...and a gym (Like I care) and beauty rooms (I do care).

I was so fucked up stressed trying to get online and the phone system was more expensive than CRACK!

Ashley then noticed a box thingy on top of the TV and found phone wires in a hall cupboard (the only storage space that houses a boiler) she connected phone wires to TV box thing and other wire to my laptop and HEY FUCKING PRESTO I am online...we are not sure how but we neither care coz I am happy smiling girl again and that is all that matters.

I smiled today as my sister called me to tell me she tried to buy my book in Shettleston/Parkhead (Glasgow's East End) and she was told that despite the book not officially having been launched it's SOLD OUT! They had 75 copies and they are ALL GONE...wow!

I am excited, but tomorrow I have to get up go be interviewed by Best Mag and then am doing a radio show at 2pm. The Observer should be out in Sunday with the photoshoot and article that I did last week and then...next week I am on 'This Morning' tv show!

Must go need to lose ten stone in four days.

Inlaws and out laws

Had a nice day today, managed to confirm my fears that I am officially a 'Compulsive shopper'. I hunted for ages to get a cream pair of linen summer trousers (Like Scotland gets a 'summer'?) anyway, totally disgruntled as they were no where to be found in my BIG 3 (M&S, Primark and Dunnes Stores).

I was quietly talking to myself about how many pairs of linen trousers i do own and would there be enough sunny days in which to wear them all when I was stopped by one of my husband's brothers. Oh Holy Fuck-an IN LAW!

He sat on the street bench near the underground station. I waited to hear what he had to say. It was funny.

In-Law-" Saw your article in the Daily record"

me-"And?"

In-Law-" My brothers dont like it and I think I dont like what you are saying"

me-"Thats interesting, but to be honset I dont really care"

In-Law-" You spoke about us not being friendly"

me-"In case i am confused, am I the sister in law that had you worried because our relationship had grown very close and you spent years worrying about how to deal with your affection of me?"

In-Law-"No"

Me-"Well just checking, I really didnt like you and you fucking hated me, thats how it worked last time I checked my memory"

In-Law-" I dont like you saying we were difficult"

me-"It was an innocuous comment, I can hardly believe you are worried about that, wait till you read the rest of the book"

In-Law-" What does innocuous mean?"

me-"I am sorry, I said a big word, do you have a dictionary" I added smugly.

in-law-"Aye I do actually" He reached into his shopping bag and fumbled beneath a bunch of banana's and pulled out a small Collins Dictionary and held it up to me. "I got it to help me spell check some words for when I fill in job applications"

I was stunned "That is the fucking best comeback you have EVER gave me in the 25 years I have known you" I laughed aloud. "You actually do have a dictionary"

We both laughed and exchanged a few more words and I walked away laughing. Good on him!

When I got home I started to pack and found in the far end of my closet not only one but TWO pairs of cream linen trousers and a LINEN jacket with labels and price tags still on.....Holy Fuck I am a compulsive shopper...thats it, no more clothes buying for me.

I spent the night making lists for the morning. My list actually has a note that says-CHECK FINAL OTHER LIST...I am now fucked up compulsive list maker. Not good.



Ashley taped the O.C and we sat down to watch it as she explained all the characters, she kept pointing out the 'older' sexy men but I fancied the 20 year olds....again. She is obbsessed with the O.C and everyone has crazy names like 'Summer' 'China the Alopecia Pony', 'Julie Cooper- Nichol', 'Kiki Cohen' and 'Caleb'.



Ashley asked me if we made a lot of cash could we go live in Newport Beach, can you imagine???



We would make it the Scottish OC or as I would call it

'OC Aye The Noo' people would be called Tam, Boaby and Sadie the scabby Dug.



The plot lines would be Janey the mental patient who steals clothes in every shade, twice divorced from Tam the Bam and now married to Archie the smack dealer- adopts a wee baby and sells it on the beach to 'Frazer the razor' who likes to dress wee kids up as bulldogs playing cards and take pictures of them so he can emboss them onto mirrors.



Actually that sounds a good idea I wonder if HBO wants to buy it.



I need to go, I have remembered something to put on the list.....pack linen trousers, all of them...all six pairs in shades of cream!