Things that happen to me

I walked into the Co-op shop in Shawlands on Sunday, it was deathly quiet, I was picking up some smoked salmon for my niece and strolled around at my leisure- there was nobody about except for two old women who stood beside me bemoaning the fact they couldn’t get tomatoes during the snow snap. The silence was broken by a staff member screaming “Hit the panic button Tam, there’s a man with a knife stealing!” the old women looked startled, I languidly pulled out my iphone, for if there was going to be a Co-Op stabbing, I wanted it on You tube.
“where’s the panic button?” screamed the panicked Co-Op team member.
“Under the till you fucking knob” shouted the other panicked Co-Op team member “he stole a selection box of Terry’s Chocolate Orange and ran out with a knife.”

The underwhelming robbery was over in seconds, I got no stabbing on my Iphone and nothing to upload to YouTube. The staff all stood outside and squinted against the cold sharp sunlight beating down on the South of Glasgow as they watched a man run off with a box of Chocolates and a knife. I wanted to ask did he steal the knife as well, but they all looked too panicked to deal with such questions.

I took the smoked salmon and headed to Ann Mag’s house to spend some time with her kids whom I adore. Just then a pensioner slipped beside me, grabbed my arms and pulled me down to the wet frozen ground. She was still upright, I was on my arse, with smoked salmon lying out on the pavement. “Am sorry hen, you ok?” the wee woman muttered as she tentatively walked off leaving me to slide about getting up onto my feet.

So, now I am wet, sore and carrying smoked salmon towards Ann Mag’s close and a dog ran into my legs and knocked me on my arse again. The dog owner didn’t even apologise and yet again the pack of smoked salmon skittered on the pavement. Eventually I got into Ann Mag’s house and her youngest daughter Julia aged 4 said “Your bum is wet and the salmon packet is dirty, did you find that in a bin?” …how we laughed.

The downside of the snowy streets is that my wee dad can’t get out of his house as he lives on a big sloping street. You would think when he was 50 and bought that house he might have thought “When am nearly eighty and it snows this is going to be hard for me” but he didn’t think like that, he bought an inconvenient house on an inconvenient street which turns into the local ski slope in the winter time. Then he moans he cant get out!

I am lucky this winter and am working all month in Glasgow, I will be at either Highlights Glasgow or Jongleurs Tiger Tiger in Glassford Street, Glasgow this December at Weekends.