What is wrong with me?

“Don’t touch my leg” I moaned to Ashley as she tried to get me off the couch. I have a sore upper bum check and lower leg, I also have a lumpy tender patch under my right ribcage and my left arm aches. I am finally an old woman who hobbles off the sofa in a queer shape like I am trying to do the ‘Lobster’ from Little Mermaid. I hate being stiff and sore. I worry.

I don’t want to be old, I hate seeing the upper inside flabby bits of my arms, my belly is softer than freshly kneaded dough and my thighs wobble. When did I become this old woman? Am a bit stressed with the pains and have had blood tests done and this weekend I get my organs scanned. I have never been ill really in my life, but my brother died 10 months ago and I know he was a long term drug user and had HIV but I still think “what if he had something hereditary and I have it now?” I am a drama queen eh? Maybe am just fat?

Then after worrying needlessly I look around the world and realise people are living with drone planes bombing their kids, folk in Palestine are living in a illegal ghetto created for them by people who used to hate ghetto’s and Greece is struggling under an economic crisis. I need to shut up and deal with the tiny shit that happens in life eh? Then I worry how will Adele write another album unless some man fucks her about again and should we wish that on her for the sake of some nice music?

Husband is being stoic and helpful as I worry about dying and whisper to him at 4am “if I die will you make sure my dad is ok and Ashley doesn’t cry her life away and gets on her feet and please don’t let them play shit music at my funeral and I don’t want anyone but Ashley to speak as she is better at that” then I go quiet and add “I don’t want dressed in my wedding dress when I die” Husband held me tight and whispered “don’t think you will fit into that dress now and I don’t think a sore leg means you are dying, shut up and get your elbow off my arm you are hurting it”

Ashley and I are gearing up for Christmas – I say that – like we have big plans, husband doesn’t like Christmas and we have the ‘tree’ fight every year. He has decided that I take parts of the fake tree and leave them out so the tree year by year is getting thinner and decidedly smaller and lopsided. Last year I didn’t even bother putting it up as he merely offered me a single branch of the tree to decorate and sellotape to the skirting board. This year I might pull the whole shebang out and go crazy with lights and decorate it. It might be my last one if my illness’s engulf me (drama queen again?).

If you are reading this in UK and know what the LIDL shop is then you will be excited as me about their Christmas selection! If you are outside Europe and UK the LIDL is a supermarket with heaps of interesting food and goods and they are really cheap.

I love the weird seasonal decorations, skiing equipment and three bird roast on offer. Firstly if you ski you won’t really shop at the LIDL will you? I get the feeling the LIDL isn’t full of middle class people carousing the aisles for their organic wheatgrass drinks...do you? During the summer the LIDL sold blow up boats and horse blankets and equestrian goods! Who goes to the LIDL for Satsuma’s and pony trekking stuff?

Anyway I get all my blood results and will tell you how my scan went and keep you updated. Meanwhile am off to the Blythswood Hotel in Glasgow to meet my pals, they haven’t been and am excited about showing it off. I love it. Might just stay there for Christmas and give the cooking and kitchen a break!